Norwegian doctors/gatekeepers stop transgender kids from getting the treatment they need

The Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten covers the challenges faced by transgender youth in Norway regarding access to gender-affirming medical treatment in a new article.

Photo of Stina's shoes from Aftenposten.
Photo: Charlotte Førde Skomsøy

It focuses on the case of "Stina," a 13-year-old who was denied puberty blockers by Rikshospitalet, Norway’s national medical institution for gender treatment. Instead, she sought treatment at the Health Station for Gender and Sexuality (Helsestasjon for kjønn og seksualitet, HKS) in Oslo, which granted her access to the medication.

Cis-normative gatekeepers

The article confirms what many trans people have argued for a long time: Public institutions for transgender health often become gatekeepers serving a cis-normative society.

Although the doctors see themselves as progressive and supportive, their internalized transphobia make them set up strict rules for who qualifies as a "real trans person".

Norwegian trans people will tell you that as far as Rikshospitalet is concerned, it helps to live up to the gender stereotypes of accepted femininity and masculinity if you want hormones and surgery.

This is ethically problematic, as these doctors - all of them cis people - have put themselves up as both judges and prisoners, claiming the power to decide whether a trans person should be living their lives as themselves or not.

On being non-binary and bigender and the fear of coming out to the family

Bigender people sometimes feel male, other times female. (Illustration photo. Original photo: Nadofotos, gender switch in Faceapp).

In this guest post Jemimah writes about being non-binary and bigender and the fear of coming out to their family. Jemimah is assigned male at birth, but they may switch between a male and a female gender identity.

By Jemimah

I was recently asked whether writing help me deal with my gender complications.  The answer is possibly.

A follow-up might be to ask about reading. I do a lot of reading; I am, for instance,  about to go and follow the Silk Road to China. But while the Chinese situation in Xinjiang is interesting,  it is not directly relevant to the topic of this blog post.

Non-binary and bigender identities

I have read lots of books on transgender issues recently, though. One book in particular did provide some relief. It was Trans Britain: Our Journey from the Shadows, a collection of essays arranged by Christine Burns.

It is a complete history of all modern activities in the non-straight world in Britain and has, for instance,  some surprisingly encouraging accounts of straight politicians helping the LGBT community.

The book probably caught my eye because included in it is an essay on non-binary identity, by Meg-John Barker, Ben Vincent and Jos Twist. Non-binary is, as they point out, the most common umbrella term for people who experience their gender as neither male nor female:

"Non-binary people can have a fluid experience of gender, experiencing themselves as more male, more female, both or neither, at different times. Other non-binary people experience themselves as somewhere between male and female, or as a separate third category, for example."

Their main focus is on the area somewhere in between male and female. This may be the more common condition. They think that about one in 250 identify themselves as other than male or female.

The non-binary identities they are discussing are not necessarily bigender in the sense that I, Rick/Ria [a 26 year old British bigender person] and the neuroscientists V.S. Ramachandran and L.K. Case understand it, though.  I believe myself to have, one at a time, a male and a female gender.

Listen to this podcast about crossdreaming in a relationship

A heads up for a very brave and very interesting podcast from the couple John and Nikki, two podcast publishers who until now have mostly talked about their open relationship.

Photo: Antonio Guillem

The latest episode, however, is about John's crossdreaming and what that has done to both of them.

They cover some of the same ground as I did in my July blog post on Telling Your Girlfriend about Being a Crossdresser or a Crossdreamer.

If you look at this comment to that post,  you will see that Nikki is not the only one who have felt betrayed and hurt, not so much by the crossdreaming itself, as the fact that their partner has kept this part  from them. My wife expressed the same disappointment and hurt when she found out about my transgender side.

I guess the main message from my blogpost and the courageous discussion of John and Nikki, is that openness about this is the only meaningful option in the long run. The female partner should not be left in the dark about this, and -- I speak from my own experience -- the secrecy is also destructive for the crossdreamer.

That being said, it shouldn't be hard to understand why male to female crossdreamers stay in the closet, even vis-a-vis their partners. They are violating one of the strictest taboos in our misogynistic societies: A man that dreams about being a woman is at best weak and pathetic, at worst a sexual pervert. The fear of losing the respect of the loved one is strong. It is, unfortunately, quite realistic as well.

We are facing one of the many negative feedback loops that makes human existence so hard: Stiff necked prejudices stops people from living out their own dreams and potential, and the need to belong to your local community turns us all into cops policing the trespassers. Transgender people are often themselves the best cops, hence the secrecy.

