March 24, 2012

A Young Crossdreamer's Tale

I got an email from an 18 year old crossdreamer a few days ago. I asked him for permission to publish it on this blog, as it describes how it may feel to be a crossdreamer in a clear and succinct way.

When we are alone with these feelings they may seem insurmountable. But the fact is that there are literally millions of men and women out there who have such feelings, and even more who fear being out of the norm. 

In fact, having studied gender and sexuality for quite some time now, I have come to the conclusion that most people are "abnormal" in one way or the other. Being rare is not rare and nature loves variation.

Note that this text contains some explicit language. To those of you who find that so offensive that you won't read it, I would say that you have lost the proper sense of perspective.

The life of Z

"Hello. My name is Z. I stumbled upon one of your blogs about a week ago. I read through articles and links for hours that day.

I can find no easy way to put this. I'm basically e-mailing you because you obviously understand the general situation I am experiencing. I thought typing this would be easier because I don't even know you AND we are from different countries but I find it almost impossible to even build up to say what I want to scream in my head.

I'm 18 and am trying to face my feelings. I'm in my last year of high school, I have an amazing fiancee, and some of the best friends I could ever ask for. I am estranged from most of my family but [has] the most supportive aunt. (...)

None of these things have any importance to you, I'm sure but they do help me come to what I want to say. 

Childhood dreams

"I have had these feelings as far back as being a small child, around 5 years old. I never cross-dressed (not until I after I met my beautiful fiance anyway), never had an interest in girly toys or anything like that. But I always thought about being a girl.

From early on I knew this was a taboo. Both my mother and step father taught me about sex and homosexuals and all that when I was still very small. They taught me being gay wasn't wrong and what mattered most was being happy. 


But my mother would always chime in that I would not be gay because I should like girls. So I identified anything not masculine as gay and my mother would not like that in my unceasing attempts to please her.

Well, at fifteen (and still today) I was comfortable with admitting openly that I was attracted to men as well, although there was always something about women that always seemed more alluring. I always said it was that men don't have tits. 

Suppressing the fantasies

"At this time I had also been able to push down all thoughts and fantasies as far in me as I could. But before long, I started to fantasize about it a little more each time. Me being the girl sometimes, breasts, vagina, and all.

I always hated myself after, but during I was in euphoria. After I was done I would always deny it, as it didn't fit in with my life (no surprise to this story so far I guess). I know that probably because of my up-bringing, I hated the idea that I somehow was attracted to being feminine, not just femininity. I thought I must be a freak, a fairy, someone who was destined to be one of those weird fat dudes that dressed like women and did bad things. 

Finding out about autogynephilia

"Anyway, I began looking online for mental illnesses or some condition that could explain how I felt. I looked at countless pages, until eventually a wikipedia article lead me to a theory about something called autogynephilia. When I learned what it meant, it made perfect sense, so logically I clicked out of it, cleared my recent history and pushed it out of my brain.

But eventually (last week to be exact) curiosity and my still returning urges convinced me to actually research some more it, specifically if there were anyone out there like myself. 

I thought it would give me relief. But now it seems like I opened fucking Pandora's Box. At this point, I feel like I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. It all just makes me want it more. I don't know how to bring this up to anyone.

Only my fiance (...), and friend (...) know about the cross-dressing habits, but they just think I'm a kinky guy. Well also later on I told them I stopped. And I did for a while, but I just couldn't stop myself. I feel like a slave to my desire and impulse and I'm not enjoying it at all. In terms of sexuality, I never gave a shit what people thought of me. But then I never considered that other side of me into the equation. 

Loving the roles of men and women

"Yeah I'm a big, strong guy and I like to fuck women. I like doing her like I own her and being the dominant guy. But I want to be fucked. Hard. To take it as a pretty girl with full breasts, shapely body, all of it. Giving oral too! It's really sexy and dirty.

It's gotten to the point where I even think of that during sex. I find myself wanting it so badly at times, and recently I feel increasingly uncomfortable about myself and who I am as a person. I'm usually a pretty confident guy.

My whole problem, and the reason why I ramble on about these things is I can find no other way to get it out off my chest. I can accept intellectually what my predicament is but emotionally, I can hardly tolerate it. It almost brings me to tears at times and I feel like, well a pussy.

