February 21, 2010

Samantha Speaks

There is a video blogger over at YouTube that might like to listen to. I have mentioned her before: Samantha Zero, an American Transgirl in Denmark. I admire her a lot.

Here's a woman who consciously calls herself transgendered, not transsexual. She doesn't follow the traditional narrative of the classic transsexual. She once identified as a man, loved a woman, used to crossdress, and has even admitted to having had autoerotic feelings before transitioning.

In other words: She may have a lot in common with some readers of this blog.

Enough said. Here she is.

Links to her videos on:
Transgender terminology
Losing her relationship


  1. It's a great video, and very informative. I love it.

    But I don't agree that she didn't follow a typical TS experience. In fact her experience as she explained it is quite typical of most who choose to transition.

  2. Thanks for posting this Jack, it was very informative and kudos to Samantha for creating it!

    One of themes that emerged for me was Samantha's need to push the envelope of her personal cross-dressing further and further until she finally started dressing full-time.

    I certainly don't want to diminish anyone's experience, but this type of progression could also be the result of neurotransmitters affects on the reward centers of the brain, mimicking the addiction response.

    I found this writeup today by "Valerie" on Yahoo Answers in response to the question "Why do I have the desire to cross-dress?"

    "Valerie" had this to say: "When you feminize yourself your brain releases neurotransmitters just as if you were making love to a woman..."

    There is lot more there and I am dying to know what you think of it.

    Here is the link to article:


    Quoting the full text below:


    Cross-dressers brains are hard-wired such that when we feminize ourselves, our brain interprets this as actual contact with a female and releases neurotransmitters just as if you were making love to a woman. These neurotransmitters are powerful chemicals. They produce sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification and self-identity. They affect the reward centers of your brain so it mimics the addiction response. You feel as if you NEED to cross-dress. You can't stop. You can't stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters. You can't stop noticing pretty feminine things.

    Mentally you begin to fantasize about female role-play. You identify yourself as female. It's like there are three sexual orientations: heterosexual, homosexual and autosexual. The autosexual creates an alter-ego that fulfills his need for sexual intimacy. In reality you are just substituting objects for intimacy.

    If you decide to celebrate your cross-dressing then beware. Your body craves the feeling these neurotransmitters produce. Your body wants more and more neurotransmitters. Like all fetishes the longer you repeat the same stimulus the less dopamine is released. In order to continue to release high amounts of dopamine you must push the envelope of your personal cross-dressing. So you feel as if you need to go further and further and further with your cross-dressing.

    So this is why cross-dressers try to feminize themselves as much as possible. They try to pass as a woman. They create a female alter-ego, giver "her" a feminine name, and refer to their alter-ego like "she" is a real person. They get into self humiliation. They try to dress in things that are so sissy feminine, that no self-respectful female would ever wear them. Wives of cross-dressers often complain that their husbands love their cross-dressing more than them.. They feel like their husband's second love. Is that where your life is going?

    Here is a little experiment you can do to prove that its just neurotransmitters and nothing more. Go ahead and feminize yourself. Give it your best shot... How do you feel? You feel excited, stimulated, great pleasure.. okay. Now masturbate... Yes, in your feminine clothes. After that, ask yourself the same questions. How do you feel? Not happy? Disgusted? You don't feel right in the feminine clothes? What has changed? When you masturbate you brain releases a sudden rush of neurotransmitters. In fact, you have a short (a few minutes) depletion of neurotransmitters. For a short time your brain is acting like a "normal" person.

    So what can you do to limit your cross-dressing? Just limit yourself to a couple articles of clothing, and don't wear them very often. See yourself as a man. Admit that you don't look good as a girl. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you are happy being a man. Understand that women have a need to be held, loved and protected by a man. Understand that you are that man.. you are a hero.

  3. I also want to be clear that I don't believe it was *wrong* at all for Samantha to transition. Many AGP's transition and are happy with the results and their lives afterward, like Kendra Blewitt.


  4. @just_chris: that's an interesting take on why many crossdressers dress, and then feel the excitement and dopamine drop off after masturbation. I mean I know it happens, I know why it happens, but I just like that explanation better.

    Often I find myself trying to wear just a few items to give myself a small thrill, but more often than not I find myself adding to the wardrobe more and more until I'm feminized enough to feel something, and push myself into masturbation. It's a viscous cycle.

