September 24, 2010

Childhood experiences and gender identity development

This is a blog about identity and understanding. Men and women who get turned on by the idea of being the other sex, often struggle with what it all means and how they can cope with it.

Do not hesitate to publish your story in a comment or you can send it to me (
jack.molay@gmail.com) and I will put it up in a separate post. Maybe others will recognize their own lives in what you write, and maybe you will get some useful comments.

Here is one such story, from "ilas".


Two accidents and a crossdreamer

"I have come to realize that certain childhood experiences of mine may have influenced my sexual development and therefore my gender identity (I am theorizing under the assumption that it is not inherent to my biology to begin with).

I never really knew what to make of all these feelings until I found out about the AGP theory. It seemed to fit so nicely…but after a lot more study into the subject I am starting to wonder if it really is. Fortunately the AGP [autogynephilia, another term for crossdreaming, or -- in the case for biological men: having feminization fantasies] “umbrella” is pretty big and it keeps growing. This gives me plenty of hope of someday “fitting in somewhere”. This apparently is important to me.

So I would like to pose some questions to you all.

Please keep in mind that everything I have written here are just random thoughts and realizations that I just put down. I am not really good at writing and I don’t really know how to make a coherent story of it.…so bear with me please!

Also, I sometimes may get a bit graphic, it is not my intention to offend anyone, but it is necessary for me to tell the whole story. Ok…here goes…

You see, there are two instances in my childhood where something happened to my genitalia. The first was when I was about 4 (?) or so and I saw my brother (who is 5 years older than me) pull back the foreskin of his penis in the bathroom. Of course, as a little brother I wanted to do everything my big brother did, so pulled back my foreskin as well. Mine however wouldn’t go back again. I had to go to the hospital and doctors fiddled around with it.

As the doctors could not fix it easily, they wanted to put me under a general anaesthesia the next day to fix the problem. So I had to stay the night in the hospital. My underpants were chafing my acorn so they cut a hole in my underpants to let my penis hang out. Leaving me exposed all night. The next day I was put under a general anaesthesia and the Doctors fixed it.

The second instant was when I was around 7 or 8 (?). I was climbing a big metal slide in the playground and I was standing on a horizontal metal pipe in the middle of the construction which was about 3 meters above the ground. When the school bell rang all the other children jumped of the slide which made the whole thing vibrate. I slipped and each of my feet went down a different side of the metal pipe. You get the picture…suffice to say it hurt…badly. I passed out and woke up in the class room.

First my scrotum was black then blue and after that yellow. This lasted for several weeks. I can’t really remember any pain though (suppression?). My brother called me “blue-balls” for several weeks too (ouch).

Not liking ones genitalia

All in all both instances were pretty traumatizing (I guess?). I never really thought of it before, but I am wondering if these two instances may have been the catalyst for me not really liking my genitalia, because of the pain and humiliation they caused me, and therefore not liking my gender? Setting me on a path that made me put a lot of focus on my genitals and on girls (who seemed to have it better). Making me actively and consciously play with my genitals at a very young age (8 or 9)?

Erotica

Then there is also the fact that I started reading books with erotic stories in them when I was 10 or so feeding my (sexual) fantasies immensely and again putting me on a path of sexual knowledge and interest which was way ahead of my age.

Also, when I was reading those stories I (somehow) related and identified more with the women in the stories then with the men, making me explore my own body very differently then most other boys do (?). Because of this I found out that I really enjoyed anal stimulation (which probably made me feel more feminine because of the penetration).

By the way…the first anal stimulation I had was putting a tampon (go figure) in my rectum. God knows why…but I did. The stimulation started to evolve from there. Combine that with the fact that I have let my hair grow long ever since I was 12 (don’t know why) and I try to let my body stay as thin (not anorexic) and feminine looking as I can by working out and shaving my stomach and genitals, and you obviously have someone who wants and needs to be a girl…

Or is that not true? Who knows...I certainly don't.

