tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post4965510286379591180..comments2024-03-26T16:19:11.382-07:00Comments on Crossdreamers: My life as a transgender crossdreamerSally Molayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-28485565795308643412018-12-27T10:50:10.886-08:002018-12-27T10:50:10.886-08:00I am what you call True Crossdreamer i i have no k...I am what you call True Crossdreamer i i have no kind of gender Dysphoria Instead from the beginning of my childhood i wanted to grow a thick beard and an athletic body(which i have now).I have no intention of having a female body yet i feel aroused by imagining myself as sexy female so i studied myself and explored deep and i stopped caring about anyone else and today i have a girlfriend whom i love the most ( she does too) i have a good sex life . So i am saying that first lesson is to love yourself however you maybe and make up your mind for what you want to be and stay strong ...<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-46564260604886648912018-07-14T10:21:46.669-07:002018-07-14T10:21:46.669-07:00" i can only guess that my male ego, society ..." i can only guess that my male ego, society and culture tried to prtoect me from my true feelings becuase i have never been more in love with myself than now."<br /><br />I think this is spot on. "The male part" of us recognizes the real hardship that follows from coming out as trans or some shade of nonbinary, and tries to protect us from that hardship by suppressing "the other side". In some cultures that might even be necessary for survival. Unfortunately that also mans killing of an essential part of yourself. I am glad you have found out who you are.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-82473167541187241222018-07-09T20:29:17.982-07:002018-07-09T20:29:17.982-07:00Hello jack, i relate with so much in this article....Hello jack, i relate with so much in this article. i believe i repressed who i am so immensley that i became afraid to love anyone or myself. I crossdreamed through adolesence and never questioned myself about it. By my mid 20s i regarded it as something faggy because it was the quickest way for me to escape who i was. Later my crossdreaming found another outlet and it came sexually. I started projecting myself the way my brain always saw it to be. which is a women or female like being. i can only guess that my male ego, society and culture tried to prtoect me from my true feelings becuase i have never been more in love with myself than now. I cant say how bad my gender dysphoria is but i cry when thinking about going back to the old me. If it makes sense, Im not comfortable being a man and i am not comfortable with the expectations of what a women should be. None the less i still push forward and want to say thank you. <br /><br />Damienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12927615847696756388noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-72253172833852276082017-08-03T06:21:21.881-07:002017-08-03T06:21:21.881-07:00Thank you for sharing this, anonymous. You present...Thank you for sharing this, anonymous. You present another example someone assigned male, who are attracted to men, but who nevertheless crossdream. There are researchers who say that you do not exist. We know better.<br /><br />Do you think that your problems with gay and bi male friends is grounded in gay culture? That is: That expressing femininity is looked down upon?<br /><br />I am asking because I know too little about this. The lesbian community have well known roles for this that lesbians may make use of, if that is what they want: Butch and femme. <br /><br />But your male partners do not want you to be femme? Is that why this is a problem?Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-45635716976089644382017-08-02T14:48:12.864-07:002017-08-02T14:48:12.864-07:00Hi Jack, interesting article. I must say I'm a...Hi Jack, interesting article. I must say I'm a confused guy as well. I'm biological male and I identify myself mostly as a guy too. I'm attracted to men, so I'm considered to be gay. However, sometimes I get sexually aroused by the idea/dream of having sex with a man, but having female characteristics myself (breasts for instance). I enjoy heterosexual porn too, thinking being a woman (on sexual level) would be more comfortable an exciting. The fact is that it's rather only on a sexual level. I don't feel the need for breasts or to be treated like a woman in my daily life, where I'm comfortable as a man. The problem is, however, I experience sexual problems when having sex with a man. I seem to avoid the male behaviour or expectations, what a gay or bi boyfriend expects when he chooses a man of course. This dilemma sometimes takes all the energy out of me... as it's so complicated to find a partner to share my life with...<br />To summarise: I think sex with a man would be more exciting if I were a woman, but I don't want to be one in daily life... Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-57059302430899011462016-11-21T02:23:35.912-08:002016-11-21T02:23:35.912-08:00Interesting! I have to find that one. I have even...Interesting! I have to find that one. I have even heard those that said Proust was a male lesbian!Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-55108304988386759342016-11-19T19:58:33.722-08:002016-11-19T19:58:33.722-08:00Male lesbians are nothing new. The French writer ...Male lesbians are nothing new. The French writer and poet Pierre Louÿs wrote erotic poetry and a romance or two about lesbians. He also turned his hand to grittier topics later in life. He was a friend of the composer Claude Debussy. His novel Woman and Puppet was later tha inspiration for Somerset Maugham's Of Human Bondage.Iain Quicksilverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08684582555254165767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-86378297234013884632012-10-15T05:40:41.620-07:002012-10-15T05:40:41.620-07:00David/Davida continued.
