October 24, 2011

Transgender love

A female to male crossdreamer made a very interesting comment on my "Girlfags and Guydykes Unite!" post.

She says:

'I am just learning about the "girlfag"  [female to male crossdreamers, in this case women who love men] idea and I think I really do identify as one. The idea of gay male sex turns me on, but when I read about the feelings of MtF crossdreamers, that also can actually turn me on. I think what I am attracted to is the mixture of masculine and feminine. I mean the confusion itself is attractive. I read one person's feelings of wanting to be sexually dominated, but also cherished, and I thought, I would love to give that to someone. It would make me feel strong and nurturing the way I want to.'

'... I think that in a better, freer world we would meet each other on a spectrum of sexual desires and not have to label that part of ourselves as different from our biological sex.

'But on the other hand, the presence of cultural gender norms actually adds some spice by creating taboos. Would it be as much fun to play to gender games it if wasn't just a bit "dirty"? I guess we'll never know.'

Note how she breaks down the dichotomy strong (i.e. stereotypical masculine) and nurturing (stereotypical feminine). By using her strong, aggressive, dominant side she could actually please a male to female crossdreamer so much that it would be like nurturing. 

This means that love between a male to female and female to male crossdreamer would actually be like transcending the traditional gender roles, while at the same time reaffirming them.

I am sorry if I sound too philosophically obtruse here, but she has made a very important point: We need the contrasts between feminine and masculine, yin and yang, the moon and the sun, earth and sky in order to make sense of our own multifaceted personalities. These contrasts help us navigate the world and our own feelings.

The problem is that since these contrasts have been fixated into dogmas by culture, we cannot make her leap into the sky and look at these dynamics from above. We are not allowed to. Even if we perfectly well know that men can be nurturing, and that many of the women in our lives have been much stronger than the men, we cannot use that insight to forgive ourselves: i.e. that it is OK for a man to cuddle and for a woman to f**k her sweet guy senseless.

I never seize to be amazed at how much pain our own stupidity causes us. We are not only the prisoners. We are the prison guards.

8 comments:

Deborah Kate said...

In a culture where rebellion, subversion, transgression etc. have become so orthodox, there's still a thrill of illicit transgression in transgender.

Meeting 'girlfags' is a nice idea; let's do it.

But the link on your original post doesn't work.

Rosy-TG said...

But that is not really what transgender is all about. Are you trying to tell me that you feel as if you are trapped in wrong body because you are a man who does not belong to the stereotypes?
If so, you are just a feminine male and not a transgender darling!!

Rosy-TG said...

But that is not really what transgender is all about. Are you trying to tell me that you feel as if you are trapped in wrong body because you are a man who does not belong to the stereotypes?
If so, you are just a feminine male and not a transgender darling!!

Anonymous said...

Jack,

I think that you are fundamentally missing the point.

Its not that men can't be nurturing or women can't be strong -- but that you need the ying and the yang.

So, unless you find a MtF and FtM partnership, the liklihood of sex having a yin and yang is very small.

Additionally, the liklihood of both partners being satisfied is almost zero.

I've been in a relationship with a crossdreamer for an extended period of time now. I wish that the rest of our relationship wasn't as good as it is. It would make it a lot easier to leave.

Jack Molay said...

@Anonymous

"Its not that men can't be nurturing or women can't be strong -- but that you need the ying and the yang."

It seems to me that the tension or charge between yin and yang is important for exciting sex or even an intense romance. Opposites attract.

I am shortly going to publish the story about the charge between the "masculine" girlfag and the "feminine" M2F crossdreamer that clearly illustrates this.

My point is not that the charge between opposites is not important, but our idea that yin and yang can be thought of as two separate compartments is wrong. This example in this post shows that masculine "domination" and "feminine" care may be two sides of the same coin.

That being said, I am not sure all good love relationships are primarily based on differences. Rather they are based on having a common ground and related personality profiles. This might not be equally exciting, but may lead to a more stable life.

Anonymous said...

@jack

I agree that they can be two sides of the same coin. And that a partner can be both dominating and caring. Even at the same time.

And, I also agree that the stability of commonality is a fantastic thing to share with a partner.

But, fundamentally, for sex to work, you need a pitcher and a catcher.

It works that way for gays and lesbians too.

Two catchers doesn't work.

You need the yin and the yang.

Perhaps it can work to bounce it back and forth, trading the yin and yang without regard to gender. But, it means someone still has to play the pitcher.

Which means that, at best, one person is being satisfied. Which, for me, is not emotionally gratifying.

Anne said...
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Anne said...
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