January 18, 2015

Crossdreamers Really Do Love Estrogen

It's been just over three years since I wrote my "Autogynephiliacs Love Estrogen" mini bio, which my friend Jack kindly published on his blog. I was very surprised to hear that many of his readers were very keen on hearing an update to how I am doing today, but here it is.

Illustration by Sergey Nivens

Guest Blog Post by "Moon"

Being taken as a woman

"Hello ladies, can I get you some drinks?".....

"Madame, we have some other items over here"....

"No, no madame. The ladies is over there, this is the gents toilet"....

Being addressed by strangers as a female when you're out shopping or in a café with a friend is rather odd, especially if you are, or think you are presenting as a male.

So why do others sometimes think you're a female? Estrogen. Yes, the hormone you perhaps have always wanted to have running through your system.

For a reason you can't explain you have this desire to feminise yourself. You have had thoughts which have driven you crazy, you somehow know that this is what you want deep inside. You want to be a woman. Yet you do fear the unknown of the rather frightening path that you are taking. But hey, you have just been out to a cafe with a female friend and the waiter has just addressed you as a female.

So you have been taken as a woman, without even opening your mouth, you're dressed as a male but others are seeing something else that you’re not completely aware of. You're not even on a full transition dose of estrogen.

Feeling happier

All you know inside is that you do genuinely feel better about yourself. You feel happier, more in control, able to put your thoughts about being a woman into perspective. The obsessional thoughts are very much reduced and your thought patterns more logical. Estrogen is working for you, it makes you feel much, much better.

Before taking estrogen you were pretty much all over the place. Feeling like a car running on the wrong type of fuel - but now you're having to deal with the side effects of turning into a female. But why not? This is what you have always wanted isn't it?

Since the effects of estrogen have helped you feel more like you, should this feminization automatically follow?


Questioning

Being taken as a female on the odd occasion when out initially scared me, but you do get used to it. I was forced into a situation of really questioning who and what I am, down to the most basic level. So I got scared and stopped taking the estrogen, after all I was 'cured' and felt very good.

I do feel these days that all of us who question our gender are all pretty much the same. I don't understand the transsexual groups who want to put themselves on a higher ground, or be part of some sort of pecking order.

I believe we all deal with this problem the best we can with what we have. Everyone has been dealt a deck of cards at birth and we make the best of what we have to deal with this problem.

I don't believe a trans person who can pass well is any better a woman than someone who can't pass. Who is to say both types are just as genuine on the inside, who am I to judge? There are so many variables to contend with that a gender transition can seem a very frightening and impossible task.

What of those who really feel trapped, for whatever reason, and can't tell another soul how they feel inside or indeed express any form of what they really feel inside due to simple fear. Fear really is disabling, it can rule your whole life. So is it any wonder that for some the only outlet is via a sexually associated fantasy, the only time the brain is allowed its own safe outlet to a forbidden expression?

Getting off estrogen

Estrogen does change your sexual needs and your crossdreaming just becomes part of your own life. Everything does settle into place.

So why did I come off estrogen when I enjoyed the effects so much?

1. The realisation of the ageing process, not believing I could present as the type of female that I dream of being.

2. The realisation of having to come out to family and loved ones. The shear fear, shame and embarrassment was overwhelming. Even though my parents know about me they are now very elderly and have several of their own worries about their health. I would not want to add to their worries.

3. The voice in my head telling me to be safe and return the the normally of the known rather than the unknown.

I was off low dose estrogen for about a year. Gradually the facial feminisation effects seemed to disappear. I was OK in myself feeling finally settled.

After about 6 months the crossdreaming began to return with a vengeance. It was always there, running in the background, but it was manageable under estrogen. The obsessional crossdreaming thoughts simply became too much again. It became difficult to concentrate on anything else in life, I was all consumed.

Back on Estrogen

So I started taking E again. I wanted to see and and have others see the female within again.

I have calmed down again, being on E, and am enjoying all of the effects once more. I’ve yet to be referred to as a female again but I guess this will come again in time.