While I was in college, w...<i>David/Davida continued.</i><br /><br />While I was in college, which I didn't start until I was in my early 20s, I began dating a young woman who was about as confused about the male/female relationship scene as I was and we sort of worked out our own style of interaction. <br /><br />I subsequently married her. I also told her about my ambigendered identity. She said she had suspected as much and that was largely the end of it. It has never been an issue in our relationship. <br /><br />Her casual acceptance gave me room to work out an accommodation to my confusing inner life and related behavior. I accepted myself and worked to find a way that we could integrate this into our lives and our narrative about our life together.<br /><br />For most of my life, I have kept my dual identity<br />compartmentalized into a public and a private presentation. The public presentation has, of course, been by far and away the dominant presentation due to career and family and such. <br /><br />In the past few years I've begun what Ekins would probably call "transcending" or what I think of as blending gender aspects. This has been limited by one of my adult sons living with us while he goes back to school in an effort to improve his employment prospects in the depressed job market here in the U.S. <br /><br />I feel like I've begun to ramble so I'll stop. <br /><br />Regards.<br /><br />David/DavidJack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-7528050813026623552012-10-15T05:40:04.701-07:002012-10-15T05:40:04.701-07:00Here is another comment from David/Davida:
"...<i>Here is another comment from David/Davida:</i><br /><br />"One of the things that resonated with me was your discussion concerning your adolescence. <br /><br />My ambigendered identity was largely dormant until puberty. At this time, it hit me like a tornado and left me reeling in confusion. <br /><br />I was sexually attracted to women and sought out hetero-erotic material. I also recall having penetration fantasies, which was hard to fit into my understanding. Just as confusing, if not more so, was an expectation that I would develop breast. I recall massaging my breasts trying to stimulate them to develop. I don't know what I'd<br />have done had I succeeded. It all just seemed insane. <br /><br />During this time, I was very conflicted and in retrospect I'm sure I suffered from depression. I grossly underachieved in school. I was also<br />angry and hostile but not violent.<br /><br />I am not a large nor pugnacious person and was an easy target for bullies. I fell in with a gang of youth many of whom were older than I, but I was well accepted by them. I didn't understood exactly why but I took friends wherever I could find them. <br /><br />They provided me with a social network of sorts and passive protection from bullies. Passive because they were feared by most of the youth in our community, once I became associated with them I was off limits. Most of my adolescence was spent essentially as a delinquent.<br /><br />Obviously, I had to tightly compartmentalize my masculine/ feminine gender identity because this group was hyper-masculine. My best gender presentation was probably modal as opposed to hyper or hypo but was accepted. <br /><br />Looking back, I think one reason I was accepted was that I was recognized as being exceptionally smart and willing to apply my intelligence to some of their activities, which were often illegal. <br /><br />I have since observed that tolerance for deviance from group norms is tied to competence. The more competent one is the more deviance is tolerated. <br /><br />Another reason I think I was accepted is that I fearlessly embraced high risk behavior they engaged in for "sport" and that almost got me killed several times and seriously injured twice.<br /><br />During this time, I went to lots of parties and was around lot of young women. The parties consisted mostly of drinking and dancing. I focused on the drinking because I was uncomfortable with dancing. I was afraid my body language might reveal my hidden feminine aspects. <br /><br />I got along well with women my age at these parties and could talk with them pretty easily but not in a flirtatious manner. I was sexually attracted to them but did not pursue that attraction. <br /><br />During the fall of the year, there were often football parties (American football). Many of my friends would bring dates who were then neglected as the guys all sat around watching ball games on TV and drinking. The women would often congregate in the kitchen and talk. <br /><br />I had no interest in sports so I ended up in the kitchen talking with the women. My friends found this behavior a bit strange but didn't make an issue<br />of it. I did pick up a nickname "sister Dave" but it was not used in a malicious way.<br /><br />I eventually did begin dating but was at a loss about how to negotiate this activity. I knew how my friends acted both from things they related and things I heard from their girlfriends. Their aggressive style did not appeal to me and so I just followed my<br /><br />inclinations to relate the way I usually related to women in non- dating situations. My first regular girlfriend broke up with me for not being aggressive enough, which was confusing since I regularly had heard complaints about the aggressiveness of men.<br />I decided to try to be more aggressive. <br /><br />My next regular girlfriend broke up with me for being too aggressive. For several years I just couldn't find a mode of interaction that I was comfortable with and that would sustain a relationship.<br /><br />cont...Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-33403611612964721772012-10-01T23:37:32.836-07:002012-10-01T23:37:32.836-07:00@Kelly
Thank you for your kind words!
