January 18, 2017

Yes, I'm Barbara

I asked Barbara over at Crossdream Life for permission to republish a version of a blog post she wrote for her own Crossdream Life blog (which is restricted to CDL members). It is a poetic presentation of a psychological breakthrough as regards gender and gender identity. This is not uncommon among transgender people, although the way this takes place may vary a lot. Barbara is a male to female crossdreamer.
Sometimes transgender doubts may be resolved by
a psychological breakthrough. (Illustration: sezer66)

Guest post by Barbara

It started with innocent restless obsession with all the things gender :) Old beliefs about two-spirited people were shaken, new ideas were written on the water, I was consuming page after page of  information in the vain hope of reaching the unreachable.

All this was be accompanied by one single black metal band: Mgła. Their great albums were the only music that I could stand. Excellent melodies, dark atmosphere and nihilistic lyrics; this combination was exactly right. A good dose of nihilism was a good thing; 

If I were to come to some conclusion, it had better not be an artificial construct, not a made-up position. So aggressively questioning everything except feelings was a right thing to do. Day after day tension built, thoughts buzzed in my head like a swarm of locusts.

The main question was: Who am I? Am I two-spirited? Am I female? Or is it all is made up and I just have a fetish (I’m a fetish, how funny)?

Is that true, that female part of me, or is it a defensive construct? What if the male part of me is an artificial construct? (Giggles) It feels like a right thought. What am I wearing? Male clothes? But why? Am I a female to male crossdresser? (more giggles) Ok, I’m not bad at passing as male (Did I say that aloud?) 

Honey, how are you sitting? It is not very feminine! (another giggle) Locusts in my head began to shadow the sun, they were everywhere; their buzzing was always with me.

At the same time I had a strong sense that nothing can go wrong, that there can’t be a negative outcome. No matter what conclusion would be made, it would be the right conclusion. 

I have told some of my thoughts to friends in the Crossdream Life chat room. They have encouraged me to write about this in the forum, and the chat logs served me as a draft to post about my feelings. I can’t thank them enough; in some sense they are my godmothers.
Black Metal band Mgła. Photo:Joanna Osoba 

Shortly after hitting “Post” button all doubts returned for a few seconds, but there was one single thought, that stopped them: it is too late to doubt.

And then IT hit me.

All thoughts stopped, locusts vanished, tension gone. It was like a lightning without a sound or a flash, just a sudden release of all tension from the atmosphere. There was a rain, pure feminine feelings dropping onto me, washing away remnants of old shell.

There was a sunshine after rain, drying a single tear of joy, shining through me, radiant and splendid, so warm, caressing me from the inside.

This lightning have divided my memories in two different parts, before | after. What was before, has become more distant, under a gray veil, except for some high crossdreamig moments. They are still brightly colored.

Thinking of myself as a “male”, “guy”, “masculine” hurts almost physically. I become hardwired into myself :) Every thought about trueself fills me with joyful sunshine of femmeness.

Something else, something wonderful happened. Feeling the phantom body is wonderful. This is a miracle, this is not supposed to happen. It comes and goes without pattern, but I can always bring the right body back. Even if it’s only an illusion, just a feeling.

I still wish to have the right physical body -- that call is there -- but there is no sadness. Not  any longer. There are the precious sensations of the phantom body and a light smile.

Here I am, united with my trueself, showering in lovely feminine feelings. This is enough and not enough for me at the same time, and both sides of that dilemma is good. Smile and sunshine is the most important part.

Discuss crossdreamer and transgender issues!