  5. Just Chris,
    Understand that you are that man.. you are a hero."

    But your message is for those who arr real men but just crossdress for sexual kink. But I am sure that's not true of real AGPs and HSTS or feminine gay men. They are not real men and they cannot be that hero without pushing themselves too hard.

  6. That is not exactly how I feel. I consider and associate glam outlook with being feminine and that is the sole reason why I like to be ultra-feminine. Part of my feminine desires are just because I feel my life is going dull and insufficient as an alpha male. My narcissism and not my gender is my issue but my problems show up in many of the same ways as those of trans people. Maybe I am extra freak but that is what happens in human diversity. I am more of a feminine metro-guy than a true transgender. But, I would be happy indeed if I were the latter so that people wouldn't call me a crazy freak.

  7. To Just Chris,

    There is definitely a strong element of sexual gratification to the behavior of both crossdressers and what I have called "crossdreamers" (men who dream about having a woman's body). In this Blanchard and Bailey are correct.

    It is also true that this type of sexuality may "derail" and become obsessive. In this way it is no different from other types of sexual addiction among both men and women.

    Some "normal" men become addicted to porn, leading them to neglect their girl friends and wives in the process.

    There are women that seek frequent, casual, sex, not because it makes them happy, but because it gives them some kind of immediate, emotional, relief (followed by shame and despair). Victims of sexual abuse may end up in that situation.

    So, yes, there may be some kind of self-conditioning taking place where the crossdressing, TG erotica or TG fantasies take over your life.

    But I doubt Valerie is right when she says that this is nothing but a fetish -- you know, in the same way as a kink for feet or nylon stockings are fetishes.

    Crossdressing and transgender fantasies of this kind are outside the border of what most people think of as normal in our culture.

    That means that the threshold for engaging in these kind of fantasies is pretty high, much higher than for a fetish for -- let's say -- nylon stockings. That makes it much harder to explain.

    There are at least two possible scenarios:

    1. Autogynephilia is caused by some kind of psychological trauma.

    2. Autogynephilia is caused by some kind of innate femininity.

    We cannot neglect the first possibility. I have even put up a post describing a possible psychological explanation for my own autogynephilia. But as with all psychological explanations it is hard to make a general theory that fits all the different autogynephiliacs, and God know there is a lot of variation between us.

    The second option makes sense to me. These are men with a different mix of male and female traits. They are gynephilic and cannot identify with feminine gay men. They cannot go to men for sexual gratification, taking the role of women.

    Being with a woman who loves them does help, but there are parts of their inner femininity that is not placated in this way. So their sexual longings and desires seek an outlet through crossdressing or crossdreaming.

    If their feminine side is very strong, the urge to become that woman becomes so intense that they decide to transition. For most autogynephiliacs this does not happen. They manage to find some balance between their roles as men and their desire to be a woman.

    That leaves the question: Can crossdressing and crossdreaming activities strengthen the urge to transition. In other words: May you condition yourself to the point of no return? And if that is the case: Could therapy or self discipline stop that process from escalating?

    Truth to be told: I do not know. It sounds plausible. There is even a small industry out there making self hypnosis tapes that are supposed to help you become more like a woman. That is: Some autogynephiliacs actively and consciously try to feminize their own minds! But for that to happen, there must already be something in their psyche that craves this femininization. What is that?

    Blanchard and Bailey believe it is a target location error. This is the story about heterosexual men having the hots for themselves. That does not ring true with me. It seems to me that there is something innate that causes these urges, and the most obvious explanation is that this is some kind of inner femininity.

    I still believe that the dramatic life choice transitioning entails most likely is based on a genuine gender dysphoria that in many cases justifies such a decision. If there is a target location error, it is the inner woman that misses her target, not the man.

  8. Yes, that rings so true to me indeed, Jack. I am now relidved that what I desire is not out of being freak but rather due to a genuine feminine component I have!!
    Even though I love only female fashion and glam, there still must be something in me that leads me to have that desire??

  9. "This is the story about heterosexual men having the hots for themselves"

    I do think that there do exist heterosexual men under this category as well. But they are not AGPs,degress away from it but find great solace from feminization in some ways- the metrosexuals.
    And sexy_dude, you could just be a metrosexual narcissist.