I look in the mirror and most of the times I see me and sometimes instead I see what I lust to be me. And I like it. And I hate it. All this ambiguity is driving me up a wall. I thought maybe I'm schizo or something. 

What do do?

"But inside I know I'm completely sane and definitely competent to know that If I didn't do something soon, I'll go batshit. If I see a therapist (considering I can ever afford it) I fear that I might be driven down a road I can't turn back from.

If I come out to everyone, I'll just alienate myself. I'm trying to accept this about myself and live a normal life, but it's getting harder to do this.

I have many good things going for me right now, and this seems to be the only thing bringing me down.

I'm sorry this is so long and I hope it doesn't seem like I'm just dumping my problems on a random stranger. It's just for years I have kept this to myself, deep in me, but now it seems to want to burst out with full force. I thought the hardest thing about this would be typing it but now I'm procrastinating sending this. Perhaps one of my problems would be pride? Cause I feel like I've just about swallowed it by now. No pun intended. (...)"


My comment

I made the following preliminary response to Z:

"You are not wasting my time. I am in the exact same position like you, and know that we have to find a way to live with this. Actually, I know there is a way to live with this that does not entail changing your bodily sex. But there is no way around it: Being a crossdreamer is -- at times -- very hard.

You are not mad, by the way, and the fact that you can tell your own story in a clear and concise manner in the way you do, proves that. In fact, your email alone tells me that you have the resources needed to handle this. You are intelligent with the ability to love other people. That is a great basis for finding a way of handling all of this.

If I have learned one thing battling with this condition, it is this: Suppressing it, denying it or putting a lid on it won't work. I often use the term "inner woman" as a metaphor. There is some kind of psychological complex inside us that expresses itself as crossdreaming fantasies.

What that complex really is, we do not know, but it does exist. I believe it is transgender in one way or the other. Women are as sexual as men. To dream of having sex as a woman is transgender in my book, but as you correctly point out, it does not mean that you necessarily are a transsexual. (...)

Anyway: Since this "transgender complex" is an integrated part of your psyche, "she" will not be denied. I have come to the point now where I am beginning to accept "her", love "her" even, and at that point she becomes less intrusive and less obsessive.

It is too bad that you cannot afford therapy. Talking about this to an emphatic friend helps more than just writing about it, but discussing this online is much, much better than nothing. Besides, having compassionate and understanding friends makes a huge difference.

I wonder: Can I publish your email on my blog? I will be very careful anonymizing it, of course, but you may get some useful comments from other crossdreamers. Besides, there are many young crossdreamers out there who need to know that they are not alone."


From curse to asset

I would like to add one more observation in this post: 

Z is afraid that looking into this and going to a therapist will lead to some kind of avalanche of feelings that will make it impossible to return to normalcy.

A lot of crossdreamers fear this, and they do everything they can to keep the forbidden thoughts at bay. Among crossdressing this is known as "purging". Their despair leads them to gather up all their female clothing and throw it away. Then, after a while, when the "inner woman" reclaims her voice, they go out and buy a new attire.

The purging is caused by shame and the feeling that there is something wrong with your inner being. But this is the way Nature or God made us. I have so far found no sign of a cure for crossdreaming. But what I have found is that self acceptance and the acceptance of others make this much, much easier to bear. And when the guilt subsides, and the "other side" becomes an integrated part of your soul, crossdreaming may become an asset instead of a curse.

Advice for the young at heart

I wonder if I can ask my crossdreamer readers about some input regarding how to handle this firestorm of feelings. What have you done to cope with it all?

24 comments:

Elly said...

First of all I feel almost exactly like our young Z. Even I am in mid twenties my feelings started in my early teens years and became intensive around 16-17. Many years I was in confusion and conflicting zone until now I started accept myself and change my lifestyle from macho guy to more androgynous and later even more and more feminine.

At first I thought that kinky side of me is kind of perverse and I was very guilty of this my side but I couldn't help myself I always returned to it. I went to therapist but she "tested" me and said that I am not a girl and should leave all this stuff to live as normal guy... Of course this was short time cure and I returned to my ways. From that moment I started little by little accept my inner girl.

