tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post8048732287242953471..comments2024-02-25T22:43:04.662-08:00Comments on Crossdreamers: How I found out my husband is a woman inside and what happened nextSally Molayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-3754181039076942812017-07-24T00:56:03.115-07:002017-07-24T00:56:03.115-07:00Dear A.,
Thank you for your comment, and sorry fo...Dear A.,<br /><br />Thank you for your comment, and sorry for not getting back to you earlier -- I have been on holiday. I know all about the roller coster of emotions you describe, as you know from my post. I would be happy to get in touch, so please write me an email on sally.molay£gmail.com. <br /><br />All the best,<br />SallySally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-46983913097019939922017-07-18T07:28:19.102-07:002017-07-18T07:28:19.102-07:00Hello Sally,
Thank you for sharing this beautiful...Hello Sally,<br /><br />Thank you for sharing this beautiful story!<br /><br />I came across your story while researching, since my boyfriend of 3 years just came out to me last night as a crossdreamer. He believes he is not trans and feels also ok being a man. I believe he has a long path into discovering his real identity, as he has oppressed his true self for so long. I am mostly feeling so sad that he has not felt himself in his own body. I feel sad he had to hide himself from everyone for so long. He is socially isolated, has social anxiety and depression. I want to help him find his true identity and embrace who he is. As I am experiencing a roller coaster of emotions right now, I would also really like to get in touch with you if it is possible. <br /><br />Please let me know if it would be ok to write you an email.<br /><br />All the best,<br />A.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-72681199671670275382017-02-24T00:28:02.043-08:002017-02-24T00:28:02.043-08:00Dear Bobbi,
I can relate to "fter coming out...Dear Bobbi,<br /><br />I can relate to "fter coming out to her as transgender a lot of other things about our relationship started to make more sense to her" :) To me it was like finally finding a map to help me navigate our marriage. Relationships like ours can be confusing and challenging, but if both parties dare to be open and vulnerable, it can also be a very rewarding journey.<br /><br />Hugs!Sally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-28700537383192087202017-02-22T09:46:02.538-08:002017-02-22T09:46:02.538-08:00Hi Sally,
Thank you so much for answering that com...Hi Sally,<br />Thank you so much for answering that comment of mine; I was in a strange mood when I asked it and I realize how personal it was. My wife also told me some of the same sort of things you mentioned here, that she appreciates my softer side, and I appreciate it when she takes charge sometimes so I don't always have to "be the man". <br />There was a point in my life (back in 2002) when I nearly began HRT - Jack and I have talked about this on CDL. In the end I did not proceed, but my wife said something to me at that time that I thought was very interesting. She said "until you I thought all guys were ass-holes, now I know why." I am paraphrasing but the jist of her point was that she always did see something different in me and after coming out to her as transgender a lot of other things about our relationship started to make more sense to her.<br /><br />*hugs* Bobbi<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08214502054847304516noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-72014519565147336182017-02-11T11:50:57.746-08:002017-02-11T11:50:57.746-08:00Hi Bobbi,
I am glad that you and your wife are wor...Hi Bobbi,<br />I am glad that you and your wife are working (most) things out. Still, it must be hard for both of you that your wife has this "mental conflict", as you call it. For us it is different. Jack doesn't crossdress. Even so, there are subtle changes since he came out to me: I can value his softer, femine ways in out marriage, I can facilitate so he doesn't always have to be "the man": I bring out the toolbox to fix stuff etc. This frees Jack to be more himself, socially. He is more cuddly, has taken a greater interest in cooking etc. It is similar in the bedroom: Often I take the initiative and I cuddle him. I can see and feel his inner lady and this turns me on. It is subtle, but powerful.Sally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-6784583275551565352017-02-06T09:37:29.343-08:002017-02-06T09:37:29.343-08:00Hi Sally,