  10. But even these men might be having a light feminine side too which wants expression through fashion etc, though only upto that level.

  11. Betty,
    I am exactly that category of male who dreams of being feminine for its narcissistic appeal. I don't have any dissociation with my own body,yet, I don't like to be masculine, since it reminds me constantly that I have to be the "pitcher", and I consider it outright demeaning.

  12. @ TG Captioner

    It's a viscous cycle.

    Indeed it is. I was caught up in the cycle of escalating my cross-dressing to *feel something* (i.e. neurotransmitters) for many years with no understanding of what the real driver was. I thought it was my *inner lady* trying to get out.

    Having said that, I think the neurotransmitters which are released when we cross-dress fulfill more than just sexual gratification for us. Recall "Valerie" also mentioned self-identity, pleasure, and well-being in her explanation. I agree with this assessment.

    For example, I like to lay my head on wife's lap in the evening. When I do that, I feel close to her, but I also feel an overwhelming rush of relaxation come over me when I'm laying there and she touches me.

    These feelings are *very close* to the feelings produced by dressing. Sure I get aroused when I dress, but there are deeper feelings at work there too. I've also noticed over time, the relaxing feelings have taken precedence over the sexual.

    I'm convinced my brain is being tricked into thinking I'm in contact with a real woman and releasing the appropriate chemicals to ensure I mate and continue the genetic line. But there's no mate there, just me.

    I don't know if I came into the world with my brain *wired* this way or if it was the result of some *life event*. That remains the subject of debate. What I am convinced of is that I have a *need* which can be potentially disruptive if not managed.

  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

  14. The oxytocin phenomenon really is not an ultimate explanation in itself for AGP as Jack says. It might be true for some crossdressers who do all that for sexual kinks. But what has really that got to do with AGP, especially ones having behavioral AGP or anatomical AGP? I don't at all think while fantasizing some enfemme role, I feel more relaxed. It only makes me more excited than when I don't fantasize.
    Before AGP, I never had any such depression in my life so as to seek solace this way. I was just quite feminine and unmanly in a lot of ways....

  15. To Just Chris,

    The chemical that is released when you rest in your wife's lap is oxytocin, a hormone that is active in bonding between mammals.

    When you scratch a cat to the point of it purring, you help it by releasing oxytocin. The cat stimulates the production of oxytocin in you.

    Oxytocin also stimulates the nipples for breastfeeding in women, strengthening the bond between the mother and the child.

    Some research indicate that oxytocin levels are notably increased around the time of self stimulated orgasm. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin)

    "Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around a mate." (Wikipedia)

    So here is a possible, but speculative, theory:

    1. AGPs have for some reason (harassment, low self confidence etc) caused high levels of anxiety.

    2. Once in the early days of their lives they have associated closeness to a woman (mother, sister, aunt, nanny) with safety and stress relief.

    3. In some way or the other this association is carried over in cross dressing. You comfort yourself in the way you were once comforted.

    4. However, there has to be two for social oxytocin to be released (another human being or mammal. You can release it through masturbation, though, so you add a sexual dimension to the crossdressing.

    5. Masturbation leads to orgasm, orgams leads to oxytocin, and oxytocin leads to the much coveted feeling of calm, which is associated with closeness.

    The interesting part of this theory for me is the fact that the longing for closeness and bonding is the primary driver. The sexual urge for procreation is secondary at best.

    This reminds me of the tale I have told about our close relative the bonobo. They use sex for stress reduction and social bonding.

    There are some big holes in this theory, though:

    1. Why did you select this way of achieving an "oxytocin trip"? Most men don't.

    2. Your wife is apparently a great "groomer" (to use the bonobo/chimp parallel). Why isn't that enough?

    I do recognize myself in parts of your description, although in my case the "aftermath" is also signified by some kind of calm melancholy.

  16. @just chris: procreation does seem to hold a 2nd place, perhaps 3rd? I've come to the conclusion I don't want to have kids (especially since I'm confused, and don't know where my life is going to take me). I've heard too many horror stories of husbands transitioning later in life, and losing their families..

    Also about the relaxation.. I don't think it relaxes you in the sense (I'm calm), I always get excited being dressed "Ooh, I feel womanly". I think the part that is relaxing is that if I'm stressed, sometimes imagining I'm someone else (changing genders is a great way to do that), it eases that stress away.