Each time I start again I am pushed that little bit closer down the transition road, or at least I think I am. One such example is a strong desire to present myself as a female whilst out and about. This has always been the number one fantasy but due to taking E it seems more of a normal thing to want to do. There is no shame attached to this desire. I feel my sexuality has become more independent and does not necessarily have to be a part of cross dreaming.  On the subject of shame, E has managed to erase all of the shameful thoughts I have always had regarding my cross dreaming.

This time around on E there is a sense that the feelings of well being, or what I would call the euphoria, are not as strong as previously. The well being feelings are definitely there and they are keeping me sane but not as strong as I have known before.
Photo: Ihar Kaskevich
This time around it also took about a month for me to start to feel better. Previous experiences have resulted in me feeling good within two to three days. I am on the same dose and brand I have been on last time.

Desensitised?

I have read several stories regarding trans people who just want the relief of a low dose and then eventually go to the full dose and then finally fully transition.

When I started the estrogen treatment I used Estraderm TTS25 patches for several months. The effects of such a low dose really helped and within a couple of days of starting I felt happier. After about six moths or so I upped the dose to Estraderm TTS50 as I began to feel the hormones were not doing enough for me. (I currently use Estraderm MX50 as the TTS patches were discontinued for commercial reasons in the UK.)

The thought has occurred to me that I have been desensitised, or that I have built up a tolerance to the dose of E I have always used. I am starting to see the light physical changes again in my face and body. As I said, the euphoria is not a strong, but the bodily changes are happening. Maybe this was why I initially upped from 25 to 50 patches? So there is a great temptation to up the dose to regain the euphoria which will in turn escalate the noticeable physical effects.

I have also read that E is addictive, psychologically so at the least, and I feel that this is true. Just as a person who takes illegal drugs want to maintain the high and so up the dose?

From crossdresser to transsexual?

I remember talking to a transsexual once at a party who started off as a regular crossdresser who wanted relief from the gender dysphoria and so started a low dose of estrogen. I remember at the time this person started a variety of threads on trans forums asking for feedback on her idea of 'low dose hormones without transition'.

A year later she had doubled her dose to a full transition dose. It was at this point that I saw her at the party and learnt of the increase in estrogen. She told me that since taking E she felt great and since upping the dose she now feels incredible. At the time I personally thought this 'high' she was recounting was from other means, like substance abuse, but I believe now she was telling me the truth.

Had the euphoria begun to wear off on her low dose and she wanted to maintain the high that E can give? (The person I have described is now post op) So what happens when you are on the max dose and the euphoria wears off, is that when you jump to SRS?

Sorry, these thoughts are simply my own personal thoughts and ideas.

Taking away the shame

Every now and then I do feel that I may be actually making things worse for myself by taking E. For example before I ever took E the shame attached was so great that I was able to put away my cross dreaming thoughts and pretend that they didn't exist, even though they were always nagging me.

E has taken away the shame and does seem to be pushing me further along to what would eventually be a transition, but at the same time I do so want that, or at least I want to 'experience' the whole transition. E enables you to touch your inner woman and also express that side of yourself better without the sexual desire attached. It enables others to see the inner woman, even though you may feel you're presenting as male.

Physical traits

I do have problems with knowing what is imagined or fantasy with regards to the hormone effects. When I see myself naked I see female physical traits to my body shape and I have small breasts. It took me a while to actually realise that these physical changes are actually real and not imagined by myself.

So how do I feel about my body? I seem to enjoy looking at my body and feel pleased with the effects. My skin is far more sensitive and I have a better shape. I measured myself with a tape measure. 39" hips, 33" waist 39" across the chest nipple area. My breasts are small and very noticeable to me, but I seem to be able to hide them ok. Every now and then when I meet a new person I notice they often look at my chest, so something is noticeable to them.

My hair on top is not as thin as it was and is longer than it has ever been in the past. I have a very usable pony tail when I tie it up, and my face looks a bit younger.

All of this I feel good about. Although when I catch a glance at myself and see my male face I often still feel sad.  So generally I don't have a problem, but my worries are of how I come across to others. I worry greatly about what others think.

I publish photos of myself presenting as a female on the net and I’m very flattered by the feedback I get. People online often say how feminine I look and how I should have been born female. This is lovely to hear but I don’t take it on board and tend to reject the comments.

