August 4, 2009

The hidden ring

I am not sure about this, but I do believe my fantasies about being a girl came with puberty.

In this way I do not follow the more "traditional" transgender story, where the man knows himself to be a woman at a very early age.

I remember a cosmetic box. It had been used for hand cream, I believe, and belonged to my mother. It was circular and blue.

It was a large NIVEA box, not the flat one made of metal, but a larger one made of plastic.

In this box I put a ring made of chocolate tinfoil wrappers. I used to fantasize that if I put on the ring, it would turn me into a woman.

From a psychological point of view the symbolism is clear:

The ring and the circular box refers to completeness (the ring never ends) and femininity (the curves and softness of women). The box is the womb, where my unborn self lays dormant.

The box is blue, which symbolizes the sea (the feminine side) and the sky (the masculine side).

There are two possible messages from this fantasy.

One is that I am truly a woman that expects to be born as a woman, into the world as a true transsexual.

The other one is that I am to unite the feminine and masculine sides and accept that I am both, regardless of whether my sexual organs point outwards or inwards.

This is a the most important question for me right now.

Dear fellow autogynephiliacs crossdreamers, can you remember when these feelings awakened in you?


  1. I can remember at a very early age, sitting in my moms closet, looking up at shiny sparkly blouses, looking at her pretty heels, wondering what it felt like to wear these unboring articles. At no point did I go "I think I'm a girl trapped in a boys body", I just thought it would be cool to temporarily become a girl. As much so when boys play sports and temporarily imagine themselves as their sports heros. At age 14 I got access to a pair of panty hose from one of my brothers girlfriends, and it caused ejaculation. From that point (which I believe to be critical in what would permanantly be my sexual fetish) I would forever use this as a tool to start things up, and doing it for so many years has simply wired my brain to be like this. I honestly don't know what it's like to be s normal guy

  2. @rebecca: No, I think there's some sort of genetics, I'm saying there could have been a turning point, but by engaging in what I enjoyed, it has only re-enforced it.

    I also remember my parents telling me they got tested when my mom was pregnant, and they swore I was going to be born a girl, and were surprised when I came out a boy, so something tells me that the decision to switch from girl to boy (which everyone goes through) came very late. This might also have something to do with the way I am.

  3. I was born before ultrasound, but my mom told me that she hoped an prayed for a girl. I'm 12 months younger than my sister and she wanted another girl so we could play together. It makes me wonder if the desires of the mother play a role in the development of the baby...

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  5. My earliest memories are of wanting to be female. When I was 2 or 3, I asked my mom if I could be a girl. She promptly put the fear of god into me saying that he meant for me to be a boy and that it was a sin to want to be different (she didn't tell me about her wanting me to be a girl before I was born until I was a teenager). So, ever since I've kept Linsie under wraps, except for in my imagination. But I still yearn to be female and I imagine (in an almost out of body experience way) that I am female under most circumstances including sex. Also I am married with children.

    And like Jack, I find men ugly, including myself. I find the things men talk about boring. I'd much rather be around women.

  6. I actually started with a more broad "transformation" fetish. I remember being very young (6-8 years old) and being extremely interested, maybe even aroused (if that's even possible at that age), by cartoons and movies involving transformations. I can think of three off the top of my head: a Donald Duck cartoon where he slowly regresses in age due to the fountain of youth, an episode of "Aladdin" Where he and the princess switch bodies, and the movie "The Incredible Shrinking Woman."

    When I hit puberty, I began masturbating to pictures of women. At first, the pornography alone was enough but gradually I began to fantasize about becoming the women. I would also masturbate to thoughts of age regression, shrinking, and other transformations.

    Today, I'm still aroused by those other TF fantasies, but MtF is definitely my main turn-on. I'm happy as a heterosexual man, but at the same time I would probably give anything for one of those fantasies to come true (not so with AR and shrinking). I don't see myself undergoing SRS to make it happen, though, because I perceive that more as genital mutilation than anything else. I often look to science fiction for hope for the future. Things like full-simulation virtual reality, nanotechnology, and the like which would make the transformation almost effortless.