I wish they would stop using the terms "autogynephilia" and "AGP. This is an N word in the transgender community and for very good reasons.

Nikki and John are not transphobic, but the man that coined the term is, and the term itself refers to crossdreaming as a sexual perversion.  The theory itself is extremely bad science. It been thoroughly debunked by people who actually know something about this and who have joined not only the 20th century, but the 21st as well. More about that here.

If embedded player does not work, download the episode here.

In Memory of Those We Lost

Suicide is the greatest threat crossdreamers face. What can we do about it?

Last summer there appeared a heart breaking post on one of the male to female transgender/crossdreamer caption blogs: Yvonne's Caption World.

The message read:

"My name is Mark. I am Yvonne's brother.

I am afraid I have to bring you the sad news that three weeks ago Yvonne decided to take her life

She left a note saying that she felt she could no longer go on living (in her words); 'in between two genders, dysfunctional in one and unable to become the other.'

She did not feel she had anyone to turn to. I wish she had given me a call."

Her site is full of captions and stories reflecting the dreams of a gender dysphoric crossdreamer. And yes, it seems obvious to me that Yvonne was a transsexual woman. In the upper right corner of her blog you will find a request for support for her transition.

Suicide among crossdreamers and transgender

We have actually no idea of how many crossdreamers take their life every year. The reason for this is that most crossdreamers are invisible, not only to health personnel  but often also to their loved ones. Often those left behind do not know what really caused their family member to chose this option.

We do have statistics for registered transgender, however, and I have reason to believe that great many of those registered as such are crossdreamers (transgender is here an umbrella term including a wide variety of gender variant people).

Samantha Speaks

There is a video blogger over at YouTube that might like to listen to. I have mentioned her before: Samantha Zero, an American Transgirl in Denmark. I admire her a lot.

Here's a woman who consciously calls herself transgendered, not transsexual. She doesn't follow the traditional narrative of the classic transsexual. She once identified as a man, loved a woman, used to crossdress, and has even admitted to having had autoerotic feelings before transitioning.

In other words: She may have a lot in common with some readers of this blog.

Enough said. Here she is.

Links to her videos on:
Transgender terminology
Cross-dressing
Losing her relationship

Joan Roughgarden and autogynephilia

The final part in a series about Joan Roughgarden and her studies of sex, gender and nature. In this post I look at what Roughgarden's alternative view of evolution and sex can mean for male to female crossdreamers.

Joan Roughgarden's reflections on biology and gender began with a gay parade in San Fransciso:

"In June 1997 I marched in my first gay pride parade. I walked up Market Street in San Francisco, from the Civic Center to the Ferry Building. The parade was one of the biggest I had ever seen, and the sidewalks on both sides were packed six deep. I had heard that 1 in 10 people is gay or lesbian, but had always felt this number exaggerated. At this parade, though, I began to realise for the first time that the number of gays may indeed plausibly reach that figure."

The biologist in her found this to be quite of a problem:

"My discipline teaches that homosexuality is some sort of unexplained anomaly. If the purpose of sexual contact is reproduction, as the standard explanation has it, how can all these gay people exist? One might argue they are somehow defective, that some developmental error or environmental influence has misdirected their sexual fantasies. If so, gay and lesbian people are here for a brief time during our species' evolution, awaiting removal when natural selection prunes those with lower Darwinian fitness."

Same-sex behavior is common

Roughgarden finds, though, that same-sex behavior is common in nature, and have probably been so for a very long time, which means that Darwin's view -- that males and females have preordained roles of "horny handsome warriors and discreetly discerning damsels" -- is wrong.

In her words:

"In many species, including ours, females are not necessarily less eager than males, nor do females all yearn for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Females often solicit males, and males often decline. Moreover, in many species the supposed sex roles reverse. Even Darwin acknowledged species of birds, like the jacana, in which the females are highly ornamented and the males dull and drab, reversing the peafowl story.

Crossdreaming ("autogynephilia") and loneliness

How do you explain to the woman you love that you dream about taking her role?

Living with autogynephilia can be hell, there is no doubt about it. Here we are, living in a society that seems to judge us by our ability to live up to masculine ideals, while we dream about being women full time or at least about allowing our "inner woman" to be an important part of our otherwise "manly" lives.