I have been experimenting with my presentation in public. I have always desired a more androgynous look. I got myself a woman’s winter coat which is quite girly as it's golden in colour and has a fur lined parker look to it. In the UK this is very much a female look, although the parker type jacket is just being worn by guys again. Anyway if I wear this coat with my hair down I get less 'odd' looks, if I tie my hair back in a pony tail I do get questioning looks.

I always wear women’s jeans now and have done for about two years now. I have a close female friend who knows about me and she doesn't seem to mind having a day out with me in a more androgynous state. To her there is nothing wrong what so ever with crossdessing. When I was last out with her I said 'I'm not too girly dressed, am I?". She responded with a big smile, almost laughing and said "But you want to be more girly?"

Future unknown

The future is very much unknown. It does seem that E allows me to have better management over my soul. The main reason I wanted to take E in the first place was to feel better about myself and take off the nasty obsessional edge to the cross dreaming. All of the other effects were very much secondary, perhaps with the belief that I would not get any physical changes.

I go to a trans friendly hairdresser every few moths to get an androgynous hair style. When I was last there, the hairdresser said she very much liked my Facebook photos of myself. I had given myself away by 'liking' her salon Facebook page the day before visiting, she traced the like back to me and recognised me. She said how she suspected that I was trans anyway, as I was always asking for an in-between hair style. So she cut my hair in a very feminine bob style, which I loved.

So I was there again the other day, and I was given a lovely bobbed hairstyle and was also encouraged to try a new long style -- i'll go one step at a time. For the last five months I have been taking hair vitamins and using Regaine hair restorer. My hairdresser had noticed that my hair was thicker on top and less transparent. I guess this is a combination of the vitamins, Regaine and estrogen. I'm actually very pleased at this news and I can see it myself as well. So this is another reason to stay on oestrogen.

My thoughts on my situation do change from day to day, depending upon external life stresses etc. Some days I really do question my sanity, even though I feel better as a person because of the estrogen. The feeling of being 'cured' at times makes me want to stop, as I feel I could never actually go through with a transition even though I would still want to.

I think part of this is my own worries of 'what will others think of me?'. I then remind myself how life was without the estrogen. Estrogen allows you to see the wood from the trees which is impossible to do without estrogen. The hormone allows you to feel female, which seems to be a better emotional state for my mind, and of course long term allows you to look female. If I were to become a full time woman I guess I would be OK with some work and effort.

I do get rather confused at times as to what is the best for me long term. I have a far better understanding of myself even though this posting suggests quite a lot of confusion, and I also see gender differently. I realise that I am not really male or female inside but somewhere in-between the two worlds. The one conclusion that always does return at some point is that I am better off on estrogen.

I post this anonymously due to the amount of hatred that my essay may cause amongst the HBS community, who fear people like myself. I'm half tempted to say who I am and not be anonymous, you may already know of me, but then you may only judge me on my female appearance from the photos you may have seen of me.

I welcome all your thoughts.....I'll keep you informed........

Moon


Important notice

Neither Moon nor me are medical doctors. The reflections presented here are not to be considered medical advice. Male to female crossdreamers who would like to experiment with estrogen should contact a health professional first.

Jack

See also: Does the effects of hormones on transgender prove that crossdreaming has a biological component?

28 comments:

dalia benitez said...

Good morning,

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Monica Miller said...

Your guest has pretty much nailed it, at least from my experience. Yes, there have been some downsides to HRT - I'm easily fatigued, mainly. But the upsides are enormous - I am generally happier, more in control in all respects, and I have been pleasantly surprised at just how much it has helped my female presentation, even on a relatively modest dose.

Calie said...

Very interesting post by Moon. I featured it on T-Central.

Calie

Liza said...

YOur life runs parallel to mine....I was on hormones when i was younger as well and stopped and now I want to start them again so desperately to give myself peace...I go out en femme more and more...I have lost considerable weight to get thin but the drawback is I have lost more fat than muscle and even though I am thin I look more masculine which is wrong for how I feel.....I want to be thin and look feminine...I have some of the same issues as you....realistic issues that keep me in check but it is a struggle....I want that inner peace of knowing that I am female as much as I can be.....

joannaS said...