Thanks for sharing your experience in di...Hi Sally,<br />Thanks for sharing your experience in discovering Jack's femme side. I have written a little about my relationship with my wife (in CDL) after coming out to her but there is one section of your post where you admitted you were (or could be) attracted to Jack as a woman. This is a sad and frustrating topic for me because my wife cannot reconcile her feelings when Bobbi comes out - even though she has admitted that she is attracted to women as well. One time when we were getting ready to go out she admitted to me a moment of mental conflict she experienced looking at me from the waist down (I think she was staring at my ass) and then panning up and seeing my face. Even with the layers of make up, wig and hairspray she could still see me - and it caused a inner conflict for her. She was feeling an attraction for a femme shape - but it was her hubby.<br />Did you ever experience this? Was it hard to reconcile your attraction to Jack as man versus en femme Jack?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08214502054847304516noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-14187797723695114472016-11-11T20:05:27.886-08:002016-11-11T20:05:27.886-08:00I see........thank you for the post.I see........thank you for the post.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08648513608823323945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-50284869854459966892016-09-12T03:39:04.421-07:002016-09-12T03:39:04.421-07:00Dear Jack and Sally,
What a wonderful and hopeful...Dear Jack and Sally,<br /><br />What a wonderful and hopeful post! My wife and I have been crossing these troubled waters for years, but only two with her awareness. I am so grateful that she loves and supports me, and also so pleased to have found you both.<br /><br />EmmaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-85800446686473767322015-09-02T18:57:58.915-07:002015-09-02T18:57:58.915-07:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04058312370700873670noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-87672437099426334442015-08-16T04:26:17.556-07:002015-08-16T04:26:17.556-07:00Dear Anonymous,
It is not selfish to work to be t...Dear Anonymous,<br /><br />It is not selfish to work to be the best and most authentic version of yourself that you can be. <a href="http://www.xojane.com/issues/transgender-euphoria-and-guilt" rel="nofollow">Have a look at this article to see what I mean</a>.<br /><br />Transitioning within a relationship or family is difficult, but there it can deffinitely be done. I have just posted a blog post with <a href="http://www.crossdreamers.com/2015/08/resources-for-partners-of-transgender.html" rel="nofollow"> resources for spouses, partners, wives and husbands of transgender people</a>. The sections labelled "Stories" and "Books" both have examples that I find inspiring and enlightening. They might be for you and your wife, too.Sally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-33571611818786476452015-08-15T11:03:21.698-07:002015-08-15T11:03:21.698-07:00Thanks Sally & Jack.
I really appreciate the ...Thanks Sally & Jack.<br /><br />I really appreciate the feedback from you both. What a difficult set of circumstances to have to deal with really. I wish I could just let go enough to actually be able to address this once and for all - but the associated losses so far have been so hard, it's just so difficult.<br /><br />I know what I should do if it was just for me. But it never is that simple is it? There are always others affected by this decision. And the issue I really struggle with on this topic is that it almost seems as if this is a deliberate choice - i.e. transition or not. Which in one sense it is. Sort of. But that means that you are then seen as behaving selfishly if you decide you want to/need to/have to / decide to transition. And if you go, it is necessarily a self absorbed process to a degree. Hard to make that any different. But being selfish is the act of doing something without considering or having any empathy with other people affected by the decision. So, not really selfish per se, but seen as selfish.....<br /><br />And as far as pronouns are concerned, I make mistakes myself, so I don't hold other people up to some high standard bar either, so ease up Anon! We all have many things to worry about, and at least to me, that isn't the top of my priority list right now. I think being misgendered post transition would upset me (reflecting that I had not somehow crossed successfully enough to feel comfortable). But right now, I just try to roll with it. If I screw up then I am sure everyone around me will! I am just grateful for their support, I care less about how they refer to me. Just as long as they call me (back)!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-83453401868177538802015-08-15T02:48:51.034-07:002015-08-15T02:48:51.034-07:00@Anonymous,
If you read the actual post, you will...@Anonymous,<br /><br />If you read the actual post, you will see that I write about the pronouns and the way we have settled it. It might not be the way you would have preferred it, but it is our way. If you take a step back and concider it -- does it seem likely that I would misgender my spouse out of spite or malice after everything I write in the post? Sally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-6524999266058171192015-08-15T00:30:07.344-07:002015-08-15T00:30:07.344-07:00@Anonymous,