I think myself as crossdreamer because every time I get aroused I think myself as girl getting fucked and I am having alien feel to my body. Even I crossdress in private I haven't done it in public as that fear of "losing control of life" is to big and crossdressing is not very important to me as having female body. It very clear when I look to myself at mirror and see inner girl who wants to have sexy female body. Mirror also shows to me reality of morning deep shaven beard in evening is screaming you are man... Its makes me depresed...

And finally today I am at state where I have burning desire to go public expressing my inner girl side and open to more friends about my inner girl... What holds me of this is that I have quite good carrier and I would definetly jepardise it if I let myself go to public. One to sure that time goes and desire grows so it is only matter of how more I could hold all this...

vancityvanessa said...

It seems like we all do have quite similar feelings. In my own story, things started when I was 11 years old (I am now 26) and I tried my mom's clothes on and got excited. It was right when puberty was coming on and I knew that what I was doing wasn't right. It was never explicitly made clear to me that it was a taboo thing, but I think I knew from comments around me (friends and family) and the media (transphobic sitcom gags) that it wasn't normal and that most people would make fun of you if you acted on this.

I was born with a birth defect that made me a visible target for bullies through school and since I knew I didn't want to draw attention to myself, I ended up suppressing things. I crossdressed through my teens with regular purges, sexual experimentation with older men, and my parents even caught an email I sent to a transsexual woman in which I described wanting a sex change. I was so scared and shocked that I covered it up with a really bad story, but since denial is a strong force in people's minds, they bought it because the alternative was scary for them I think.

I have gone back and forth over the years about if I feel like a crossdresser, transvestite, transsexual or crossdreamer, since I've had a desire to dress as a woman, have a woman's body and be treated by society as a woman. These urges though, seem to be sexual in nature although I wonder sometimes if sexual desire is just an outlet for a part of me that isn't really seeing the light of day.

I've been to a therapist on and off for a few years and she personally believes that I am a transsexual (she's the queen of the trans therapists in my city, and very well respected). Our collective story she says is on a spectrum of gender and sexuality. From my own perspective, she thinks that my feelings aren't as intense as those that transition early, but are still signs of transsexuality. She thinks that we can either suppress the feelings and hope we can deal with the burden on the mind (usually people have a good outlet for it) or eventually, we collapse (usually in our 40s-50s) and need to transition.

I'm on track to get married this year, but I wonder if I'm making the right choice. My therapist has cleared me for hormones and I've dabbled in anti-androgens under doctor supervision. Interestingly, my doctor told me that my baseline level of testosterone is in the low part of normal for a man (don't know what to read into that), but interestingly when I take androcur, the desire to transition dissipates. I have then come off the anti-androgens to see what that would do and slowly the feelings come back. I wonder though what estrogen would do to me mentally if I added that in for a short dose. I really don't want to transition, but if I'm going to stay with my fiance, I would like to be functional with her over the longterm. I just don't know what to do with this, because my sex drive is pushing me to transition. It wants it badly.

Sean said...

I think that i share very similar feelings as well. I would say i started really noticing my crossdreaming feelings around 15 or 16. That wasn't my main one at first place i look back on the things i did as a child and wonder as well. Though i have always kind of felt strange about my body and i wonder if this is the reason behind it.

I have never really cross dressed by i have though about it a lot lately and wondered, my sister would probably help if i did want to. I also know the feeling that things will spiral beyond ones control i fell that too. There are times where i fell like i have build a wall to my compulsive desires and there are times when that breaks that i lose control of myself.I also share that idea that since we are men we should act like that.
Its the idea that men can't be sissies. Part of my says that stupid because people are people and we should not be treated based on are gender. The other side comes out and says your a man suck it simply as that.

I often felt like i am competing against two forces one that tells me to be true to myself and let my "inner girl" out. The other side of me says that i should be a man and forget it. That's honestly what i feel are the two competing forces in regards to this. And i know the feeling of "purging" as well i call it "whiplash" the reason is in my case the feelings hit hard and then i fell like i am a bad person for doing what i am doing. I honestly think that it is related to hormones and chemicals.
I don't know if there is one uniform thing that we can all do to deal with crossdreaming, it seems to me that it is up to the individual person to handle. The thing i have realized though is even though this can be highly distressing, and in my case i believe make me a little shy and hard to reach out, it can, at times it can be very pleasurable.