Using &qu...@Kelly <br /><br />Thank you for your kind words!<br /><br />Using "energy" as a metaphor for this inborn way of interacting with other people makes sense to me, because both the "penetrative" and "embracing" orientations are active and energetic in one sense or the other.<br /><br />You will find both in most human beings, but in people like use the "embracing" one is clearly dominant.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-16275745376071687022012-10-01T22:16:50.780-07:002012-10-01T22:16:50.780-07:00You used words to identify one of two energies tha...You used words to identify one of two energies that live in each person.<br /><br />"receptive copulatory instincts"<br />is one of them and usually found in a female bodied person.<br /><br />This energy also is the basis for compassion,empathy,intuitive experiencing because it is about connectivity by being a part of something larger than oneself<br /><br />The opposite energy is usually found in male bodied people and is expressed as an "acting on" and is penetrative.<br /><br />We have walked a very similar path except that I transitioned to possess the body that was best suited to the energy that I was made up of.<br /><br />I was born with this energy and it made the adoption of a male identity impossible because only a female identity was natural to the structure (expression)of my brain.<br /><br />The subconscious knows the truth that the conscious refuses to accept,identity is predetermined so we are attracted to what we are. <br /><br />We are sexual beings but identity comes first and both are determined by similar forces, they are separate but intertwined <br /><br />Excellant post and blog, you are very gifted.Katherine Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18160143287809113930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-38129283916681621002012-10-01T07:28:47.711-07:002012-10-01T07:28:47.711-07:00David/Davida sent me this comment:
Let me suggest...David/Davida sent me this comment:<br /><br />Let me suggest another analogy to add to the language analogy that I offered in two earlier pieces on this site. A sense of hunger is a biologically based motivation to seek out and consume food. Eating behavior, which covers what one eats, how one eats, where one eats and when one eats is largely determined by socio-cultural context. Similarly, one's sense of sexuality, I believe, is also biologically based and is realized, in whole or part, through gender behavior, overt or covert, which is largely determined by socio-cultural context. <br /><br />David/DavidaJack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-31923700190190596012012-09-27T13:46:55.064-07:002012-09-27T13:46:55.064-07:00@Jack,
"The problem for many crossdreamers is...@Jack,<br />"The problem for many crossdreamers is that their gender confusion is so severe that they are unable to make use of this flexibility. What others consider practical adaptation becomes a threat to their carefully constructed gender identity."<br /><br />Yes this is right. But not that we don't try. For a long time, I used the formal definitions and cultural morals to explain to myself such things as-"Well, how can I be a transgender,if I am attracted to women?"<br />But I could not still accept the definitions and be the "man" in any relationship with women. It just did not fit, something told me that I am suffering not because of my nature but because of the lack of formal theories or concepts to define my very existence.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07001764509641262416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-79664722571407544042012-09-27T00:44:36.926-07:002012-09-27T00:44:36.926-07:00@Medusa
"Jack, I think I should mention that...@Medusa<br /><br />"Jack, I think I should mention that formal society is not necessarily the same as informal world practices."<br /><br />This is a very important point. The Kinsey report shocked America because it told the powers that be that Americans were actually not behaving in the ways the authorities believed. There was, for instance, a lot of same sex action between men who clearly identified as heterosexual. <br /><br />This tells me that the social mores and categories are more flexible than the moral teachings of a culture lead us to believe.<br /><br />The problem for many crossdreamers is that their gender confusion is so severe that they are unable to make use of this flexibility. What others consider practical adaptation becomes a threat to their carefully constructed gender identity.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-58464687831199946382012-09-26T14:02:07.983-07:002012-09-26T14:02:07.983-07:00Thanks for your reply Jack. I appreciate that you ...Thanks for your reply Jack. I appreciate that you are not actually hostile to sexual minorities.<br /><br />I do think that sometimes your taking such strong exception to the claim that dysphoric crossdreamers are fetishists can read like a confirmation of the normal/perverted judgemental distinction, with an insistence that the right sort of crossdreamers (or all crossdreamers, although some don't realise it) are on the right side of the divide. <br /><br />Maybe putting inverted commas around the word 'perverts' might help?