Leave the pronouns to us. I present a...@Anonymous,<br /><br />Leave the pronouns to us. I present as a man, and in that context I do not expect anyone to use female pronouns when addressing me. Sally has asked me if I want her to use female pronouns, and I have said no. She respects me for who I am. That's what matters.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-35729003317129847642015-08-14T22:45:37.582-07:002015-08-14T22:45:37.582-07:00Sally, how dare you refer to Jack by the incorrect...Sally, how dare you refer to Jack by the incorrect pronoun? Shame on you. Have some bloody respect!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-66766643605547637102015-08-14T02:15:34.902-07:002015-08-14T02:15:34.902-07:00Thank you again for sharing your thoughts, feeling...Thank you again for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences! I am very glad to hear that it is not as lonely as you had thought. I am also happy for you that you have new, solid friends. I went to a crisis some years ago (depression, anxiety...). The people that stuck with me through that are my most precious treasures. And it is a real, true strength to know who your friends are and have someone you can rely on. We don't have children, but I don't need first hand experience to understand how important it is for you to be able to relate closely and talk openly to your children. That is great news.<br /><br />Much of the other questions/comments you write are more directed at Jack than at me, so he will get back to you when he has a chance.<br /><br />XSally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-31768063256599966962015-08-13T14:10:21.901-07:002015-08-13T14:10:21.901-07:00Now I bet that is going to be hard, until and unle...Now I bet that is going to be hard, until and unless I feel I have successfully crossed and am settled in another gender socially. But I will have suffered great losses to get there, and so will some of the people closest to me (my family), and those will stay with me and them forever. <br /><br />But what if there genuinely is a positive element to this? I seem to have been able to build an extremely loyal, stable, honourable group of people with whom I work, where people really like working and feel I am "different" to most bosses. Good! The ones I had were rubbish! Easy to better that low threshold! But seriously, my ability to do what I do will in part be precisely because I am trans. I am the only one with my particular skill set at work, in terms of people skills and finance. I didn't know why necessarily before, but it stood out in terms of my peers by a mile. Maybe there is something in that. Maybe the way I can relate or talk to my children on one level is a product of this too? My understanding of the differences between the genders and the social interactions underlying them all is clearly influenced by my ability to cross dress acceptably enough to have been assimilated into enough "female only" conversations that you can really start to see the different relationship levels at play versus in a male-female conversation etc.<br /><br />So, there is no denying this is hard. But I think that people trying to define themselves so desperately is natural, but ultimately futile. We are all like snowflakes. But it is too hard for the human brain to process "everyone in the world is unique" - it would overload. So it "groups" items by similarity and difference - to help make sense of the world. Sometimes these are incorrect, or unhelpful to a group affected by it (trans, and a million others types of issue), but in the main they are not unhelpful. And just because you are trans, and don't like that happening on that level to you - your brain is doing no differently in other spheres to form understanding. You still group by age, gender, race, height, language, and a million other factors. You don't JUDGE, but you group. Judging is prejudice. Grouping is natural and a logical organisation of the human brain.<br /><br />I think that you will get these arguments forever within and about the trans community. "I am more trans than you...." etc. Attracted to women or attracted to men? Is one "more trans"? Does either alter your "womanliness"? Does how long you went pre transition (i.e. pre Estrogen) alter your "womanliness"?<br /><br />Don't worry. All that is really hard about this is that there is a mismatch between brain wiring on one level, and physical anatomy on another. And that you can't completely change. If you could just take the hormones and completely alter and become identical to a GG, then it would be different. But you cannot. You will always be "both" to some degree. Surely?<br /><br />Best to you and your good lady, and all those others out there struggling like us. We are not alone. But this is hard. No silver bullets unfortunately......Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-44636654005352476992015-08-13T13:57:24.312-07:002015-08-13T13:57:24.312-07:00But to the point of trans women being less "w...But to the point of trans women being less "women" than GG women - don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that they are, not least as I think I am one! But, it simply isn't the same to be XX and full of Estrogen with minimal T, and to be XY with lots of Testosterone but "some" or "full" female brain wiring. The developmental impact on these two brains is going to be different. It is not to say that one is more or less valid than the other, but they will undeniably be different in certain ways. Whether or not they are different in what people use to define "femaleness" or nor is the point. How do you define femininity? Brain wiring is hard to examine pre post mortem, your physiology is not. So using internal wiring as a definition might be purest to those of us wanting to define ourselves as women, but it is not practical as far as wider society is concerned. <br /><br />Both sexes are naturally wired to be able to read gender quickly and accurately from a limited amount of information, as almost one of the first defining features of another human. I.e. crudely, mate or rival. Clearly loads of subsequent non breeding outcomes here (all non viable errors), but the initial read is usually fast and accurate. Of course sometimes it is a little cloudy, but that's rare. People don't even necessarily know how they do it. We probably have more idea as we are in the area of trying to work out why and work around some of these issues (i.e. transition). Hence we can understand the facial differences etc as well as physical differences that people read unconsciously.<br /><br />So, this will be the innately logical way of defining "woman", "man" or "feminine" etc. And it is overwhelmingly correct statistically. We are talking about the less than 1% incidence rate of Trans type identity. No-one has accurate stats for this, but lets say 0.5-1.0% is already a good, generous number. That is still statistically insignificant to 2 standard deviations from the mean. So even at one deviation from the mean (only 68% accurate, or 32% "errors") people would read "male or female" quite accurately, at 99% it is really accurate. Arguing about the less than 1% is always going to be irrelevant to most people, and hence they are not doing anything to be mean, it just goes automatically into the "there's something incorrect there" category as it is so far outside the mean (over 2 standard deviations) that their brain recognises the "error" quickly, and they either scan for more information, or move on (disregard).<br /><br />So when you get into trans women and their right to femininity, this is hard. I am sure that it is important to consider such things, but it will probably never resolve. Will I, for example, as a potentially transitioned female, be more or less female than my sister? Does it matter is more the question to me?<br /><br />My thoughts on that are; firstly, as long as I am able to be comfortable socially, either by being perceived as a woman, or by no-one caring (the former being most likely and hence hopeful!), then it doesn't matter what my claim to being a woman is. Do I let go my claim to being a man? I am still XY and have a male skeleton and a brain that has had the (benefit??!!) of 40 years of testosterone influenced wiring? And then secondly, is my gender as "trans woman" or just "transgendered" actually beneficial to me and/or others? i.e. is my experience of crossing the genders, and having been influenced by both hormones and all the other factors, beneficial, positive or useful in any way? To me or others?<br /><br />I am sure that it is, as long as I don't end up in some terrible in between state where I am not socially comfortable. They I would imagine it is just f-ing hard. But if in theory I can cross comfortably, then I would argue that the key to my really finding self acceptance is to come to see the unique benefits in that relative to someone normally CIS gendered.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-54315561046882327122015-08-13T13:36:13.018-07:002015-08-13T13:36:13.018-07:00Hi Jack,
