December 13, 2013

Trans woman speaks out about crossdreaming and transitioning

There is a very interesting post over at the reddit Crossdreamer subedit written by transtwin about crossdreaming and the question of transitioning.
Gender questioning (photo: Vladimir Nikulin)

It is interesting because transtwin is a transsexual woman, and we do not often hear from crossdreamers after they have transitioned. (They are, for obvious reasons, moving on with their lives.)

Secondly it is helpful because she presents a very balanced and pragmatic approach to the decision gender dysphoric crossdreamers have to make.

She writes:

"Whether you like it or not, you have a type of sexuality that requires you to look carefully at yourself and take an account of your life and your future in a way that others don't have to. Here is what you need to ask yourself:

  • How do these feelings impact me on a daily basis, how have these feelings evolved over time? How do I anticipate these feeling impacting my ability to do my job, function as a member of society, and fulfill my potential? What do I see in my future in regards to these feelings?
  • How do these feelings impact my relationships with others? Do I feel that I am hiding a part of myself I wish I wasn't? In sexual relationships, do I feel like I am satisfied with who I get to be? Does my sexuality mesh/match well with my partner, really?
  • Will I grow older and always wonder 'what if?'
  • What are my reasons for hiding this side of myself from others? Do I find myself modifying my truths and doing my best to be what others want me to be instead of what I want to be myself?"
She does not say that dysphoric crossdreamers ought to transition. She does not say that transitioning is wrong. Instead she underlines the need for a process where you try to understand what all of this is and what it means for you:

"If all you ever do is all you ever did, don't ever expect any real answers. /u/wxhluyp, jack molay or anyone else will not reveal to you an answer about what is right for you or your future, only you can do that, and you can only do that through real action and honest exploration.

For some, it will lead to full transition, for others it won't at all. The real truth is that it doesn't matter, if you allow yourself the opportunity to explore yourself in the ways you have always wanted to, you will resolve the what ifs, and this will make all the difference. I promise."

Amen to that, sister!


  1. This is the crux of the entire issue...YOU are the only person who knows what is right for you. It does not matter what Blanchard or Benjamin say; the answer is yours and yours alone. There is no litmus test to pass other than understanding what will allow you to live your life with mental balance. If you transition and you are happier after having done so then you have done the right thing. The opposite is also true.

    Once you find a mental peace regarding your management and/or resolution to your dysphoria then you will know you have arrived.

  2. "•What are my reasons for hiding this side of myself from others? Do I find myself modifying my truths and doing my best to be what others want me to be instead of what I want to be myself?"

    This one hits me the hardest but with the commitments I have made in my life and given my age I don't think the risk for me would be worth it. My dysphoria is strong but not strong enough to risk gambling what I have built over a lifetime. This is why I have had to find a compromise solution that allows me to stay mentally healthy and happy without needing to modify my body.

    The hard part of course is needing to hide a part of yourself from those you love. This is why being in that grey in between area is so challenging.

  3. Those are great questions for anyone who has awkward or unconventional feelings. I think at some point I'm going to have to sit down and give those questions some real thought.

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  6. Those are the best questions I've heard yet. It has a very similiar tone to the type of things that tony robbins says if you read his books. He has this technique where he asks you to imagine working the same job in 10 years, how does that make you feel. If you feel miserable, you need to make a change now so that in 10 years you'll be at that dream job. Questions like this aren't going to change your mind necessarily, but it might make you realize that life is short and YOLO so if you really want something, you need to make action to make that happen.

  7. I won't open up a can of worms by giving a full critique of Kristin/Transwin's comments. I'll just make four observations:

    1. Kristin is undoubtedly sincere in her desire to help people.

    2. While instructing her readers to find their own answers and not be influenced by others, she is seeking to influence them in a particular direction - transitioning.

    3. I am glad that Jack addressed Kristin's comments to gender dysphoric crossdreamers. Kristin herself makes no such distinction, she addresses everyone with a crossdreaming 'type of sexuality'.

    4. I think Kristin presents non-transitioning crossdreamers very negatively, in a way that might put readers off joining the online crossdreaming community.

    Deborah xx

  8. Great post. I've been caught in this loop of asking exactly the same questions for 20 years already, wondering if there's going to be some kind of resolution. These same questions prompted me to see a therapist, and after gaining the confidence to explore this just like transtwin describes am I beginning to break the loop and understand more about what it means for me.


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