    I think I would be classified as autogynephilic. The beginnings of my fetish may have been different from others, but I definitely fit the definition as someone who is aroused by the thought of oneself as a woman.

  7. The relationship between transformation fantasies in general and M2F sex change dreams in particular definitely deserves further discussion. There are many TG fiction enthusiasts that also enjoys other types of TF stories.

    I also remember that Donald Duck story. It made a deep impression on me. As a kid I was also fascinated by fairy tales where people were changed into someone else. Later on, I remember reading Robert Heinlein's I Will Fear No Evil with great fascination.

    Maybe one factor can be the emotional release (or relief) we get from the idea of being someone or something else.

    In one way we ARE someone else, i.e. there is a huge discrepancy between what we feel inside and the face we show the world. Our fascination with transformation stories may reflect a deep longing for a time when our persona and our true selves are in harmony.

  8. I have had the same type of fantasy at a younger age. But I am not AGP, I am feminine gay man. I used to also sit in my mother's lap and fantasize sometimes myself wearing female attire. I don't know why and how, but the thoughts came automatically. I had no control over that and they just seemed natural to me. I did not even mind that I was a boy dreaming like this- I did not even see any reason why I should mind. I found it natural. Only after puberty did I realize that things are not normal!!
    But I am feminine gay man. From what you say, I think we have some things in common!!

  9. To Jaikishen,

    Yes, I think you are right. The gender identity "dial" is turned in the same direction, while the sexual orientation "switch" is in a different position. That makes sense to me at least.

  10. This transformation fascination in the last comments is also something deep in my childhood. I too have memories from primary school that atest to that - transformation in cartoons and movies were definitely very fascinating. If I dig I've got lots of cartoons/movies that have left an impression - one would be Ridley Scott's Legend(1985) where there is a scene that the heroine is flerting with the dark side (
    At some point (still in primary school) this whole fascination with change, started being expressed mostly through hair and eventually became a haircutting fetish.

    My first crossdreaming memories are from a period (around 15 years old) that I was studying too much (and was too unhappy about). At the time, I hadn't thought of sex, porn, masturbation and wasn't aware of the intense sexual frustration in my body. it took me 5 more years, to realized that I had gone through a very intense puberty, that I was completely unknowingly repressing.

    What do I mean with repression? While in primary school I was flirting with girls, by the time I was 12 I became so shy, that I wouldn't even dare to turn my gaze(literally) towards any girl whether she was addressing me or not. During my last year in highschool, a girl decided to come sit next me (by that time I suppose people were aware of my akward shyness). For the whole year I hadn't dared look at her; eventually she started pestering me in order to get my attention (pinching me, taking my books, speaking to me all the time). And then one day, she broke a pen I had, and I just errupted angrily yelling at her: something in the lines "you are scumm, you are immature, you are worthless blah blah". I was angry. Her response was joyous though: "halleluyah! I can finally see you pay attention to me!"
    I kept this unhealthy shyness until I was 19 years old when I realized I'm no subhuman, and I could look a girl in the eyes without causing permanent damage to her retina :P Since then it's gone, now I can have an eye-to-eye conversation without feeling unconfortable, but shyness is there and difficulties initiating relationships.

    memory 1: But during that period of repression (highschool) I remember me, at my desk, pretending I'm studying. But what I was doing was using my ballpoint pen (more permanent than pencil) to scribe on my scalp underneath my thick hair messages like: "god, turn me into a girl". Other times I'd draw (without seeing) nude female bodies. In my imagination I was permanently burying them in a place that nobody else could see. But the message was remaining hidden there, already expressed.
    I think I got that from some fairytale(?) where somebody knows a heavy burdenous secret, goes to the forst, and speaks it in a tree cavity so he gets it off his chest. Funnily, I think the story goes on saying that later on somebody else made a flute out of the tree, and the flute spoke the secret - so everybody got to know.
    For a long time I thought that if somebody had the chance to see underneath my fluffy/dense hair, he'd know my secret - but I don't remember anymore if there was any hidden desire of having it exposed or not! Much later I realized, that the ball of a ballpoint pen wouldn't roll on the oily scalp, it just won't write ;P