    More and more I'm trying to dress casually (hair, earrings, boobs), but no makeup, no dress, no heels. I guess I'm trying to reprogram my brain so it's not just about sexual release, but really embracing feminine feelings, and using it to just make myself feel good, not horny.

  17. @ tg_captioner

    More and more I'm trying to dress casually (hair, earrings, boobs), but no makeup, no dress, no heels.

    I am doing something similar with my approach. I have purchased a couple of pairs of yoga workout pants and some long sleeved tops:

    Cotton/Spandex Yoga Pants

    Womens Long-Sleeve Crew Jersey T-Shirt

    I am not shaving my body or donning boob prostheses, but I am wearing makeup and a wig...

    Like you, I am hoping to truly embrace my female side by taking the sex and eroticism out of it by wearing androgynous outfits and doing mundane activities.

    I've not actually done this yet, but I am curious to see how I feel when I do.

  18. It is nice to look for colorful *normal* clothes for a change. For 15 years, I wore nothing but black fetish outfits when I got dressed.

    Oh in addition to the jerseys and pants I ordered. I also got this:


    It is a "Teez-Her Skinny Tank" -- basically a tank top with a girdle built into it ;)

  19. Samantha Zero is an appealing, intelligent, erudite computer game developer who is fascinated with exploring a woman’s psyche and taking it on, wanting others to play too- don’t call me he!- playing the ultimate role play game, Becoming a Woman.

    She-he, had me fooled. The illusion is almost perfect-a very good masquerade, a wilful, developing delusion. One can see the power of the voice in carrying the persona. We whisper 'Maybe I could do it too and be beautiful and admired'- IS this the answer to my feelings of being a zero- an undefined identity? 'Am I really a woman then?' (What does Samantha ZERO mean?) The fact is even those who do ‘pass’ are only imitation women, unpaid actors. I don't say you are not free to do it, but is it really what you need? Should I then doubt the existence and testimony of my own body? Let’s not delude ourselves guys-the reality is that gender is decided before birth, not by ourselves, or our surgeons. If a man can become a woman by HRT, FFS and GRS, and voice lessons, he can also, when tired of the BS roleplay, change back to the role of a man, as some of them have testified, having lost some important bits on the way that could be useful later (search Alan Finch or Walt Heyer). A surgeon does not have the power of changing a man into a woman, male flesh into female, it has merely been rearranged. Your body is not merely a sheath for your soul, it is also your self. The problem is not your body. You are not God. You cannot speak a woman into existence, even though you speak like one. You can only be the mere facade of a woman. You cannot be a woman by putting her on as a person may put on clothes. Your body is not at fault.

    If you want to play the game and have your fun- fine, go ahead, but if you are looking for answers in identity, this is not it! You are trying to find who you are, some thing your parents should have given you. Maybe you weren’t embraced, loved and affirmed, but left alone, ignored. You seek to find this in the love of women, with their gentleness, emotion and tenderness, and the physical contact they have together. Boys’ company seems harsh, pointless, shallow and incomprehensible. You weren’t admired, but women were. You were not beautiful, but women are. You want to join in and become a part of their shared friendship and gender, but you can’t, because you are an unwanted, untrusted ugly troll of a male, your imposition into their world would bring the accusation of your implied sexual desires and so it is you must transform yourself into their image. You must turn into a princess! You must lose your genitals! Your father may have impregnated your mother, but his affection was vacant or he was absent, so you are incomplete, you do not know what it means to be a man, or receive his stamp on your psyche and don't know where to find your completion. You feel rejected by the world of males which is incomprehensible, brutal, ugly and alien to you- and you do not meet it with the same apparent masculinity. Your peers notice this and they do not want to be like you, because they know who they are, and so they try to make you into their image. They prod and tease you, and goad you into fights, and it feels like hatred, but it is in fact their love for you. You belong to the world of men, and this is their invitation for you to join them.
    Becoming a ‘woman’ is another game, but much more compelling, altering our physical world, messing with our chemistry, involving our family. It is a delusional femme-opiate wet dream game. This hope of girldom may carry you in a hormonal cloud through the pearly gates of surgery into Barbie heaven with no coming back. What will happen when you are bored with this game then? What a crock! This is not reality! We only have one life, let's not stuff it up.

