October 25, 2017

Listen to this podcast about crossdreaming in a relationship

A heads up for a very brave and very interesting podcast from the couple John and Nikki, two podcast publishers who until now have mostly talked about their open relationship.
Photo: Antonio Guillem

The latest episode, however, is about John's crossdreaming and what that has done to both of them.

They cover some of the same ground as I did in my July blog post on Telling Your Girlfriend about Being a Crossdresser or a Crossdreamer.

If you look at this comment to that post,  you will see that Nikki is not the only one who have felt betrayed and hurt, not so much by the crossdreaming itself, as the fact that their partner has kept this part  from them. My wife expressed the same disappointment and hurt when she found out about my transgender side.

I guess the main message from my blogpost and the courageous discussion of John and Nikki, is that openness about this is the only meaningful option in the long run. The female partner should not be left in the dark about this, and -- I speak from my own experience -- the secrecy is also destructive for the crossdreamer.

That being said, it shouldn't be hard to understand why male to female crossdreamers stay in the closet, even vis-a-vis their partners. They are violating one of the strictest taboos in our misogynistic societies: A man that dreams about being a woman is at best weak and pathetic, at worst a sexual pervert. The fear of losing the respect of the loved one is strong. It is, unfortunately, quite realistic as well.

We are facing one of the many negative feedback loops that makes human existence so hard: Stiff necked prejudices stops people from living out their own dreams and potential, and the need to belong to your local community turns us all into cops policing the trespassers. Transgender people are often themselves the best cops, hence the secrecy.

I wish they would stop using the terms "autogynephilia" and "AGP. This is an N word in the transgender community and for very good reasons.

Nikki and John are not transphobic, but the man that coined the term is, and the term itself refers to crossdreaming as a sexual perversion.  The theory itself is extremely bad science. It been thoroughly debunked by people who actually know something about this and who have joined not only the 20th century, but the 21st as well. More about that here.

If embedded player does not work, download the episode here.


  1. Wow, Jack, their podcast brought up so much for me. My experience with my wife parallels their's in many ways and I must give them kudos for communicating as much as they have. John said it best, I think, near the end when he said that "it's on a half-solved problem" for them. I agree. Calling his needs as a kink, AGP, or addiction is kind of less risky, isn't it? After all, Nikki stated clearly that if John feels he is trans and a woman inside that although she would be 100% supportive she would also need to bow out of their relationship. That's very much where I was, with both my first and second wives.

    They are both young and a bit analytical about their feelings, trying various hypothesis on for size and, I think, hoping that the addiction one (which John claims he's beat) fits. That said when they talk about having an open relationship where John can have "AGP sex" with other partners doesn't make sense to me. With addictions you either have abstinence or not.

    I also don't agree with AGP proponents. I am transitioning (surprise!) and sure, I felt erotic thrills since puberty with fantasies, clothes, and all the rest. My transition is certainly not about some sort of eroticism. It's about an overall great feeling to just be and present as my authentic self.

    Thanks, Jack, for publishing this piece.

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    2. I will agree that crossdreamer feelings probably aren't 100% sexual. They may seem that way early on in life (perhaps when we're hornier), but there is likely with every crossdreamer at least some sense of wanting to dress up that doesn't involve a kink. I think the confusion comes along because those of us that use this fantasy often find that these thoughts heavily fade away after ejaculation, so we associate the two. I know there are times when I dress up, and although I know I'm turned on, sometimes it just feels good to wrap myself in femininity.

      With that said, not every crossdreamer (or crossdresser) is going to have a desire to transition. I know for me I have very little desire to because there are so many reasons inside my head why I wouldn't. Transitioning seems to make the most sense to most people because they can't separate sex from gender and think they are one in the same.

  2. Thank you, Emma!

    One intellectual problem we Westerners are facing is this idea that if something is expressed through sexuality or sexual fantasies, it is nothing but sex.

    To me sexuality is an integrated part of so many sides of life: friendship, comfort, identity, affirmation. Nothing is ever only sex.

  3. @Jessica

    Isn't interesting to see how our culture somehow manages to define sexual expressions of gender identity as "less real" when it comes to transgender persons? If a cis woman get aroused by a fantasy -- romantic or sexual -- it is seen as proof of her womanhood.

    Maybe it is the erection that makes people confused. The penis is the symbol of malehood, and women do not have erections -- or so people think.

    The fact is, however, that they do. The penis is the equivalent of the female clitoris, and the clitoris gets engorged with blood when a woman is aroused.

    In a trans woman the same basic mechanisms will have to cause an erection (unless she has had surgery or have used hormones for a long time.)

    The whole idea that trans women should not get aroused by sexual fantasies that allow them to have sex as a woman is based on a very old fashioned view of female sexuality -- as in women being asexual, pure an chaste.

  4. Some weeks ago I mentioned to my therapist that I feel a “twinge” down there of arousal at times, when dressing, when I am recognized as a woman, when I feel a happiness in my own skin. I asked her if this might negate some of my trans feelings, as if that’s not something I should feel. Quite the opposite, she said. Why not look at it as a barometer of what is going right for me at that moment. It was like receiving a permission to be okay with my body, and since then, although I don’t try to be aroused I appreciate it when I start to feel that way.


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