We love women, and we fall in love with women, and we want to be with them, just like other men. But how do you approach women, when they have no reason to expect anything else than a "normal" man. How do you tell a woman that you dream about being the catcher, when she is looking for a pitcher?

I am going to republish parts of an email I have gotten from another autogynephiliac. Let's call him Anonymous 20+ The text expresses the pain and the anguish that can follow from this condition. He is in his twenties.

If you have any advice or experiences that can be of help, please add a comment!

Teenage love and acceptance

"I am a ... male with autogynephilia along with crossdressing. Almost all my fantasies involve identifying with the 'female' role, though this has not precluded me from a couple of fulfilling relationships in the past. I have had girlfriends, two of which were serious(...). I've had sex with two partners -- both were these two serious girlfriends. The last time was about four years ago....

My first girlfriend (let's call her FirstLove) knew about my crossdressing and fantasies (we dated [as teenagers]). I told her , though it was immensely painful to do so. Luckily, she accepted me for it. I kind of knew she would because she had a big heart. We were both each other's firsts etc. I suppose I am a fool for leaving her, but I was young and didn't know any better. Now she is married. She used to go shopping with me for clothes, and we had good sex and similar sex drives, and were very close to each other, she was aware of my fantasies and even sometimes played along, so I know it's possible to have a fulfilling relationship as an autogynephile.

Something's wrong with you

I did not tell my next girlfriend , in college. Let's call her SmartGirl. Our relationship slowly progressed to staying at each other's apartments, and we eventually had sex a few months in....Sometimes the sex with SmartGirl was good though, I think partly because we were together long enough to establish trust and build some physical chemistry, even though I didn't tell her my fantasies...

But SmartGirl had a feeling something was up with me. I think because later I avoided sex , partly I felt like I was hiding something (which I was) , partly because I didn't care , and partly because I felt "why be intimate if she could never accept the full picture?" So I remained kind of distant. I also had to fantasize about taking the female role to enjoy sex. And I still crossdressed by myself at my apartment....some months later, she eventually left me because I did not make her feel 'desirable'. So she cheated on me and left. Partly I think this was because I was not paying her enough attention and initiating sex enough.

So I pick up and move on...- then this whole thing happens again the next year with a third girl, let's call her ArtistGirl. That is, ArtistGirl leaves me after telling me I didn't make her feel desirable. SAME THING. You can imagine how I felt after that. ...

After that, I completely avoided relationships with women, just because I became so scared about this whole thing. I was literally in despair on and off for the past four years.

Two things kept running through my mind:

(1) I was a fool to have left FirstLove who I lost my virginity to and the only girl who KNEW and accepted my fantasies

(2) Having the same failure happen TWICE in a row with the next two girlfriends (SmartGirl and ArtistGirl) -- neither of whom I had the guts to tell about my fantasies or crossdressing -- and then have them both leave me , because I did not make them 'desirable' or 'wanted'. This made me realize this was something on my end.

What a horrible feeling.

I literally remember the second time when ArtistGirl told me the same thing as SmartGirl (basically, "what's wrong with you?", "don't you enjoy sex?", "don't you want me?") I just felt my stomach sink and my heart sink and I felt like I was going to cry. I felt ill and the room was spinning. I thought to myself, "am I going to be alone the rest of my life now?" I felt incredibly stupid, like I was misleading them as to who I was , since I wasn't a 'normal' guy, I was some damaged fuckup. Anyone who says it's easier to be gay or trans has no idea how painful this is.

In hiding

For the past several years, I simply lived alone and crossdressed on and off, despite my desire to have a girlfriend and to be in a long term relationship..

Part of me just wants to say fuck it and be alone. But that gets incredibly lonely. It's only fun for a little while. Part of me wants to seek out a partner, but I feel like we'd have differing expectations -- what could I offer her, and what could she possibly expect to offer me?

I mean, if a girl is attracted to the 'male' me and wants me to be the 'top' in her fantasies, how can I possibly explain to her I am fantasizing about being in her role? Can this even work? And further, how can I possibly expect her to accept that *her* role is what I find sexually arousing? I suppose FirstLove did... I mean I realize it's possible but how to go about this? The logistics seem impossible. When to bring it up? I don't mind switching off roles, but I just don't know how to get to that point in intimacy anymore... I seriously wish this never happened to me.

I avoided all opportunities with women the past few years due to an immense fear of failure and internal pain. (ie. I am damaged goods, why should I bother, etc). Recently I decided that , well , I'm 26, I better try to find a girlfriend if I ever want someone to accept me and to have children with etc. If I fail, I fail, whatever I'll just live by myself and crossdress and get on with things.

