February 23, 2012

You know you are a girlfag, when..

J. tipped me about a new blog for girlfags (female to male crossdreamers who are attracted to gay men).


The wonderful title You Know You are a Girlfag When tells us that this is not the place for extensive academic analysis. Instead we are presented with small sayings and aforisms that capture the life of girlfags.

"You know you are a girlfag when your husband thanks your best friend (who is a gay guy) for taking you out guy-watching and 'turning you straight'!

"You know you are a girlfag when you're disappointed a  hot guy hits on you because you had hoped he was gay."

"You know you are a girlfag when you follow loads of blogs that post pictures of guys kissing but sometimes you can hardly face your dashboard because it makes you feel so sad."

Male to female crossdreamers may find the strong focus on male gay relationships confusing, as gay males are not interested in female bodied persons -- even the crossdreaming ones. So why should a girlfag dream about gay men?

And the female to male crossdreamers may find their male bodied sisters confusing, as they sometimes dream of having sex with a man. If they were mirrors of each other, male to female crossdreamers should -- apparently -- only be interested in having lesbian sex. Right?

I think, in fact, the two groups truly mirror each other, and there are simple answers to the two questions.



To the first: The reason girlfags fantasize about gay men is that they dream about being men  or -- at least -- taking the male role in sex. But they are not homosexual as women. That is: They are atrracted to men (androphilic). The only way to have sex with a man as a man, is gay sex.

Moreover, the girlfag wants to be the dominant "masculine" partner, the "top", and since the M2F crossdreamers are not well known, the effeminate gay man becomes the only love object that makes sense, the one that will submit to a girlfag.

(Except, of course, that he won't, as he is attracted to men. This is the girlfag paradox and the girlfag tragedy.)

While girlfags may watch gay male porn and make up stories about men having sex with men, the male to female crossdreamer may fantasize about being a woman dominated by a strong woman. They want to be the receptive "bottom" and not the proactive "top".

As for the second question: Why do many male to female crossdreamers dream about having sex with a man? If they are androphilic, that would make sense, and some M2F crossdreamers are indeed turned on by men.

Still, even the gynephilic (woman-loving) male to female crossdreamers may fantasize about being taken by a man, while F2M crossdreamers seldom dream about sex with a woman. Why?

I think this is a cultural thing. To a certain extent crossdreamer fantasies follow the gender stereotypes.  The underlying dynamic is at least partly determined by a "feminine" or a "masculine" copulation instinct, the same top/bottom dichotomy we find in heterosexual non-transgender relationship and in many (but not all)  homosexual relationships.

In our culture being receptive is to be feminine and submissive (even if we all know that in real life women are just as strong and aggressive). That is, we draw a line from being the bottom when having sex to being meek and timid in other human relationships. The male to female crossdreamer has learned this.

They probably find the idea of putting the female to male crossdreamer in the role as the dominant sex partner unlikely for three reasons:

1. They have never heard about female to male dominant crossdreamers. The idea has never occurred to them.

2. The idea of dominance is subconsciously associated with body size and muscular strength. Women born women also often fantasize about being taken or embraced by strong protective arms. It may be a cultural thing. It may be a natural thing. But the fantasy is very common.

3. The desire for penetration requires a phallus, and most male to female crossdreamers haven't read about the virile women of the Kama Sutra..

By the way, the German researcher Uli Meyer has written som very interesting studies of girlfags and how they adapt Japanese comics and stories when dreaming of taking the male role. I will come back with a presentation of these studies later on, as a comparison between the online cultures of girlfags and male to female crossdreamers will help us better understand both groups.

More blog posts about girlfags.

Discuss crossdreamer and transgender issues!