    (part 1)

  11. (part 2)
    During the same period (15-18), I also remember restless nights in bed. And since my bedroom door was always open - I was living in a house where privacy wasn't thought necessary- I was doing my best to do everything without anybody noticing.
    Laying there sleepless, under my quilt - pushing my head against the headboard (and the pillow), trying to re-shape my fluffy hair into a central parting; and then in the dark feeling the new parting with my hands, like I'm feeling a female head. It was a big fascination for many nights.
    At other times (or at the same time) I would pretend I'm sleeping face down on the bed which in turn put pressure on my genitals - and that felt nice! But I never understood it erotically (I never thought about my genitals having any sexual significance until 19 years old).
    memory 2: It was on (at least) one of these sleepless nights that I was motionless in bed trying to avoid exposure that I was playing with this crossdreaming fantasy of being abducted by a UFO, having my body restructured into a perfect female body and then being injected in some other family. I now recall that this was very influenced by the intro cinematic of a video game called "syndicate" (1993) wherein a "soldier" is tied on a machine and stripped of his flesh in order to have an robotic armor fitted. ( In my fantasy, this was the first step of having a female body fitted on me. I remember distinctly that the pain of the imaginary process also gave it more substantiality!

    I remember that phase of my life ending with the conclusion that I simply want a girlfriend, and since I can't have one (due to shyness), I was "replicating" one. Since then, I haven't gone back to crossdreaming though (or have I?) but my hair fetish has grown for sure.
    But now I'm a bit sceptical about any conclusions reached by some 18-year-old-guy who hadn't thought of sex or masturbation during his puberty ;)

    1. Hey! I had this exact same fantasy - being abducted by aliens. Except in my case it was an "explanation" for why I was a girl instead of the boy I thought I should be. Aliens abducted me, cut off my pee-pee, and turned me into a girl. I was then taken back to my family, and now I had to live life as a girl.

  12. You talk about your mother. Mine never liked being a woman. She always told me how lucky I was to be able to go shirtless during hot summer days...

  13. @Change Enthusiast

    I remember a radio play for kids that made a strong impression on me; where some of the protagonists were transformed into statuettes by Asian magic. We have discussed this elsewhere on this blog, you and I, and as I said I think crossdreamers may become fascinated by transformation fantasies of any kind, as the possibility of transformation in itself opens the door to an alternative life.

    In this cas, however, I thin my fascination with the statuettes was that I, myself, in real life had stiffened and become psychologically unmovable, out for fear and shame I guess. So hope was represented by having the spell broken.

    Like you, I was extremely love shy at the age you are describing (but not necessarily equally shy in other contexts). Now I think the shyness was caused that some part of me knew that I was not able to live up to the role of a stereotypical man, given that I was and is a woman on another level.

    Can I ask if you are in a relationship now?

    @Forestier said...
    "You talk about your mother. Mine never liked being a woman."

    But I take it that you like the idea of being one? Do you think your mother's attitude towards her own role played a part in your gender exploration?

  14. «But I take it that you like the idea of being one? Do you think your mother's attitude towards her own role played a part in your gender exploration?»

    Yes, I do, but I don't know if my mom's attitude influenced me one way or another. Some psychologists would say it certainly did...

  15. Fascinating read, thanks for sharing. I cross dreamed with sexual undertones since I was 15 and discovered slash fanfic :D
    As a kid I was always playing pretend that I was a boy, part of a TV show like Thundercats or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When I started growing breasts, I literally went "Oh no, now I can't pretend to be a boy" :(

    I didn't *think* I was a boy, but from teenage years onward I *knew* I wasn't a girl. It took a while for me to accept I was in fact a trans guy :) Though I really like androgynous looks and would prefer to continue looking like a boy :D


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