I have never been tempted to take estrogen. For one thing I pass relatively well now and my anxiety is gone about presenting as a female. But I can understand that for many it can be the right solution to dealing with dysphoria. I wonder however if the high you attain from it becomes so addictive that you are driven to transition just to maintain it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting this, it echoes a lot of my own experience. It is nice to know that there are others out there who think alike and have similar experiences, especially when one's own sanity is constantly being quested by those around me and even by myself.

Jo Smith said...

Thanks Moon. I really appreciate you posting this.

I'm at an early stage in my journey of gender discovery having bottled them up as a child. My feelings of dysphoria have grown steadily over the past couple of years to the extent where the need to express a degree of femininity is overwhelming.

I'm not sure I would want to transition, and the possibility of a low dose of HRT as a means of finding some relief is appealing.

Anonymous said...

I've just discovered that I was a crossdreamer very recently. I live in a society which is far more stricter than the one in the States. I'm a physician and have a private clinics and I do know that all what I've read here and there comfort me in the discovery. But I've got children, a wife, patients and really I don't know how to cope with that. I've found a colleague, sexologist, who I hope, will help me to go further on... But I really think it's not easy to even do the first step.
I'm very grateful to all of yours writing out about their situation, it gives me help and comfort.
I thought... I dream... I wonder...

Flexor said...

Reading this post has tempted me to try being on low dose estrogen. Before I had only seen an form of estrogen as something the trans women use to transition. I haven't thought of it as a way to let me inner woman out more, without fully transitioning. I still feel like I want to keep the physical effects to a minimum, so I can still confidently present male to friends and family. As for seeing female qualities in your face, I think if you look hard enough, you'll see them. I am not even on any estrogen and I see female qualities in my own face and chest, when they are shaven. I do think both genders are more androgenous then what people give them credit for, though I can see how some people have a more rigid male face, while others have a softer female face. I hope life continues to go well for you, Moon.

Alex Brady said...

my 2nd appointment to get hormones is in 5 days, but tbh ive felt this way since i decided to go for it. i cant wait.

Nicola J said...

Thankyou so much for posting this! What you wrote is exactly how I feel. I love to look and feel feminine and have dreamt about being female since my early years (including a very similar sexual aspect as yours) and decided to try a low dose of hormones 3-4 years ago. They were a revalation and helped me feel so much better in myself, I was happy with how I felt and increasingly with how I looked for the first time in my life. I still presented as male over half the time and was taken as female a lot which I found surprising as I was making no effort at all to appear female, even to the point I started a new job and have since learned almost everybody there thought I was "the new girl"! I got scared not long after that too and stopped taking them after nearly two years but I miss how I felt so much now, the lack of clarity in thought, not seeing that more feminine face and small breasts I had developed. I want to start again more than anything but am very restricted on finances right now and not sure what to do. Your post has really helped to give some clarity on how I feel so thankyou. I hope we see more updates from you and I wish you every happiness in your journey.
Nicola x

Jack Molay said...

Thank you for your kind words, Nicola,

Could you say something about what it was that scared you?

Forestier said...

Jack, you wrote: "My breasts are small and very noticeable to me, but I seem to be able to hide them ok. Every now and then when I meet a new person I notice they often look at my chest, so something is noticeable to them."

What do you do in places like beaches?

Jack Molay said...

Well, actually this is a guest blog post written by Moon, so I will ask her.

I have heard about others facing this problem, and it seems the main tactic is wearing loose t-shirts or shirts. Others do not care, arguing that "man boobs" are quite common among non-transgender men as well.

Jack Molay said...

Here is what Moon says to me:

"I have never been comfortable with my top off for a number of self conscious reasons since young. I can't swim anyway and sun tanning holidays where you sit on the beech all day don't interest me, so I stay away."

So I guess we can say that this will be more of a problem for some than others.

Forestier said...

Any other experience about growing little breasts while still passing as a male?

Anonymous said...

Some crossdreamers try out the herb Pueraria Mirifica in order to develop breast. Some of them are planning to transition. Others do not.

