January 18, 2015

Crossdreamers Really Do Love Estrogen

It's been just over three years since I wrote my "Autogynephiliacs Love Estrogen" mini bio, which my friend Jack kindly published on his blog. I was very surprised to hear that many of his readers were very keen on hearing an update to how I am doing today, but here it is.

Illustration by Sergey Nivens

Guest Blog Post by "Moon"

Being taken as a woman

"Hello ladies, can I get you some drinks?".....

"Madame, we have some other items over here"....

"No, no madame. The ladies is over there, this is the gents toilet"....

Being addressed by strangers as a female when you're out shopping or in a café with a friend is rather odd, especially if you are, or think you are presenting as a male.

So why do others sometimes think you're a female? Estrogen. Yes, the hormone you perhaps have always wanted to have running through your system.

For a reason you can't explain you have this desire to feminise yourself. You have had thoughts which have driven you crazy, you somehow know that this is what you want deep inside. You want to be a woman. Yet you do fear the unknown of the rather frightening path that you are taking. But hey, you have just been out to a cafe with a female friend and the waiter has just addressed you as a female.

So you have been taken as a woman, without even opening your mouth, you're dressed as a male but others are seeing something else that you’re not completely aware of. You're not even on a full transition dose of estrogen.

Feeling happier

All you know inside is that you do genuinely feel better about yourself. You feel happier, more in control, able to put your thoughts about being a woman into perspective. The obsessional thoughts are very much reduced and your thought patterns more logical. Estrogen is working for you, it makes you feel much, much better.

Before taking estrogen you were pretty much all over the place. Feeling like a car running on the wrong type of fuel - but now you're having to deal with the side effects of turning into a female. But why not? This is what you have always wanted isn't it?

Since the effects of estrogen have helped you feel more like you, should this feminization automatically follow?


Questioning

Being taken as a female on the odd occasion when out initially scared me, but you do get used to it. I was forced into a situation of really questioning who and what I am, down to the most basic level. So I got scared and stopped taking the estrogen, after all I was 'cured' and felt very good.

I do feel these days that all of us who question our gender are all pretty much the same. I don't understand the transsexual groups who want to put themselves on a higher ground, or be part of some sort of pecking order.

I believe we all deal with this problem the best we can with what we have. Everyone has been dealt a deck of cards at birth and we make the best of what we have to deal with this problem.

I don't believe a trans person who can pass well is any better a woman than someone who can't pass. Who is to say both types are just as genuine on the inside, who am I to judge? There are so many variables to contend with that a gender transition can seem a very frightening and impossible task.

What of those who really feel trapped, for whatever reason, and can't tell another soul how they feel inside or indeed express any form of what they really feel inside due to simple fear. Fear really is disabling, it can rule your whole life. So is it any wonder that for some the only outlet is via a sexually associated fantasy, the only time the brain is allowed its own safe outlet to a forbidden expression?

Getting off estrogen

Estrogen does change your sexual needs and your crossdreaming just becomes part of your own life. Everything does settle into place.

So why did I come off estrogen when I enjoyed the effects so much?

1. The realisation of the ageing process, not believing I could present as the type of female that I dream of being.

2. The realisation of having to come out to family and loved ones. The shear fear, shame and embarrassment was overwhelming. Even though my parents know about me they are now very elderly and have several of their own worries about their health. I would not want to add to their worries.

3. The voice in my head telling me to be safe and return the the normally of the known rather than the unknown.

I was off low dose estrogen for about a year. Gradually the facial feminisation effects seemed to disappear. I was OK in myself feeling finally settled.

After about 6 months the crossdreaming began to return with a vengeance. It was always there, running in the background, but it was manageable under estrogen. The obsessional crossdreaming thoughts simply became too much again. It became difficult to concentrate on anything else in life, I was all consumed.

Back on Estrogen

So I started taking E again. I wanted to see and and have others see the female within again.

I have calmed down again, being on E, and am enjoying all of the effects once more. I’ve yet to be referred to as a female again but I guess this will come again in time.

Each time I start again I am pushed that little bit closer down the transition road, or at least I think I am. One such example is a strong desire to present myself as a female whilst out and about. This has always been the number one fantasy but due to taking E it seems more of a normal thing to want to do. There is no shame attached to this desire. I feel my sexuality has become more independent and does not necessarily have to be a part of cross dreaming.  On the subject of shame, E has managed to erase all of the shameful thoughts I have always had regarding my cross dreaming.

This time around on E there is a sense that the feelings of well being, or what I would call the euphoria, are not as strong as previously. The well being feelings are definitely there and they are keeping me sane but not as strong as I have known before.
Photo: Ihar Kaskevich
This time around it also took about a month for me to start to feel better. Previous experiences have resulted in me feeling good within two to three days. I am on the same dose and brand I have been on last time.

Desensitised?

I have read several stories regarding trans people who just want the relief of a low dose and then eventually go to the full dose and then finally fully transition.

When I started the estrogen treatment I used Estraderm TTS25 patches for several months. The effects of such a low dose really helped and within a couple of days of starting I felt happier. After about six moths or so I upped the dose to Estraderm TTS50 as I began to feel the hormones were not doing enough for me. (I currently use Estraderm MX50 as the TTS patches were discontinued for commercial reasons in the UK.)

The thought has occurred to me that I have been desensitised, or that I have built up a tolerance to the dose of E I have always used. I am starting to see the light physical changes again in my face and body. As I said, the euphoria is not a strong, but the bodily changes are happening. Maybe this was why I initially upped from 25 to 50 patches? So there is a great temptation to up the dose to regain the euphoria which will in turn escalate the noticeable physical effects.

I have also read that E is addictive, psychologically so at the least, and I feel that this is true. Just as a person who takes illegal drugs want to maintain the high and so up the dose?