<br /><br />Love,<br />Deborah xxDeborah Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17251775114982350453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-34553508803222737452012-09-26T12:04:49.445-07:002012-09-26T12:04:49.445-07:00@ Jack: Gayle Rubin in "Thinking Sex" (1...@ Jack: Gayle Rubin in "Thinking Sex" (1982) put it like this:<br /><br /><i>A democratic morality should judge sexual acts by the way partners treat one another, the level of mutual consideration, the presence or absence of coercion, and the quantity and quality of the pleasures they provide. Whether sex acts are gay or straight, coupled or in groups, naked or in underwear, commercial or free, with or without video should not be ethical concerns.</i>Jonathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147186679298442560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-23009769054762093072012-09-26T12:01:16.486-07:002012-09-26T12:01:16.486-07:00@Jack,
"Among the ancient Athenians, sex with...@Jack,<br />"Among the ancient Athenians, sex with young boys was tolerated, but not with adult men. The young boy was in the same category as women and slaves, i.e. considered unfree and effeminate."<br /><br />But the important point here is that inspite of being socially not ideal, there have been recorded instances of relationships between adult men too at that time. Like, Alexander-Hephastion, Hercules-Patrocules, Enakidu-Gilgamesh etc.<br />Most likely, there was something preached at the formal level while at an informal level, we had more variations.<br />Jack, I think I should mention that formal society is not necessarily the same as informal world practices. Things banned and taboo to talk about in formal spaces don't necessarily mean we cannot do the same thing in private without talking of it openly. That is one thing transgenders have been through for generations as well, especially the gynephilic ones among us. I would guess that masculine men attracted to men are as much oppressed formally as gynephilic crossdreamers ad transgenders because both violate heteronormativity pattern of our western culture.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07001764509641262416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-74323838568111889952012-09-26T09:04:35.623-07:002012-09-26T09:04:35.623-07:00"I feel I must challenge you, though, on your..."I feel I must challenge you, though, on your use of the word 'pervert'. This is an inherently abusive term. Do you actually disdain certain sexual minorities?"<br /><br />Not at all! <br /><br />I have many gay friends of both sexes. I have allies in the asexual community and have even posted material provided by the Norwegian BDSM community. <br /><br />For me there are two lines that are not to be crossed: 1. To truly hurt someone physically or mentally and 2. To use children or others who are not physically or mentally able to resist.<br /><br />But these are moral and criminal acts in my book.<br /><br />The reason I used the word "pervert" in this post, is because there are fellow crossdreamers who actually embrace theoretical concepts that are deliberately developed in order to label us as perverts. <br /><br />The people who develop such theories are not surprisingly the same who feel this incessant need to sort people into "normal" and "paraphiliacs".<br /><br />As far as I am concerned, those are the real perverts, and I think it is absolutely destructive for us to embrace such terms. <br />Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-2256494128401180092012-09-26T08:14:37.667-07:002012-09-26T08:14:37.667-07:00Great article, Jack. Moving, honest and wise. You ...Great article, Jack. Moving, honest and wise. You are certainly strong, as you note.<br /><br />My jury will remain forever out, I think, but I certainly find your theory credible. <br /><br />I feel I must challenge you, though, on your use of the word 'pervert'. This is an inherently abusive term. Do you actually disdain certain sexual minorities?<br /><br />Love,<br />Deborah xx Deborah Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17251775114982350453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-4906248318740308472012-09-25T23:09:29.360-07:002012-09-25T23:09:29.360-07:00@Medusa
"Sexual-orientation has been observe...@Medusa<br /><br />"Sexual-orientation has been observed to vary across time ad cultures. In the Greco-Roman cultures, most men have had a kind of bisexual lifestyle and so, is western brand of exclusive heterosexuality sort of a social imposition?"<br /><br />This is a tricky one, for many reasons.<br /><br />First, even among other mammals we see a lot of same-sex action. That does not mean that they are homosexual in the human sense, but it certainly tells us that even among animals -- where sexual behavior is much more likely to be instinctual -- same sex attraction exists.<br /><br />See my post on <a href="http://www.crossdreamers.com/2010/01/gay-animals.html" rel="nofollow">gay animals.</a><br /><br />Different cultures have different ways of defining what same sex sexuality is permitted and which one is not. <br /><br />As far as I can see, Europe up till the late 19th century was dominated by a taboo against feminization for men. That is: Same-sex sex with a man was somewhat tolerated as long as you were the active one, and not the receptive one.