I have found some useful information in these forums:

http://www.ainterolherbs.com/forums/Forum-Pueraria-Mirifica-Before-and-After-Results-Pictures-Encouraged

http://www.breastnexus.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=2

It seems to me that most of the ones that are not transitioning are able to hide their breasts or they do not care.

Sam

Forestiier said...

Anonymous wrote: “It seems to me...”
No firsthand experience to share?

Anonymous said...

@Forestier

I have tried PM, and it does have an effect. I feel less "edgy" (for lack of a better word), calmer when taking these pills. And yes, they have also made my body softer, and I even grown new curves on my chest, but my "breasts" are not so big that they are hard to hide.

But I am not much of the beach kind of guy, anyway, so that does not bother me much.

I have stopped taking the pills now, as I fear irreversibly changes to my body. These pills are much more potent than most people tend to believe.

Sam

Forestier said...

What about your libido, Sam?

Anonymous said...

The libido was reduced somewhat, yes, but it did not disappear. You could say that my crossdreaming became somewhat less obsessive, and that felt good, to tell you the truth.

But I did not combine the PM with anti-androgens. Some add saw palmetto to the mix, which may reduce the testosterone levels even more.

Sam

Forestier said...

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Jack...I'm not a member yet but I thought the girls might enjoy this link...

http://thestir.cafemom.com/healthy_living/189285/what_the_perfect_female_body?utm_medium=sem2&utm_source=taboola-pvs&utm_content=performmediagroup-sportingnewscom

micha

Anonymous said...

I wanted to say that I've been craving estrogen for quite some time although I don't have a doctor at this point. I want to feminize my body and have recently started taking saw palmetto and fenugreek along with a phyto estrogen cream that I apply to my chest, neck, arms ect. I'll let you all know if and when I see any results.

micha

Jack Molay said...

@Anonymous girl of the world...

Thank you for this one! I sometimes try to tell insecure girls, that no, they do not have to look like an anorectic photo model to be fancied by men (or women), nor do they have to look like a big breasted porn star. The fact is that even inside a country the preferences are all over the map. To quote L.A. Story: "There is someone for everyone, even in L.A. "

It seems to be the Columbians have a healthy attitude to a decent body mass index ;)

And please join us over at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com !

@Anonymous #2

Please let us know what about your experience. Friends tell me that fenugreek is pretty weak, and that PM gives greater effect.

See this discussion over at CDL.

Anonymous said...

Been reading on this a ton. My experience is similar to the anonymous poster on this article http://www.crossdreamers.com/2011/12/autogynephiliacs-love-estrogen.html
Who posted on January 16, 2012 at 12:34 PM. In fact its almost uncanny how similar we are. I myself seek a cure. I am scared that transitioning is too permanent for me and that identifying as female in public would be embarrassing. I was blessed with very loving parents who support me with whatever I do but I still think I could not deal with coming out to them. The only person who knows about my situation is my best friend and he is supportive of me as well. I have been hearing about hormones a lot now and am considering trying them to get that calming effect people keep talking about but I like myself as a male. I am attracted to women as well. Im worried that taking hormones even at a low dose could cause problems like chest growth that could be noticeable and I dont want that. So Im open to suggestions. And I am grateful that this community exists and the level of respect it displays.

Olan Mills said...

When I read this it is a story that I can relate to 100% and just recently thought about taking estrogen, but where does someone get estrogen, please help because I really need help, Thanks, John

Jack Molay said...

There are two legal sources:

1. Go to your doctor and tell it as it is. She will probably be able to prescribe the relevant hormones herself, unless your local regulations require a specialist. In that case, you will have to see a specialist. How they will react to all of this, depends on where you live and whom you meet. If you suffer from gender dysphoria this should not be too difficult in more "modern" countries.

2. Some crossdreamers swear to over the counter herbs. Most of them are far too week to make any significant or visible difference, but my friends have convinced me that a herb like pueararia mirifica is a powerful estrogen mimicker, which may have a strong feminization effect. You can buy PM online. You should still ask a medical professional for help. Herbs may have side effects too.

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