Thanks for the replies from both of you...Hi Jack, <br /><br />Thanks for the replies from both of you, which make interesting reading and I do also appreciate the support. It is, as you know, quite a lonely place to be this. But not as lonely as you might fear. All of my friends and social acquaintances have seen me in my present female guise, which is as unaided as it gets, and yet despite my feelings of looking awful, they have been nothing other than kind. Of course it takes some getting used to all around, but it's not that bad. What I don't think works is to do that in perpetuity. I will have to chose.<br /><br />I see your point on some of the definitions, and if I have used any differently to you and caused confusion, then I apologise (ref your "I am a boy" remark), but also your comments about the GG girl feminists putting down trans women. You know, people have always tried to define themselves either in any grouping, or between grouping, by difference rather than just similarity. i.e. if you can distinguish yourself from another group (particularly by superiority) then this is a self confidence building identity claim. If you can be superior even to your own grouping, then this is the same again. It is hurtful to the other group, clearly. But it is natural and time immorial. Not "civilised" necessarily, but naturally occurring nonetheless. Hence you get GG feminists putting down Trans women. But also within GG women, you have women putting down other women for a variety of reasons too (looks, intelligence, behaviour, deportment etc). They just want you to be bottom of their list! Imagine their horror when one pops up from time to time looking stunning (better than they do!) like Carmen Carrera, or Tula etc., or brighter and more successful (Martine Rothblat - highest paid female CEO last year in the US was a trans woman - bet they loved that!). It's like the Monty Python sketch where they define "class" and all try to define themselves in priority to one another.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-9501274971484709842015-08-13T09:03:31.823-07:002015-08-13T09:03:31.823-07:00@Anonymous,
I think you are absolutely right that...@Anonymous,<br /><br />I think you are absolutely right that the fact that we have been raised as men will influence the way we live our lives as women, if we should choose to transition. And no, it will not be easy. <br /><br />But this line of reasoning often leads to the conclusion that our true gender is the sum of all our upbringing and life experiences. This is what the trans-exclusionary radical feminists argue. Trans women are not women because they have not been brought up as women, not been "socially constructed" as women.<br /><br />Yet there they are, all the trans women, defying such a simplistic explanation. And I guess, this is what you are saying too: There is something deeper, biological and inborn even, that gives us this strong conviction that deep inside, somewhere down there, there is something that forces us to express this "womanhood" (whatever it is) and makea us suffer from not being able to play out our lives as women.<br /><br />And we should never forget that a lot of trans women succeeds in spite of the social odds, living strong, happy, lives as women. The forces that want to erase trans lives do not want us to see them, because their lives tell us that another world is possible: A world where trans kids and trans youth are allowed to express their true selves, and where they are allowed to chose the life they really want for themselves.<br /><br />This is why I hesitate when I see you write: "I am a boy". If you had been a boy, in the sense I have described it here, there would be no problem. <a href="http://transcendmovement.com/is-a-transsexual-woman-a-real-woman/" rel="nofollow">I really like what Felix says about this.</a><br /><br />As for the real world, I have -- as far as my own life is concerned (which will often be of no relevance to other trans people on different life trajectories) -- that I will be unable let my "inner woman" live the kind of life she deserves. This is not about giving up a successful career as a man. I have lived an interesting and meaningful life, but being forced to play the role of a stranger does not make you happy. I would have given it all away in a heart beat if I believed there was any chance I could realize her dreams.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-86884048365457613042015-08-11T13:46:08.733-07:002015-08-11T13:46:08.733-07:00Oh, apologies, one last thing, perhaps more for Ja...Oh, apologies, one last thing, perhaps more for Jack too.<br /><br />On transition and presently female. I don't actually find that particularly hard, I think he would find it was far easier than he thinks. Once you start to let go, it just happens, slightly, more and more. You don't have to force it, you just let go of the male one a bit!<br /><br />However, despite being relatively lucky physiology wise (i.e. I am 5'9" and skinny), and being fortunate at work, thus allowing me to have an elegant femail wardrobe, and with my hair and makeup done well, I will still walk into everywhere I go and am either "read" or will have someone refer to me as "sir". Which is not usually meant aggressively (sometimes is) although it is completely thoughtless. It's just that the male facial genetic markers are strong, and "passing" and living comfortably as a woman takes more than just demeanour, manner and makeup. You can't just become so "self acutalised" that it suddenly all goes away. Not unless you are remarkably lucky and looked like a girl initially. Which almost no-one does.