<br /><br />Among the ancient Athenians, sex with young boys was tolerated, but not with adult men. The young boy was in the same category as women and slaves, i.e. considered unfree and effeminate. <br /><br />You may argue that the basic heterosexual orientation among men in Athens was expressed as an attraction towards feminine features and not the female body as such.<br /><br />Still, we know that there were men who were attracted to older masculine men in Athens as well, in spite of the stigma attached to it. And the fact that men at that time, as now, have been willing to risk social ostracization, tells me that there is more to this than culture.<br /><br />I suspect the sexual orientation of most is much more fluid that we would like to admit, though.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-57593083648713009092012-09-25T11:30:12.175-07:002012-09-25T11:30:12.175-07:00@Medusa,
I think that sexual preferences are inbor...@Medusa,<br />I think that sexual preferences are inborn but the culture does have a role,yes. It plays a role in that, it makes it seem like a black-and-white phenomenon, as if most people are either heterosexual or homosexual.<br />However, reality is far more complex. Sexual orientation lies in a spectrum and the same can also be said about gender-orientation.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08255775056077045870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-59494041690637761132012-09-25T09:40:12.607-07:002012-09-25T09:40:12.607-07:00@Jack,
Sexual-orientation has been observed to var...@Jack,<br />Sexual-orientation has been observed to vary across time ad cultures. In the Greco-Roman cultures, most men have had a kind of bisexual lifestyle and so, is western brand of exclusive heterosexuality sort of a social imposition?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07001764509641262416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-39292127639049125292012-09-25T02:06:01.878-07:002012-09-25T02:06:01.878-07:00@Medusa
"However, why is is Jack that majori...@Medusa<br /><br />"However, why is is Jack that majority of people equate our transgender condition with being homosexual?"<br /><br />I think this debate has brought up some very interesting points illustrating this.<br /><br />Many (most) seem to think that the following variables follow each other automatically, or at least that they should do so:<br /><br />1. Sexual orientation (I am attracted to women)<br />2. Sex identity (I feel like a man)<br />3. Gender identity (I feel masculine)<br />4. Gender expression (I like to behave like a man is supposed to do in my culture)<br /><br />It is certainly true that statistically speaking there is covariation. <br /><br />A majority of biological males are heterosexual, identify as men, feel masculine, and like to follow the stereotypical behavior of men in their culture. <br /><br />But there is variation, and most male to female crossdreamers seem to tick off the female box in categories 2 AND/OR 3. <br /><br />I have written about Gilmartin's study of <a href="http://www.crossdreamers.com/2010/03/on-gilmartins-love-shy-men-and-male.html" rel="nofollow">male lesbians here.</a>Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-11831073015319991632012-09-25T01:55:08.358-07:002012-09-25T01:55:08.358-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-64882268297455990542012-09-25T00:46:49.549-07:002012-09-25T00:46:49.549-07:00@ Medusa
I wouldn't really bother to define a...@ Medusa<br /><br />I wouldn't really bother to define a fixed difference. If transgender is used in its inclusive form – i.e. people who transgress gender boundaries in some way – then feminine and effeminate males fit under the transgender umbrella. In those terms I do define myself as transgender.<br /><br />But in other terms, where transgender implies a crossing from one binary gender position to another (which in this case would be male to female), then I <i>don't</i> define as transgender. Because I see my gender diversity as a valid (if culturally less usual) facet of <i>male</i> gender and hence there is no "crossing" to anywhere (and it is only local culture that might insist my gender is female in some way).<br /><br />As a sort of label I use "femme" (rather than feminine), because femme denotes both a gendered and an erotic identity, and these factors (sexuality and gender) are deeply intertwined for me personally. Also, and very importantly, femme (and butch) is independent of binary sex. For instance, in the traditional lesbian paradigm, a butch woman is "masculine" in some sort of way, but she's not male. Similarly, I see myself as femme but not female. It works for me anyway :)<br /><br />"What does the gender diversity account for?" If you mean by that (and possibly you don't) where does it come from and what does it signify, then I'd say it comes from natural human diversity and signifies only itself. In other words, we are who we are – if we are ;)Jonathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147186679298442560noreply@blogger.com