Janikest said...

I think it is great for young Z to have the courage and insight to tackle this issue at his age. To my mind, the more you wait and repress, the stronger it is going to hit back later.

I think I am quite part of a minority here since crossdreaming has only been essentially a dating and sexual issue for me. I am totally comfortable with having feminine traits (physical or behavioral) and do not feel alienated from my male body, which I really like.

That doesn't mean I haven't been to great pain when it comes to women and dating. I haven't experienced dysphoria, but severe bouts of depression after repeated dating failures.

So, me and other crossdreamers have decided to handle this. I won't deny feeling of dysphoria are not genuine for those who undercome them, but there is also a great deal of sexual repression which has to manifest in one form and another.

The best solution I have found is dating female to male crossdreamers! And I can't tell how relieved I feel to know that there are solutions for us, and dozens of crossdreamers are probably seeking a meaningful and bonding relationship.

Nika Maria Florez said...

i recommend that you DO NOT get married unless the woman in your life ACCEPTS ALL OF YOU, and most importantly, you accept ALL OF YOU. i've had my experiences with women whom i could've definitely considered marrying, only to walk out once they discover who i really am, or i walk away from them because of my shame of being transgendered. because thats what we are you know that right? TRANSGENDER. doesent necessarily mean we all are gonna take hormones and grow breasts and live as women 24-7, but it does mean that i have alot of female energy, both physically and spiritually. i am at a point of acceptance these days. i consider myself bi, but i definitely lean towards being with guys these days. i recently purchased me a sex toy, and i tell ya it helps me express even more my female feelings, my "truth". if you are young with no kids and not married and have these feelings of autogynephilia, my suggestion is that you DO NOT get married or have kids until you have gotten to a point of acceptance. it will save you alot of pain and suffering, not only for yourself, but for the other person too. life is an amazing journey for some of us.

Ariadna Azul said...

Guys, seriously i wanna ask you this: why is it so embarrasing for you all to be feminine/have feminine feelings-sexuality and so on? I think even if society still says to us it is "inferior" to be a female, i don't think it is hard to overcome that kind of rusty bias... To be a female/feminine is not a inferior status.

I don't feel embarrased to have a masculine sexuality, and not bc society says to us it is "superior" to be a man; in fact i live in a 3rd world country where women are not forgiven if they dare take male roles. I am just about to lose a good old friend of mine who, despite his education, is just a typical "macho latino" who doesn't forgive me for the fact i am bold enough to be myself. But you know? i don't give a damn! :)

What's wrong with being feminine and a male at the same time? God, it is beautiful! trangressive! sexy! delicious! divine! (at least you all are that for me!) It is that you just can't see how sexy and special you are bc you are too biased and too busy feeling guilt and shame.

Is it that being a rough macho cisman is a better option? i don't get it!

There's no reason for living such a life, plenty of guilt and shame... seriously, is it that important to fit the binary? who will be pleased if so? our parents? our family? is it important for them what we do in our beds?... and don't say dating is a big problem bc Jack has mentioned ftm crossdreamers many times but u really haven't showed any interest, even if we seem to have a great potential to be the ideal match for you...

I really think it is sad to think we are transgender, so unhappy, so doomed... we are what we are! why we just don't start enjoying our lives and our fantastic sexuality? We are sexy! I'd be deadly bored if i was a simple and plain Jane, i am too smart for playing that role. Not bc it is lower to be a female, it is just lame to follow someone's else rules and, definitely, the binary seems to be an old rule made by someone else but nature.

I am not pleasing that "someone else" but myself.

Well, guys, sorry if i sounded blunt but i just want u to know that there's no reason to feel guilt and shame, we have the best of both worlds, and you are missing it. No matter if our troubles come from the difficulty of dating or accepting our bodies, bc not even straight cispeople have it easy about those items. Dating & self image troubles are something that everybody has to deal with.