<br /><br />So what's involved in transition is quite scary. I couldn't go through life like that, being treated like that every day. And the idea it wouldn't have a negative impact on work/social/other is just silly. It would, it just depends what you are willing to put up with and where you work/socialise I guess. Or you have to go through some fairly scary surgery. With a huge leap of faith presumably that you will come out of it OK and passable. What impact that also has on you psychologically I don't know, but I bet it's not easy to come to terms with.....<br /><br />Good luck to you both. I really hope the best for you and your cat. I hope that me and my little family will all be OK too, in one way or another. Life is strange. It does feel particularly hard right now, but things do always move on..... I guess I can't live in trauma forever so there has to be an end point coming up.....<br /><br />Best. (sorry to keep things Anon!)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-60458268986957047102015-08-11T13:21:28.959-07:002015-08-11T13:21:28.959-07:00Anyway, sorry, perhaps I went off piste slightly, ...Anyway, sorry, perhaps I went off piste slightly, but I think it highlights the level of difficulty for someone with gender dysphoria/crossdreaming et al, and for their partner. At the end of the day though, the person with GD cannot chose to walk away. The spouse can. Those are very different levels of problem.<br /><br />I really think what you are doing is admirable, and I do hope that you find a way to make it work. Some do. I don't know how. Maybe we will re-connect down the line, but if I transition, I doubt it. If I don't, I am still unsure. I can't lose my kids if I don't want to be lost to them, but at the end of the day, they may not want to see me either if I transition. Although really hard, the time apart we are having is at least giving us both space to breathe again after such a hard year. But you also obviously then run the risk that it becomes far easier to get used to that as the new normal, than try and go back. You can never go back, only move forwards. And forwards for us is likely to be apart. At least as husband and wife. It is so sad I can hardly think about it. But I haven't had much choice in the GD and I don't get much choice in this either. I will love her forever, even if I have had to let her go, as was her choice. If you truly love someone, as I do, that's what you have to do if that's what they want to do. It is her right, and hers alone. All I can do is mourn the loss and remember the good times. No idea what happens to me now. Her longer term outcome is probably more predictable as it has a little more precedent. I hope she can find happiness again after all this, even if it isn't with me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-59635601540506487092015-08-11T13:20:58.763-07:002015-08-11T13:20:58.763-07:00Just had to do in two parts as it has a text limit...Just had to do in two parts as it has a text limit.<br /><br />So, in terms of a couple relationship, this is really hard to deal with. I feel that as a spouse, despite how hard this must be for you, and for my wife, you aren't dealing with someone who "is a woman and lied", you are dealing with someone who actually is a man, but who potentially should have grown up as a woman. This is a different condition to strict male/female. There are positive elements to this in terms of personality matching potentially in some ways, but there are big issues as well and that is hard wired into your brain as much as it is into his. You weren't programmed to be attracted to an in between state. There are billions of years of genetic biology and selection built into our human brains. The human need to procreate is the single most pressing drive in all of us. Although I don't like the terminology used by some of the people in this field, from a civilised society point of view, all these complex outcomes are not well understood, nor why they continue to persist (and have not been ruled out by natural selection?)<br /><br />And at least in my circumstances, I didn't know that I did feel different to other men. How could you? You have no concept of someone else's perception, only what they tell you. Do you feel like a man or a woman is also a terribly simplistic question. You are (at least I am) part of both, clearly. I am XY (as are all other TS women or you wouldn't have physically turned out as a boy) and have male hormone in higher quantities than a woman (in my case, only marginally so as it turned out). So I am a boy. And a large part of my brain will have been wired like that, by both chemical and environmental impact. But part of my internal wiring is screaming "but you should look like a girl". Ever noticed how many late transition TS females continue to be quite "manly" in manner and function? Clearly because their brains have already been significantly wired that way by that time.