So I go out and make an effort to find a girlfriend. I've been working out, staying fit, healthy, etc. I don't really crossdress that much these days, maybe once every month or two. It's more the fantasies that are the problem.

Incompatible?

Anyway, this is somewhat successful, and within a few months I have a girl , lets call her Girl4, who is interested in me. I could now hypothetically go over to her house whenever I wanted to sleep with her. But I don't really want to... I do and I don't... For example, we have given each other backrubs and explored each other's bodies somewhat. But I am scared out of my mind. I feel like we don't know each other that well, and we have mismatched expectations. For example, we are lying together, and she's asking me all the things I want to do to her. She is talking dirty to me in a 'hetero' way. I just feel so lost.

... Part of the problem here is that we have the SAME fantasies. She wants to be the female role and to be sexually submissive. ... She is fantasizing about me in the dominant role! I don't mind indulging this as long as she understands where I'm coming from.. that I identify with HER role and I am playing along for our mutual enjoyment. But obviously she doesn't understand this . because I haven't explained it yet.

I might feel differently if I knew that we were in a relationship and that she was committed to making things work etc at least for a little while. Then I might feel more comfortable trying to make things work, experimenting with my 'male/dominant' role etc. I don't mind 'switching' sexual roles (dominant / submissive) or trying it at least, if we switch off. I might even be able to enjoy taking the dominant role , based on identifying with her reactions . But there is zero comittment here , and I feel she thinks I'm something I'm not.

I explained to her when she asked that I was 50% dominant and 50% submissive (which I suppose was misleading because I left out the 50/50 gender component), I also explained that I was nervous about being with a new girl, it had been a few years, etc. I think she understands that I'm unusually sensitive and understanding as a lover -- and I can also tell she really likes it -- but I don't think she understands the full implications and all the associated problems. I feel like I'm navigating a sea of postmodern schizophrenic sexuality with no markers or reference points.

I am curious if I can perhaps enjoy sex with her by taking the 'male' role , then by identifying with her in the submissive role, but then I get back to , "well, why not just dress up by myself?" This is way less effort and I know it's at least partially gratifying. Then I think , well maybe I can make it work with this new girl if I explain to her my fantasies at some point, and she is okay with it, and we switch off or something. But then we go through the circle of maybe I should just have sex with her first, then explain. Very confusing...

So that's where I'm at today. A potential girlfriend and I'm scared and I just don't know what to do. ...

As for me -- I don't want a sex change, though sometimes I fantasize about it, but I think that's just a fantasy. I am somewhat comfortable in my male role. I don't mind leading when I have to. But I also like to be in a female role sometimes. I feel like I'm 50% male and 50% female. I am open to fulfilling my girlfriends fantasies if she accepts me for mine, but reaching this level of intimacy is a catch-22. I simply don't know how to go forward. It's much easier at this age to be alone, and it doesn't help that I've cut myself off from female contact for four years.

Not knowing makes it easier

It was much easier when I was younger because I didn't think about all these things. My girlfriend and I just fell in love. It didn't really occur to me how messed up I actually was. Part of it was that we were both virgins and I didn't think about the details. She loved me so much she didn't care I was damaged goods. But now ... there is a completely different set of expectations. Girls are looking for guys with alpha qualities, not damaged goods they can fix up. On top of this, Casual sex is the norm in my peer group -- but I find casual sex absolutely repulsive. Vanilla Sex in general I don't even find arousing.

I did enjoy sex with my first girlfriend, but this was because I trusted her immensely and we loved and took care of each other. Part of it was also I could get away with autogynephilic fantasizing and my first love didn't seem to care. She even played along because she loved me. But now I seem to need to establish a high level of intimacy before I can perform and even enjoy sex because I'm so scared about the extent of my fantasies. Hell I don't even care that much about sex. It's more about giving my partner what she likes , and in return she loves and accepts me.

Two failed relationships though have really made me worried that I'm too damaged for this anymore.

So I have no idea what to do. Whether I should keep trying to find a partner, whether I should just give up and spare myself the pain, how I should proceed , whether I should explain myself up front, whether I should try to have sex first and then explain myself, how other autogynephiles approach their sex life, etc.

Anonymous 20+

Jack's comment

I have added my own reply to this email as the first comment. I am afraid I might have written something wrong, because I haven't heard from Anonymous 20+ since. I have permission to republish the text, though.