Greetings,
Ariadna

Serena said...

i want to share my experience 2. my english is not perfect so bear with me.

i am 26 years old and live in the netherlands. my origin is arabic and in my culture males are to seen hard and muscle bois (lol) and female soft. Eventhough i live in a country where people could be openminden poeple of my culture are very united here. so this causes control and protection to keep family respect and respect from others.

ok so i started crossdressing/dreaming since i was 5 years or so and all my live i have felt different and crazy because of these feelings. As a male you aught to be strong and you automaticly have a high status in your family. so i dressed a lot of times in the dresses of my sister and got caught a lot aswell. a trauma caused me to think that i never ever should do this. then the crossdreaming started to develop. untill this age this is what gave me the power to move on.

i had a relation with a beautifull woman who i thought was the one. but as a honest men i am i just did not want to move forward with her before she could accept the inner me. because the reason for me was so i could function well in our relation, marriage and so on and that i wont have a time that i would and up with a lot more at stakes.

she was my everything and still is, but i came out to her cause i could not hold it in my anymore. if i did not tell her, we could marry very soon.
first it was ok for her but as we moved on i opened the inner self more and more and became very androgenous looking because i started losing a lot of weight to lose my ugly muscles and all so i could be myself finally. i also finally started buying clothes and all.
but then she broke up with me. what followed for me was a big depression because i LOST my soulmate FOREVER.

so after that hard period i stopped with it call it transition process and went back to male me. tried to do everything to have my love back but.. once she knows she knows.. she did not signed up for this.
since then crossdreaming was at its highest point!

luckely i healed from the pain of desspair and i feel great again eventhough i never ever will try on a relationship with a girl who wont know the real me and accept it as it is. maybe i am a transsexual.. only way to find out is to act on my inner me and find PEACE in mind so i can function in sociaty. because of a lof of let down feelings, i just did not had any courage left in me.

how do i cope right now?

i decided to move to another city shortly and try to find out about the real me there. here at home i have no space or what so ever because the people (mostly family) who care, just wont even try to accept me. they do not believe in transgenderism or transsexualism.

my advice is this:
first be in peace with yourself or else you will have a breakdown someday for sure (what a horror that would be)

one fact (as jack also states)
THIS feeling (different for everyone though) will not go away never ever. this is you.

it is your choice:
do you choose for yourself (peace in mind happiniss)
or
do you choose to make others happy and be misrable all your fucking live? trying to figure how to cope with it?
i know it is different for everyone.
i know that transition may not be a solution
but i also know for myself that i just cant live as a male anymore since i opened the doors.

sorry for the long post.. i hope this helps.

tc

Jack Molay said...

Thank you all for all these helpful comments! Keep 'em coming.

Note that Susanne, who is the wife of a M2F crossdreamer, has written a new post on her blog regarding their relationship and how they cope with crossdreaming.

Janikest said...

And thank you Jack fot this blog!

I was actually waiting this post from Susanne and i am happy to learn that there are couples mature and loving enough to deal with crossdreaming. Although there are a couple of things I don't share with Susanne's conception of a meaningful relationship, I am quite glad to learn that love and pragmatism can make things work.

And I identify all the more with this couple as far as I believe the main issue about crossdreaming revolves around sex. In fact, I would dare to say that this is the universally shared feature among crossdreamers.

Now, something tells me that even if crossdreaming can be incorporated in a classical cisgendered relationship, dating other crossdreamers seems to me much more workable. As Ariadna mentionned, a lot of what we concieve as a plague will vanish as we will build a strong discussing and dating "community".

Actually, I am glad to discover all those things regarding crossdreaming while being in celibacy. Now I know there are ftm crossdreamers and some of them are really much like me : they have given up questionning their gender identity (since it leads nowhere) and just took as a raw fact their sexuality.

I am also surprised that ftm and mtf dating is almost never mentionned as the most workable alternative, if not a definitive solution to the problem! To my mind, crossdreaming is a lot about sexuality. And yes, you can experience gender dysphoria as a consequence of an unsatisfying sexuality.

Ariadna Azul said...

@Serena

"she was my everything and still is, but i came out to her cause i could not hold it in my anymore. if i did not tell her, we could marry very soon.
first it was ok for her but as we moved on i opened the inner self more and more and became very androgenous looking because i started losing a lot of weight to lose my ugly muscles and all so i could be myself finally. i also finally started buying clothes and all.
but then she broke up with me. what followed for me was a big depression because i LOST my soulmate FOREVER."