<br /><br />The transition element is where it gets really hard though. And I empathise with Jack as your situation does sound similar to mine. If you have happy, thriving male persona, even if it is arduous to maintain on some level, then transition represents near social suicide. There is no point sugar coating it. What you have to do, if you want to really cross the gender boundary and be accepted as a woman, is huge. Terrifying. And also entirely dependent on your initial male anatomy, which is pot luck. But at best, you will always be a converted man. Can't beat that. The question is how well that will pan out, based on your initial physiology and age. Young, barely through male puberty, slight and fine featured - you are in luck. Good odds. Some transition and look astonishingly good as women. Old, muscular, large skeletal frame - well, you are not realistically going to have such a good outcome. And nobody is going to be able to change that for you more than the limits of science today. <br /><br />So transition is a huge gamble, if you are able to function today as a man. The question is, can you do that forever? Is the dysphoria mild enough to cope with? Will it get worse (mine has, it just wasn't like this before), and what will happen to you if you try to cross and yet don't end up anything like the picture in your mind's eye? Will that potentially be even worse? It will clearly have a social impact, potentially a large one. Do you have to get to the point where you are so desperate you don't care anymore what the level of impact is? Many TS's "go" after significant elements of their life have changed and they feel the downside is more manageable (retired, kids grown up, lost parents etc). <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-70749983778604328542015-08-11T12:46:16.131-07:002015-08-11T12:46:16.131-07:00Sally,
Thanks for the reply and I do really wish...Sally, <br /><br />Thanks for the reply and I do really wish the two of you (and the cat!) the very best. Dealing with these issues is just plain hard.<br /><br />I am also almost certain that after spending a year crashing through this new world, learning as much as I can, that no two situations are exactly the same. And when it is so hard to even articulate to yourself, the idea of being able to articulate it well externally, and then compare notes, is just a myth. There is no wonder that people default to this notion of "girl trapped in a man's body". It's just easier to explain like that.<br /><br />But of course it isn't. The brain is the most complex network we can (not even yet) possibly imagine. It is wired in basic at birth at a level we can barely comprehend. Then it grows and develops amazingly, and forms itself from the biological chemicals within us (hormones and others), all of our experiences, and our own self learning (perceptions etc). It is impossible that two brains are alike, so the idea that this is identical for us all is also impossible.<br /><br />But to me, I believe that one thing is clear after my painful year of soul searching. There is a biological element. Supported by the post mortem findings. But if you take a brain with a conceptual female wiring pattern (i.e. it's self identity, or part thereof) and subject it to 10-50 years of male hormones and experience, it will be wired not as a woman, and not as a more CIS gendered typical man, but as something different again. I started to take the hormones earlier this year for 4 months (paused before physical effects became too dramatic - not ready for that yet) and the difference it was starting to make was astonishing. Like putting different fuel in an engine. I didn't have long before I needed to pause, but long enough to appreciate quite how huge an impact on the brain this has in terms of thinking patterns etc. I didn't learn to use the new toolkit yet either, but it is clearly different. It is impossible for me to know if 40 years of that female hormone you have, and 40 years experience as a girl, working on that initial wiring, would have resulted in my having a different sense of self identity. But I am absolutely confident it would have.<br /><br />What seems to be so painful about this condition is therefore the counterfactual of that. Despite 40-50-70 years of tipping male hormones on top of transsexual brains, the brain still screams out that there is a female element, or that it is female underneath. You don't seem to be able to drown it out even with all the "male" upbringing, hormone and self identity (persona) layered on top. It is just there. I guess it must just vary in strength between us. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-74209949210468330352015-08-11T06:53:51.925-07:002015-08-11T06:53:51.925-07:00Thank you so much for your open hearted and warm c...Thank you so much for your open hearted and warm comments. I am so glad you shared your story. Jack and I have been going through this alone and this year has been very stressful in addition to being a wonderful journey of discovery for the both of us. For all this time I have been looking for other couples going through a similar experience, to share stories and information and to support one another. So I am really glad to hear from you, even though your story took a different turn than ours. I am very sorry to hear that you and your wife are struggling. I hope you figure this out.<br /><br />You are not alone. This site and the fourm Crossdream Life has many others experiencing cross dreaming and/or dysphoria. This is a supporting community with a lot of smart and caring people. <br /><br />You write: "The idea that you can let go of your male persona easily must apply to some people, but it hasn't been like that at all for me. I have been relatively successful as a male, and I have also fathered children which has been the most blessing experience of my life, and I cannot imagine my life without them. Or my wife. For the time we had. Or my life as a bloke. A lot of it was good. But I was still desperate to be a girl on the inside all along. I just didn't know that I could/would/should/needed to."<br /><br />Minus the kids, that is our situation as well. A year ago I was getting mentally ready for the transition and I felt it was the only right thing to do after all the years of carrying this secret around and putting the inner woman on hold. I was looking forward to getting to know her!<br /><br />Despite the cross dreaming and the dysphoria, Jack has a whole life as a man: a successful job, network, friends etc. This is hard to let go of for him. He also feels he has been projecting maleness for so long, switching modes to femininity would be hard as well as scary. Then there is internalised transphobia. There is a lot of shame buried in his heart and we are slowly chipping away at that. <br /><br />So at the moment we are going for what I think of as transition with a little t. Jack is still presenting as a man and has no plans to change this. But when it is just the two of us, I have switched pronouns. I have started to think of us as a little sisterhood - the two of us and our cat. <br /><br /><br />Keep in touch. And hang in there. I am rooting for you!Sally Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02015510914816971645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2472400923228993687.post-57189387205661302162015-08-09T06:49:21.431-07:002015-08-09T06:49:21.431-07:00"As an aside, having now read a lot more of y..."As an aside, having now read a lot more of your site, are you trying to distinguish between "crossdreaming"/AGP as a primarily erotic/sexual need, from the general body dysphoria/social dysphoria of a TS"<br /><br />There was a need for a non-toxic word to describe one facet of the transgender experience that too often is ignored or suppressed, because it is seen as abnormal. Since the 19th century Western culture has been obsessed with the need to sort "normal" sex from the "abnormal", turning natural variation into disease. <br /><br />This pathologization of trans is just another way of disciplining us all; to stop us from threatening the basis of of the traditional heterosexual "missionary position" life style. This threat of shaming and excluding is extremely effective, and explains why so many transgender people repress their alternative identity.<br /><br />If we stop looking at sexuality as something separate from everything else bioloogical or cultural, it becomes much easier to see that crossdreaming is another way for the psyche to express its repressed sides. That is: crossdreaming gives the "inner woman" (or "inner man") a voice -- if we allow ourselves to use that metaphor. <br /><br />There are other ways of expressing gender variance: crossdressing, role playing, writing, artistic expression, mannerisms, gender stereotypical interests, and so on. Indeed, it is often hard to keep these types of expressions apart, and they appear in many combinations in the lives of transgender people.<br /><br />Like you, I am convinced that there are biological components among the many factors causing gender dysphoria. If that is the case, it is natural to assume that those biological factors have deep and primitive roots, and that sexuality and the sexual drive are parts of this. This also supports the idea that crossdreaming is a natural part of transgender lives.<br /><br />However, I don't think this has to be a strict binary, male/female, phenomenon. There are different degrees of gender dysphoria and a wide variety of how gender variance plays out. <br /><br />So in other words: The word crossdreaming is not meant to establish a completely separate category of transgender people. It is meant to help us discuss one of many ways of expressing cross-gender identities.Jack Molayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03629363646482611722noreply@blogger.com