  20. To Anonymous,
    You are surely very insecure with some issues of your own. But that does not give you any right to comment on problems of other people.
    Transgenders transition because of what they are. MTF are female in male body and FTM male in female body, simple.
    You simply take into account issues of masculinity and femininity here. Samantha is not too feminine, she is more of the masculine woman but still she is woman.
    Transgenders feel this gender mismatch from inside ever since a young age, and no amount of masculine overdose can compensate that, because its gender identity.
    You are totally uncouth and uneducated, and seem to identify a person based only on his body. Body is a product of XX/XY chromosomes, real gender lies in the brain. get over it.

  21. You say no surgeon has the right to assign gender. But when did you ever see a surgeon assigning gender? It is the individual who feels what gender he is from inside and accordingly goes to a surgeon to get the right body.

  22. Also another thing. The game you speak of is something maybe you are contemplating for yourself. But dont think genuine TS people out there are into it.
    i was loved, affirmed and respected by all as a boy.But that was simply not me as I knew I was a girl from inside. Being a girl is not of playing games or of beauty. I dont have any intention to be admired by men. I am lesbian.
    People around me were so accepting that they even did not mind my transitioning as they were more educated and understood my problem.
    I guess people in the Scandinavian nations are more educated and tolerant about these things than US counterparts.

  23. Dear Sultana and other potential offended readers,
    I sincerely meant no offense by my comments. I think you misunderstand what I said. I thought this was a forum for discussion. I thought I had some good points. My apologies. Consider me suitably chastised. Believe me, I sincerely admire and respect the courage of folk like Samantha Zero, and yourself to live the life of your convictions. I think Sam is wonderful too! If a person is going to change their life in this way, it must be because they sincerely believe they are not men, which is something I and many others would consider empirically and objectively impossible. If you can really believe you are a woman by GRS, or by some internal spirituality, you better make sure you are right, because if you do, you will more likely follow your path down the road of GRS, and if you don’t, you will soon stop thinking of going down there and find answers somewhere else, and you might save yourself a lot of pain.
    If my comments have no place here, perhaps the moderator may remove them, and I will no longer darken your door with my uncouth, uneducated opinions.

  24. Dear Anonymous,

    You are welcome to make your arguments here at Crossdreamers!

    This is a place where you have the right to come up with controversial arguments. I do so all the time. And I have had some of the most fruitful discussions with people I disagree with.

    Crossdreamers is not a congregation for believers in the true faith (whatever that is), but a forum for exploration.

    Although I agree with Sultana on this one, your arguments are interesting and deserves a good discussion. But I believe they refer as much to our use of language as an objective phenomenon out there in the natural world.

    They remind me a bit of the argument Michael Bailey, one of the proponents of the autogynephilia theory. has made. He says that believing that you are a woman does not make you one.

    But his problem is that he is so caught up in biological classification schemes (a man is human being with an Y chromosome, regardless of how s/he looks, feels or behave) that he fails to see that identity is more than what you have between your legs.

    Actually, some of the research presented at this blog points in the direction of gender identity being caused by structures in the brain. Structures that become male, female or something in between as early as in the womb. If that is the case, a female gender identity in a biological male is natural, even if uncommon.

    The pioneer in transgender studies, Harry Benjamin, put it this way back in 1966:

    'From all that has been said, it seems evident that the question "Is the [male to female] transsexual homosexual?" must be answered "yes" and " no." "Yes," if his anatomy is considered; "no" if his psyche is given preference.

    'What would be the situation after corrective surgery has been performed and the sex anatomy now resembles that of a woman? Is the "new woman" still a homosexual man?

    '"Yes," if pedantry and technicalities prevail. "No"
    if reason and common sense are applied and if the respective patient is treated as an individual and not as a rubber stamp.

    'Again the thought clearly emerges that what we call "sex" is of a very dubious nature and has no accurate scientific meaning. Between "male" and "female," "sex" is a continuum with many "in betweens".'

    From The Transsexual Phenomenon

  25. To Anonymous,
    "If a person is going to change their life in this way, it must be because they sincerely believe they are not men, which is something I and many others would consider empirically and objectively impossible."