:( Aww, this moved me...

It is so sad when someone you believe is ur "soulmate" leaves you bc u start being urself... :( been there and it hurts like hell... You start thinking you don't worth it, that it is ur fault, that u could have done things better (this is: to pretend u r someone else but you, just to please that person)

Anyway, after some years I found out that person wasn't my soulmate; soulmates don't leave you for being urself. Currently, I think he made me a favor, bc having the wrong person in ur life is worse than being alone.

I am not a big fan of "cisperson x crossdreamer" relationships, at least, not for me. I dated a couple of cismales and it hurt me so bad that it took me a couple of years to get over it and heal my heart (mostly bc of the weariness i felt pretending to be a cisfemale), i don't want that feeling of being "walking on egg shells" back. I wanna be myself and being loved as i am, to overcompensate in a relationship only brings weariness; i think relationships must bring joy into our lives, not take it away.

There's always hope, dear! I am sure many ftm crossdreamers would love that androgynous boy you were. I am sure there's a girl wishing to have a bf like u somewhere else.

There's always hope! :)

Greetings,
Ariadna

Sean said...

Ariadna Azul, I agree with you it should not matter whether you are a male and have female tendencies. the same is true of female that have male tendencies. However when you are raised to think a certain way it hard to go against that.Plus for me i feel that there are a lot of negative views of males that have more female tendencies.

Ariadna Azul said...

@Sean

Hi :)

Aww... well, it is true that males with female tendencies go through more pressure, as it is expected they are "macho men"... which is so unfair... :(

Anyway it is not that hard to overcome the way we were raised. I tell you this according to my own experience: I was raised in a very traditional and conservative peruvian family, where women are expected to be good at cooking and housecleaning while males are not. In fact, it is compulsory. Also, it is considered insulting if a male is asked for. I was supposed to did my bro's laundry when we were teens, just bc he was a male and me, a female! but I NEVER DID IT! I was considered a lesser woman just for refusing to, but I was strong and I was able to bear the intense pressure and dissaproval. Perhaps it helped the fact I find pleasure in being trangressive. Finally, after years they think high of me.

I know it is not that easy but it is not impossible, dear. :)

xo

Ari

Lindsay said...

@Ariadna Azul:

Julia Serano just posted a good explanation of why mtf transgendered are much maligned by the general population:

http://juliaserano.blogspot.com/2012/04/trans-misogyny-primer.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+WhippingGirl+%28Whipping+Girl%29

It also explains why ftm may have an easier time.

Ariadna Azul said...

@Lindsay

"Julia Serano just posted a good explanation of why mtf transgendered are much maligned by the general population:

http://juliaserano.blogspot.com/2012/04/trans-misogyny-primer.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+WhippingGirl+%28Whipping+Girl%29

It also explains why ftm may have an easier time."

It is true ftm have it easier, i won't deny it. I have read the link and i agree with all what has been written there.

"Trans-misogyny is steeped in the assumption that femaleness and femininity are inferior to, and exist primarily for the benefit of, maleness and masculinity. This phenomenon manifests itself in numerous ways."

I think this simple but keen paragraph sum it up all.

Although, I didn't say the problem doesn't exist but that we need to be strong enough to overcome it. It happens to all those human groups that are marginalized. I think the biggest problem lies in one marginalizing oneself.

Personally I hate the term/label "transgender" bc i feel it strongly related to "pathological" or "out of natural norms" (when I know our tendencies are totally natural) and I don't feel identified with it, and if I use the term "ftm" is is for practical reasons, not for theoretical ones. I don't think something that doesn't fit the binary" should be called "transgender" automatically, bc many of us are OK with our genders: it is just about sexual roles and some cultural attributes they imply. I don't think those are steadily attached to genders.

In the context of the proccess of self-definition, I am against relating us to transsexuals. I think we have our own set of concerns. Personally, mine is dating and I think for many people here.

So, I think I have half of the war won if I don't marginalize myself with problematic terms or identify my own concerns with those which belong to other human groups (in this case, transsexuals)

Greetings,
Ariadna

Arie Bianchi said...

I think Ariadna is right. We can be successful in our lifes, even if we are part of a discriminated group. Others can try to throw us to the mud, but it's our decision whether allow it or not (in the same way, it's our decision whether remain in the mud if they achieve it).