Let me add here that this email and others like it tells me that it is far too easy to dismiss autoghynephilia as a mere "fetish" that can be controlled by free will. It runs deeper, much deeper, which is why it is so hard to handle.

This email is also relevant to the debate on whether autogynephiliacs are self-obsessed "autoerotics" in love with their inner woman. The theory of Blanchard & Co classifies autogynephilia as a paraphilia, saying -- in essence -- that autogynephiliacs are unable to establish regular relationships with women, because they have internalized their external object of desire.

This email tells me that there is a much simpler explanation. Autogynephiliacs are caught in a Catch 22 of shame and confusion, and find it hard to believe that a regular love life is even possible. No wonder they escape into a secret life of hidden cross-dressing or erotic fantasies. The question is: What can we do about it?



UPDATE ON TERMINOLOGY

Since this blog post was written I have stopped using the terms "autogynephilia" and "autoandrophilia" to describe people. The reason for this is that the terms implicitly communicates an explanation for why some people get aroused by imagining themselves as the opposite sex . This explanation, that this is some kind of autoerotic paraphilia,  is both wrong and stigmatizing. Instead I use the neutral term "crossdreamers".

Click here for a discussion of the dark side of the autogynephilia theory.

Samantha Zero on Autogynephilia

I have already presented Mr. A's vlog over at YouTube. He is discussing how he is handling this condition with his viewers, changing his understanding of autogynephilia in the process.

Samantha Zero, an M2F American living in Denmark, has responded to one of his videos with this interesting comment.

UPDATE: Samantha has now taken down this video. Too bad. It was really helpful!

Anonymous 18 and autogynephilia

Questions from a young cross-dreamer.

I got the following email the other day:

"Hey, my name is [Anonymous 18]. Im an 18 year old kid and my whole life I have used the fetish that you talk about in your blog as a sexually arousing fantasy.

I am a regular guy (in my mind) and heterosexual but my whole life I couldnt shake the feeling that these sex dreams that I have are unhealthy.

Until recentlly I started doing research on the internet and was even convinced for a little while that I was a transgendered man and then I went a few weeks thinking that I would rather kill myself than have a sex reassignment surgery.

As soon as I found your site and other sites defining autogynephillia I was so releaved and surprised, however, that this term isn't spoken about amongst others who have it.

As a beginner in the A-G community I just want to know in your words how you feel about this term. What's your gender, age, lifestyle? Do you crossdress in public (which I think is weird)?Just to hear from someone else who has this and how they deal with it would be a relief for me. Thanks!"

I asked Anonymous 18 for permission to republish this email on the blog, for truth to be told, I do not feel qualified to be the only one giving him advice on such a tough topic. Those of you that have followed this blog, know that it is definitely more of an explorative nature than evangelical.

Love life of an autogynephiliac

Anyway, this is what I wrote back:

"It is great hearing from you! One of the reasons I started this blog was the fact that I found so little written by 'autogynephiliacs' out there, which made this so much harder to bear. The problem now is that the more I write and think about this the less I trust all the words we take for granted, words like fetish, unhealthy, perversions, unnatural etc. etc.

I believe that I have come to the conclusion that the basis for what we feel is quite natural. We are part of what Joan Roughgarden call 'Evolution's Rainbow' (good book by the way!). However, since most people do not know about the condition, nor how to understand it, we end up hiding us from the rest of the world, full of shame.

I believe that 'autogynephilia' is a useful term, even if I do not buy the explanations given by the people who coined it.

There seems to be two main types of 'autogynephiliacs': cross-dressers and what I call cross-dreamers (men who dream about having a woman's body). Many are both. I am a cross-dreamer. I tried cross-dressing. It didn't work for me, I am sorry to say (!), because cross-dressing is something open-minded women actually can understand and live with.

That is the good news for you at 18: There are many cross-dressers out there that live happily married lives with women they love. There are many women who are willing to live with a cross-dresser. And most of these cross-dressers live this way without going through a sex change. It seems to me that they often do not have to transition, as they get to know and accept their feminine side through cross-dressing.

For others, however, the urge to transition becomes so strong that they do it, maybe because they are classic transsexuals, "women trapped in men's bodies", or maybe for other reasons. I guess you yourself will have to find out what your needs are. It seems to me that you have already concluded that you feel no need to transition in real life, only in your fantasy life, which is fine with me!