    If you could replace the word "objective" with "subjective", you sound accurate. You might think that your views are objective, but I being one who has experienced it, have to assert I know more. And to me, your earlier views were worse than a subjective blatter.
    I once again repeat our condition is not of a mental delusion strictly. It is as much physical as any intersex condition. The intersex individuals commonly spoken of have physical or anatomical intersex conditions, (where they have mixed chromosomal traits making their physical organs kind of mixed).
    Transsexualism is intersex of the brain. It is physical too but does not bear an external manifestation.My brain simply does not accept a male body though it is normal for a male body. My brain simply needs a female body though I was not born with one. I need it not to be some showpiece, the misconception you people have been having for years despite strongest asertions to the contrary. Of course, you have a valid reason to do that. Our very culture has taught us to appreciate reality of things in physical forms. So if the body is male, the person has to be male, or else the person is freak.
    But you see, transsexualism is of the brain, and the one and only one who can understand how I feel is I myself. The brain (and not the body) being the cause of this bizaarre condition does not mean you undermine its importance by calling it a case of mental disorder, since that implies people like us can be cured through mental therapy. History has always shown this to be false.

    I find it surprising that our culture is the most undeucated and non-accepting in history ever. We have had gays,lesbians, transgenders and transsexuals in human history since time immemorial and they were given due respect like others and allowed to live their gender-variant lives with full freedom those days. Maybe the rise of religion brought in a strict heterosexual monogamous culture which introduced a sharp gender-binary system, something which has never even existed.

  26. "If you can really believe you are a woman by GRS, or by some internal spirituality, you better make sure you are right, because if you do, you will more likely follow your path down the road of GRS, and if you don’t, you will soon stop thinking of going down there and find answers somewhere else, and you might save yourself a lot of pain. "

    As I said, I am very sure I am right with my identity but because my brain condition cannot have any external manifestation (like that of a physically) intersex individual), I cannot prove my gender in a court of law.
    I do atleast appreciate you call me "sincere", a term I have been denied ever since I came out.
    And do you even know how I spent nearly 30 long years trying to find out what my problem was? I just found I did not identify as male, something was making me feel different, to be with the girls, long before I was first warned for being that way. I did not understand why I should not be allowed to wear some female dresses and treated as a girl. Even the name my parents gave me (Sohail), was something I found odd about. I had to tell my dad I wanted a girl name as early as about 5 years of age. My mind had the self image of a budding girl and when I looked at the mirror dressed as boy, it felt like it was a different person.
    By default I was acting like a female (sitting to pee or finding the thing out there gross, choosing the girl's bathroom)....till one day someone found it and I had to take the "socially appropriate" route.
    But that made me more uncomfortable till one day I decided to put a stop to it and investigate further.
    Dont tell me now that the things I went through are something a timid and shy boy would also feel due to lack of "masculinity" which his parents have not given him. I have seen lots of the shy guys around me, some are even more shy introverts than I am, dont even play a single sport (which I do). They are not the least feminine however,they would be ready to even die and give up everything in this world rather than their male body even if they were forced to castrate themselves by a therapist for being unmanly.

    That is the strength of gender identity and the self.

    As for those crossdressers out here, I do believe gender identity itself is fluid. Some people might not have a strong gender identity as female like me, but I do underdtand that a partial feminization of the brain is as much possible too. Which means you could have a person who is all girly in mannerisms but is still comfortable identifying as male and being happy in male body (though yes, some effeminate males also think of SRS due to the stress our social gender-binary structure seems to reinforce).
    Neither of us are perverts or sinners, we are just a product of gender diveristy.

  27. To Jack,
    One reason I am here is because I am myself wanting to understand the gender non-binary and fluidity concept.
    Many of the transwomen themselves are strict gender-binary adherents and I think you are well aware of it. In other words, they denigrate crossdressers and feminine males vehemently saying they are perverts.
    I myself believed they were fetishists or "failed guys" till I recently came across a closet drag queen recently. He said he is bisexual, and more like a male lesbian,something I read about in another of your posts.
    He said he felt male but ever since childhood, he had a natural inclination to be girly (crossdress, makeup). He liked girly mannerisms and female aesthetics but at the same time, his own mental vision of himself was still a boy. He was ok in a male body but not with the masculine roles. His family had long abandoned him as also his peers and now he is staying with a gay guy who allows him to live his feminine lifestyle (something unusual in the gay male community).

    I never knew Nature could really be that messed up in reality!!