From crossdresser to transsexual?

I remember talking to a transsexual once at a party who started off as a regular crossdresser who wanted relief from the gender dysphoria and so started a low dose of estrogen. I remember at the time this person started a variety of threads on trans forums asking for feedback on her idea of 'low dose hormones without transition'.

A year later she had doubled her dose to a full transition dose. It was at this point that I saw her at the party and learnt of the increase in estrogen. She told me that since taking E she felt great and since upping the dose she now feels incredible. At the time I personally thought this 'high' she was recounting was from other means, like substance abuse, but I believe now she was telling me the truth.

Had the euphoria begun to wear off on her low dose and she wanted to maintain the high that E can give? (The person I have described is now post op) So what happens when you are on the max dose and the euphoria wears off, is that when you jump to SRS?

Sorry, these thoughts are simply my own personal thoughts and ideas.

Taking away the shame

Every now and then I do feel that I may be actually making things worse for myself by taking E. For example before I ever took E the shame attached was so great that I was able to put away my cross dreaming thoughts and pretend that they didn't exist, even though they were always nagging me.

E has taken away the shame and does seem to be pushing me further along to what would eventually be a transition, but at the same time I do so want that, or at least I want to 'experience' the whole transition. E enables you to touch your inner woman and also express that side of yourself better without the sexual desire attached. It enables others to see the inner woman, even though you may feel you're presenting as male.

Physical traits

I do have problems with knowing what is imagined or fantasy with regards to the hormone effects. When I see myself naked I see female physical traits to my body shape and I have small breasts. It took me a while to actually realise that these physical changes are actually real and not imagined by myself.

So how do I feel about my body? I seem to enjoy looking at my body and feel pleased with the effects. My skin is far more sensitive and I have a better shape. I measured myself with a tape measure. 39" hips, 33" waist 39" across the chest nipple area. My breasts are small and very noticeable to me, but I seem to be able to hide them ok. Every now and then when I meet a new person I notice they often look at my chest, so something is noticeable to them.

My hair on top is not as thin as it was and is longer than it has ever been in the past. I have a very usable pony tail when I tie it up, and my face looks a bit younger.

All of this I feel good about. Although when I catch a glance at myself and see my male face I often still feel sad.  So generally I don't have a problem, but my worries are of how I come across to others. I worry greatly about what others think.

I publish photos of myself presenting as a female on the net and I’m very flattered by the feedback I get. People online often say how feminine I look and how I should have been born female. This is lovely to hear but I don’t take it on board and tend to reject the comments.

I have been experimenting with my presentation in public. I have always desired a more androgynous look. I got myself a woman’s winter coat which is quite girly as it's golden in colour and has a fur lined parker look to it. In the UK this is very much a female look, although the parker type jacket is just being worn by guys again. Anyway if I wear this coat with my hair down I get less 'odd' looks, if I tie my hair back in a pony tail I do get questioning looks.

I always wear women’s jeans now and have done for about two years now. I have a close female friend who knows about me and she doesn't seem to mind having a day out with me in a more androgynous state. To her there is nothing wrong what so ever with crossdessing. When I was last out with her I said 'I'm not too girly dressed, am I?". She responded with a big smile, almost laughing and said "But you want to be more girly?"

Future unknown

The future is very much unknown. It does seem that E allows me to have better management over my soul. The main reason I wanted to take E in the first place was to feel better about myself and take off the nasty obsessional edge to the cross dreaming. All of the other effects were very much secondary, perhaps with the belief that I would not get any physical changes.

I go to a trans friendly hairdresser every few moths to get an androgynous hair style. When I was last there, the hairdresser said she very much liked my Facebook photos of myself. I had given myself away by 'liking' her salon Facebook page the day before visiting, she traced the like back to me and recognised me. She said how she suspected that I was trans anyway, as I was always asking for an in-between hair style. So she cut my hair in a very feminine bob style, which I loved.

So I was there again the other day, and I was given a lovely bobbed hairstyle and was also encouraged to try a new long style -- i'll go one step at a time. For the last five months I have been taking hair vitamins and using Regaine hair restorer. My hairdresser had noticed that my hair was thicker on top and less transparent. I guess this is a combination of the vitamins, Regaine and estrogen. I'm actually very pleased at this news and I can see it myself as well. So this is another reason to stay on oestrogen.

My thoughts on my situation do change from day to day, depending upon external life stresses etc. Some days I really do question my sanity, even though I feel better as a person because of the estrogen. The feeling of being 'cured' at times makes me want to stop, as I feel I could never actually go through with a transition even though I would still want to.

I think part of this is my own worries of 'what will others think of me?'. I then remind myself how life was without the estrogen. Estrogen allows you to see the wood from the trees which is impossible to do without estrogen. The hormone allows you to feel female, which seems to be a better emotional state for my mind, and of course long term allows you to look female. If I were to become a full time woman I guess I would be OK with some work and effort.

I do get rather confused at times as to what is the best for me long term. I have a far better understanding of myself even though this posting suggests quite a lot of confusion, and I also see gender differently. I realise that I am not really male or female inside but somewhere in-between the two worlds. The one conclusion that always does return at some point is that I am better off on estrogen.

I post this anonymously due to the amount of hatred that my essay may cause amongst the HBS community, who fear people like myself. I'm half tempted to say who I am and not be anonymous, you may already know of me, but then you may only judge me on my female appearance from the photos you may have seen of me.

I welcome all your thoughts.....I'll keep you informed........

Moon


Important notice

Neither Moon nor me are medical doctors. The reflections presented here are not to be considered medical advice. Male to female crossdreamers who would like to experiment with estrogen should contact a health professional first.

Jack

See also: Does the effects of hormones on transgender prove that crossdreaming has a biological component?

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