I am in my early forties, living in Scandinavia. From the outside there is nothing to tell people that I feel what I feel, nor have I shared this with many of my friends. I suspect that I might have chosen differently if I lived in California, for instance. See Alice Dreger's book Alice in Genderland for an example of an autogynephiliac who has chosen another path (you can read the first chapters online for free) . Alice decided to search out the club scene in California and not only cross-dress in public, but to live a double life as a part-time woman dating men!

I guess my point is that even if this is a tough burden to bear, you have a lot of opportunities. You can turn this into something really good!"

Recommendations from a psychiatrist

Anonymous 18 has one great advantage compared to many of us "elders": He has grown up with the Internet and the possibility of discussing this strange phenomenon with others online. When I was at his age, I hadn't gotten my first computer yet, and the only thing I knew about transgender issues was the few articles I had read in the newspapers. They said, of course, nothing about autogynephilia.

Anonymous 18 has also taken the step of consulting a psychiatrist, which I think can be a sensible thing to do.

I know that many transgendered report about very bad experiences when it comes to psychotherapy. The reason for this is that there are as many bigoted and prejudiced people in that crowd as in any other. Still, if you find an open minded one, he or she may be of great help. The point is not to cure the autogynephilia, but to help the autogynephiliac come to terms with what this condition is.

The psychiatrist of Anonymous 18 is clearly one searching for an answer, as he or she recommended that A18 should ask people like us for advice!

The sex life of autogynephiliacs

Anonymous 18 asks:

"What's the sex life of an autogynephilliac like? I have never spoken to any and my psychiatrist recommended me to reach out to a few. This way I can clean myself of my insecurities. Are you heterosexual, homosexual? I have always felt attracted to women and have yet to have sex but I am beginning to think that these feelings may interfere in some way with my future sexual relationships.

The thing about sex that is real scary for me is that I am attracted to women's bodies but I can't 'get over the hill' unless the fantasy of myself becoming one is fantasies. So even in sex with a woman I would have to fantasies which would probably interfere with the sex."

This is where I need your help.

I think A18 and others like him would find it really helpful to get examples on how to live with this condition. When I read comments made on this blog and in other online fora, I know that opinions are divided on this issue.

Some argue that autogynephiliacs are too self-absorbed to make long term relationships work. Others report that they have managed to integrate this into their marriages. The other day I got a thank you mail from an autogynephiliac who told me had been reading from this blog to his wife. They are still together.

Here is my response:

"Yes, this is the case with autogynephiliacs. We are attracted to women (being heterosexual/gynephiliac), and can enjoy sex with women very much. However, the real turn on for an autogynephiliac -- even when being with a woman -- is the fantasy of being a woman yourself.

So the question is whether it is possible to integrate this fantasy life into a real sexual relationship with a woman.

Many autogynephiliacs report that they manage to do that, and there are as many explanations for this as there are happily married or partnered autogynephiliacs:

1. Some enjoy the role of the man as much as of the woman. They act out the role of the man with the woman and the role of the woman in privacy. The main problem here is that the cross-dressing or cross-dreaming may become dominant.

2. They integrate the role-playing into their sex life with their partner. I have heard of pairs where the man dreams of being the woman, and the woman of being the man! The woman takes the active role, and may even use a strap-on dildo on the man. Now, there may not be many 'androphiliac' women out there (we don't know), but there are many who wouldn't mind playing along -- at least from time to time.

3. They keep their autogynephilia secret, but fantasize about being the woman while being with their partner. This may be very frustrating in the long run.

4. It has to be said that a lot of relationships break up because of autogynephilia. Some therefore end up living alone. They cross-dress and cross-dream and leave it at that.

5. Some decide to go the whole way and undergo surgery. Many of them go on to live good lives together with a woman or a another transgendered. There is also a significant proportion that changes their sexual orientation throughout the hormone therapy/surgery and end up living with a man.

As for whether an autogynephiliac is truly heterosexual or homosexual, I have a feeling reality is more complicated than that. It seems most cross-dressers and cross-dreamers are heterosexual as men. Like you, they are attracted to women. In their fantasy-life however, when dreaming about being a woman, they may imagine themselves being with a man. I would say that they are heterosexual as women as well. However, the researchers that coined the term autogynephilia deny this."