Also…could the first accident (being so exposed and having my genitalia touched by several strangers) be the cause of me being sexually submissive?
I guess am just very curious about what anyone else would make of this. Your responses are very much appreciated.
In addition, below you can see the comment I made on another blog about AGP (http://crossdreamjourn.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-in-cards.html?zx=aa9eed7c454a557)


Gynephilic

I am not attracted to men, either as a man or a woman. I do want to have sex with them though. In fact I have. As a man I have had sex with another man, but not because I was attracted to him, but because I "needed" to have sex with a man (probably to make me feel like a woman).

Now I suppose I am not gay (because I am not attracted to men) and I am not Bi-Sexual either (again...because I am not attracted to men), but I can physically have sex with a man whilst fantasizing about being a woman.

Oh man...how confusing this all is :-)

I don't cross dress either. I have tried it once but it’s just not for me. I do however like talking/being with girls better than with guys. In fact I am better at it and I feel more comfortable around them too.

I can also relate to girls better than to boys (I just don't have that much to say to men).I don't think this is because of gender insecurity though, because I don't feel less (or better) or subordinate or whatever to men in general. I just like being around girls better.

On the other hand...I also like it when gay men look at me with an interest. In fact I do my best to look good whenever I see one. It makes me feel pretty and wanted. I am still not attracted to them though. Having said that...if I didn't have a girlfriend already and the guy looks good I would probably dive in the sack with him though.
Who I am

Oh...I don't know any more...I cannot seem to make sense of it all.I think the best way to describe me is:

1. A sexually submissive heterosexual man with such a large feminine side that it confuses him, and a very well developed imagination which tries to make sense of it all.

2. A man that is apparently bi-sexual in his fantasy life which "makes" him tend to do bi-sexual things in his real life (which complicates the hell out of it).

3. A man who would have rather been a girl because they just seem to have all the fun (in his opinion), i.e. nicer clothes, nicer bodies, more sexual power, make up, nicer shoes, nicer hair, and better yet the female genitalia (which just seem to be so much more fun to play with), but doesn’t feel like there is a girl trapped a man's body (kind of).

Yeah...that about sums it up. Pfff...I guess the quest for self identification continues!

Again, your responses are very much appreciated.
With kind regards, ilas.
(Click on "comments" below to make a comment!)

44 comments:

Jack Molay said...

I also had experiences similar to yours. A seriously bad infection caused by a tight foreskin at the age of 11 or 12 comes to mind. That was very painful, indeed, and it could have influenced my attitude towards my "maleness", I guess.

But I am pretty certain that you will find a lot of men with similar afflictions who have no feminization fantasies, and M2F crossdreamers who have not had our kind of experiences.

This leads me to believe that our experiences may have been factors reinforcing our crossdreaming rather than causing it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Jack, and I do agree with you of course. I never said the experiences were the cause, I said they may have influenced my (sexual) development.

I wrote about this because somehow the memory of the accidents surfaced and I thought I saw a possible connection to my current feelings.

Thinking about this caused a whole avalanche of resurfacing memories and spurred new theories in my mind.

I was (and still are) very excited about finally (seemingly) putting together some pieces of the puzzle.

Perhaps I wrote about it to see if other people could trace back their experiences to things that happened in their childhood.

I dunno...I'm just happy with any comments/suggestions made to my little story :-)

Thanks again.
ilas

Jack Molay said...

If thinking of this was part of your own healing process these instances are very important. That means that in your subcoscious they are associated with the whole feminization wish.

Hm, I wonder. In the traditional Freudian universe I guess a focus on damage to the penis would be considered pointing to a castration complex.

Still, I think we should leave Oedipus out of it. Freud believed all male kids had a castration complex. They do not all become crossdreamers.

But what if we turn this on its head. Let's say that we are from nature more feminine than most men.