    Well, still, I must admit that feminine males and crossdressers have really brought a disgrace to us true transsexuals in a lot of ways (most people cant yet distinguish them from us), though I do now believe they also have a genuine gender problem at hand. :)

  28. "But his problem is that he is so caught up in biological classification schemes (a man is human being with an Y chromosome, regardless of how s/he looks, feels or behave) that he fails to see that identity is more than what you have between your legs.

    Yes, this is the exact truth!!
    I have been told several times by people that my wish to change into male is simply a wish to be treated in a better way by others, or be given an upper hand status, something which is chimera as male=/=female.
    I have not been able to convince that I am not wanting to be male for its gender privileges, I have to be comfortable as myself.
    I am exact reverse of what Sam is. Possibly, you can say a female gay (or the term opposite of male lesbian).Society is fine with my wearing male clothing till the time I am still seen as female...and thats exactly what I dont at all identify as. People dont understand it, but only I do.

  29. @Jack Molay
    Thanks for your welcome, open mindedness and fairness. Most refreshing.

    I would rather you not make aspersions about my education levels, nationality (I am not American-not that there is anything wrong with that), and abusive phrases like ‘totally uncouth’ or accusations of being insecure and having issues. I never believed being insecure and having issues had anything to do with my right to state my opinions.

    By all means be hostile to my arguments, but please don’t be hostile to my person. It’s not cool.

  30. @Anonymous,

    I never disrespect you as person, I never do that to anyone. When I call you as "uncouth" or "undeucated" I refer to your lack of education in this particular topic. I respect all people of all possible backgrounds because afterall every person is different. there is no basis of hating anyone for anything.
    I am sorry if I offended you, but I did not wish to offend you as a person....I was indeed being just hostile to your arguments.
    You might keep arguing with me if you wish.

  31. @Sultana
    Apology accepted.
    Have a nice day!

  32. Jack..

    I enjoyed your blog too much to stay away so I am afraid I am back (I was previously known as Gender Questioning).

    I just made too many poor stabs at things and let myself get far too political before and that wasn't fun. I always work at honesty but I need to work harder and perhaps I will restart my blog. I also need to work a little bit more on tolerance and perhaps understanding. We are not all the same nor do we need to be :)

    My situation is weird and unique. My life has been strange and hard. I wish I represented more of the people here than I do but I am almost always in many reguards an outsider looking in and sometimes I stick my foot in my mouth.

    Sultana :) It is nice to have a TS person on here and better yet someone who knows who she is. My life has been a mindfield of confusion, pain, and denials. I know I am opinionated to a fault and over-analytical by half but I hope that you will find me nothing but a friend here.

    I think I started posting here because I wanted people to know that there are other types of gender issues that are not necessarily AGP related out there. And honestly while I don't feel my issues have ever really been focused around AGP, even I can't deny some times where I have questioned myself.

    The thing is that while Jack does a really good job and is a great man, there are so many colors out there in the rainbow and adequately reflecting them is hard. Someone with gender confusion might end up being practically anything from a transsexual to a normal straight male. I envy those who have simple decisions and what seems like simple issues. I am sure that sometimes I present my issues in the same way.

    Personally, I am starting to just suspect that AGP is a natural offshoot of attraction to women. However, why these characteristic becomes so exagerrated in some individuals, I am not sure I will ever understand.

    I really don't need to. I have enough problems with my own gender hell and ensuring that if I decide to live as a female that I am not trading one hell for another. Why does it have to be so hard being a normal male? And why can I never be happy with my birth gender... *sigh*

    Love to all from the lips of an alto sitting bathed in darkness,


    I guess I should technically call myself a very high tenor but I am not feeling charitable towards the male patriarchy tonight ;)

    And for those concerned, I will not be making any trips to certain other blogs and I will be trying to moderate my vindictive manipulative side..

  33. @ Juhi

    It is interesting to see that you as a F2M crossdreamer or "female gay" as you call it is accused of trying to get male privileges. It seems people male up arguments as they go. The same people would probably never accuse an M2F transgendered of trying to get female privileges.

    Still, in a way, that is what they try to do, to get access to the privilege of being what they truly are.

  34. @ Amanda

    It is good to have you back, and your comments are always welcome!

    I am looking for words; I am looking for words; we are all looking for words that can bring us self understanding and some kind of closure. What helps you can help others and visa versa. Keep them coming!

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