I don't think being feminine or female means being inferior.

I wanted to post something about my past in relation to this problematic before, but I could'nt think how to do it until now.
I'm 19 and Chilean. I had a awful MTF transsexual period, even suffered body dysphoria, and one of the reasons it ended was this blog, other reason was the acknowledgment that I didn't have real body issues for wanting body-transition, but I wanted others to acknowledge me as female, or in default, as a feminine person without any stigma. My body dysphoria appeared for thinking I had to be female to acquire this acknowledgement.

After that, I moved to an auto-validating period. I started feeling inferior for being a male bodied feminine person, and almost returned to my MTF transsexual state, until I luckily remember that it was a self-esteem issue. I was stigmatizing myself. I think some of this auto-stigmatization is related for the correlation of being "feminine" with being "feeble", and the stigmatization of being feeble. The fact I'm feminine doesn't mean I'm obligated to be feeble if I don't feel it as a part of me, but even if I would feel, it didn't have to had anything bad.

As Jack have said a lot of times in this blog, all people are a mix of feminine and masculine traits. The fact I'm more comfortable with more feminine traits than more masculine traits doesn't mean I have to be less than masculine men, feminine women, and masculine women: I'm as worthy as them.

-Ariel

Arie Bianchi said...

Uh, I realized I had a lot of misspellings in my last post e.e, my apologies >.>

Ariadna Azul said...

@Ariel Bianchi

Awesome post, Ariel! Also, I am glad to see another south-american fellow here-I am peruvian!

Hasta ahora he sido la única sudamericana en este blog (eso creo)... De verdad me ha dado gusto saber que eres chileno. :) Bueno, bienvenido y espero que veamos más comentarios tuyos.

Saludos,
Ariadna

Arie Bianchi said...

Haha, thanks, Ariadna :), I'm also glad to see another South American! And of a neighbouring country!

Sean said...

@Ariadna Azul:

Firstly man that's rough but good for you not giving in. We can still have a great live no matter who we are and what kind of tendencies we have. And i think that if you fight for it you usually win.

Allison B. said...

Love your idea but how many female to male cross dreamers are out there?

Jack Molay said...

"how many female to male cross dreamers are out there?"

There are no studies of how many crossdreamers there are out there.

Femke Olyslager and Lynn Conway has found that 1 in 500 is transsexual.

The number of crossdreamers must be much, much, higher, at least 1 in 100.

vk said...

I get the feeling there is a lot of repressed homophobia in crossdreamers as a result of their upbringing. in the same breath they say they are not gay, like being gay is a terrible curse, but also that they want to have sex with men. thats being gay guys. just be gay, why not? or bisexual. all this talk of marrying women, its just amazingly irresponsible. if you decide to transition at 50, youve ruined that womans life. seriously.

Abhirup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abhirup said...

@VK,
Like really seriously, you are a big plain retard! I am far from being a homophobe. Some of my best male friends are gay men and I totally adore them for who they are, their courage to stand up against this extremely heteronormative culture.
However, just because I am a crossdreamer does not mean I am attracted to men sexually. I am for the most part attracted to women. Infact, the feeling of being attracted to women and at the same time being like a female inside is confusing for many of us who have been brought up under a misconception that desiring women is masculine-that grand old western myth!
Infact,I guess the reason most of my male best friends are gay is also related to this shared oppression. Just like gay men have to fight off the stereotype of being seen as effeminate or unmanly just because they love other men,many of us transgenders have to in the same way fight against the assumption of being masculine attached to us by the same western system.You see,our oppressions are closely related because we both challenge the heteronormative stereotype of the day.
I would say most crossdreamers are indeed strongly gynephilic and not sexually attracted to men and are not in denial of anything. It is you and people like Blanchard who are in denial.
Also,as for some crossdreamers having fantasies of sex with men,despite being predominantly gynephilic, I believe it is not necessary that this makes them 'gay' or even bisexual.The fantasy of having sex as a woman may lead many crossdreamers to use men as simply 'props'. That is hardly due to actual sexual attraction to man as another man and so these people are not gay guys.You folks are fond of seeing things in black-and-white when it comes to seeing such things.