To transition or not to transition

Anonymous 18 is worried that he would end up having a sex change. There are quite a few autogynephiliacs who would say that would be a good thing. A18 does not:

"The scariest thing about being autogynaphiliac and being aware of it at such a young age is that it seems like most 'happy ending stories' involve other autogynephilliac men who eventually have sex changes. And I have no desire to transition at all, however, it seems to be a 1 way road. I'm crossed between my real life where I am happy living my life as a guy and my odd sexual desire to be a woman. In the end it's like living two very different lives and it's just difficult to ensure that I am going to win the battle.

What is your sexual orientation as an autoginaphiliac?"
My response:

My sexual orientation is gynephilic male. In real life I am attracted to women and women only. And yes, I have been with the same woman for more than 10 years!

She doesn't know everything about my autogynephilia and since I am not a cross-dresser it isn't all that visible. But she knows that I am somewhat different than other men and doesn't seem to mind.

I believe my feminine side was what she found attractive in the first place.

It isn't easy to be an autogynephiliac, but don't let anyone tell you that you cannot have a fruitful love life! It is possible, if you find the right woman. Needless to say, you may be in for quite a few disappointments before you find her -- but then again, that is true for all men, not only autogynephiliacs."

Do you have any advice for A18?



UPDATE ON TERMINOLOGY

Since this blog post was written I have stopped using the terms "autogynephilia" and "autoandrophilia" to describe people. The reason for this is that the terms implicitly communicates an explanation for why some people get aroused by imagining themselves as the opposite sex . This explanation, that this is some kind of autoerotic paraphilia,  is both wrong and stigmatizing. Instead I use the neutral term "crossdreamers".

Click here for a discussion of the dark side of the autogynephilia theory.

Wife of an autogynephiliac asks for help

Dear readers,

I need your help.

I got a comment today from the wife of an autogynephiliac. She has discovered her husband's "secret identity" and wonders how the two of them are going to cope.

Have any of you been through this? And if so: What did you and your wife or partner do to reestablish trust?

Here is the comment from Susanne:

"oh, thank you for this blog!

I am a heterosexual female who has been married to my husband for 7 years. We have 2 young children. Yesterday, I found photos of him...that were world-altering for me. After some research, I believe him to be an autogynephiliac. Looking back, so much is now explained...

While I am the stereotypical heterosexual female, I like to think of myself as fairly open-minded. I think I could incorporate this into my life, but I'm not sure if HE will allow me to incorporate this. In a weird way, I think this bothers him more than it does me.

And I'm totally upset about the secret life that he has been leading - much more so than by what I saw in the photos. I feel like I have just discovered that he has had an affair for 7 years with someone that he knew before we were married - it just happens that that someone is himself.

My first thought is that we need counseling - both marriage and individual - even he admits that he needs to learn to love himself for who he is, but I still need help regaining marital trust. So much easier said than done in rural Iowa...

Anyway, where do we go from here? I desperately want advice."


This is my response:

"I have seen old maps where the cartographer had decorated the white undiscovered areas with magical beasts and dragons. That's probably where the two of you are now.

There are probably not that many advisers, priests, psychologists or psychiatrists that know much about this. Still, if you know someone wise and friendly with an open mind, I would definitely go and ask for some help -- just to have someone to talk to. If you do not know anyone, it would probably make sense to find a psychologist or psychiatrist that specializes in sexology. There must be someone -- even in Iowa! You might have to travel a bit, though.

I must say I admire your way of handling this. Your open mind and your acceptance is probably the very factor that can turn all this into something good.

I totally understand that you feel betrayed, and that regaining trust will take time. He has not been cheating on you, though. "The other woman" is, as you point out, part of himself. And the reason he kept it all secret is not that he doesn't love you. It is probably quite the opposite: He was afraid that he would lose you and his family if you found out.

Your understanding will probably go a long way towards helping him accept himself as who he is. If I am not mistaken, though, the other shame -- the one that comes from him having kept you in the dark -- may stay a little longer.

I am not sure if I can add much more to this. I will take the liberty of quoting your comment in a new blog post and ask the readers for input."

Photo by Bright lights from giantwheel


UPDATE ON TERMINOLOGY

Since this blog post was written I have stopped using the terms "autogynephilia" and "autoandrophilia" to describe people. The reason for this is that the terms implicitly communicates an explanation for why some people get aroused by imagining themselves as the opposite sex . This explanation, that this is some kind of autoerotic paraphilia,  is both wrong and stigmatizing. Instead I use the neutral term "crossdreamers".

Click here for a discussion of the dark side of the autogynephilia theory.