In a perfect society where men and women are considered equal, being more like a woman would be unproblematic. However, in our society being more like a woman is likened to being castrated, which is considered a bad thing. Male is strong and therefore good. Female is weak and therefore bad.

For us, of course, being female is basically a good thing. Therefore you have two opposing forces: castration as humiliation and castration as becoming your true self.

The conflict itself is horribly painful, and maybe the association with these accidents refer to this psychological pain?

Stevie Stevens said...

I just discovered this blog and it has some great comments on it! I actually had never heard of the term Autogynephilia, but it fits me.

In my case, I have a very small penis -- and I really mean small -- and I have always felt less a male. Add to that the fact that I grew up with great female influence and that made me want to be like them.

ilas said...

Hi Jack, good points...I must think about that.

In the mean time I have decided to start a Blog of my own too.

I have re-posted my writings on there too.

I hope you don't mind, but I have used the word "Crossdreamer" in my Blogs name. It is such a wonderfull word and such an apt description of AGP, I could not think of anything else to use.

My Blog is called: crossdreaming ilas and can be found here: http://crossdreaming-ilas.blogspot.com/

Rebecca Cordova said...

Sometimes I do wonder if our history can really be interpreted towards our condition. Does everyone who has a 'castration complex' end up having issues related to being AGP, CD, TG, etc?. I understand the reason to ask why we got here, but often times it feels like we're left with no easy answer to where these interests and behaviours came from.
As an influence, I can see them as possibly being effectual, but it is hard to tell how alienation from your penis affected you in terms of sexuality.

Jack Molay said...

@Stevie

"In my case, I have a very small penis -- and I really mean small -- and I have always felt less a male."

This is another example of how the actual body or body experience may influence our psychological development.

In real life nature loves variety, which is why the size and shape of penises vary a lot. It is probably a lie that no women care about size, but when it comes to love making in a practical setting between two people who love each other, there are nearly always ways of making things work.

That does not matter much when it comes to the identity search of children, teenagers and young adults, though. The cultural surroundings (media/entertainment) as well as the culture of young men seem to reinforce the idea that strength equals power equals attractiveness equals penis size, and as long as that is the case, men with a size below average (or even above average) will worry themselves sick about not being man enough -- avoiding public showers and using stalls instead of urinals.

(The female parallell would be about having too big butts, flat chest etc. etc.)

Could such a feeling of shortcoming strengthen crossdreaming feelings? I mean: Could there be subconscious processes concluding that since there seems to be no hope of living up to the male stereotypes anyway, it would be better to hope for a future as a woman?

Hmmmm, I am really not sure. Again, most men with below average penises do not become crossdreamers - or at least, i haven't seen proof of this. But again, if the crossdreaming condition is already there, the physical attributes could be taken as proof of one being a woman.

It cannot be the main explanation, though. If you look at female to male crossdreamers, it is hard to find a parallell. Would a woman get turned on by the idea of becoming a man, just because she is flat chested? The stories I hear are rather about women who would like to camouflage the breasts they have in order to appear masculine.

Maybe there is a difference between M2F and F2M causality simply because our culture puts more value on the visible male symbol, the phallus, rather than the invisible female symbol, the vagina.

This is really complicated.

Kathryn Martin said...

Jack said

It cannot be the main explanation, though. If you look at female to male crossdreamers, it is hard to find a parallell. Would a woman get turned on by the idea of becoming a man, just because she is flat chested? The stories I hear are rather about women who would like to camouflage the breasts they have in order to appear masculine.

I have difficulty accepting that there is necessarily any causality here. Biologically the reduced size of a penis may very well be simply a lack of Anti Muellerian Hormone (AMH)in the 7-12 week of gestation. Some males are born with uterus tissue because of the same lack. We know that the size of a penis from a physiological function perspective is not an issue, except if it is so small that mechanically it cannot penetrate at all. Intersexed persons have a parallel development usually caused by the lack of or reduction of AMH.

The debate about causality is really entirely based on gender expectation alone. I fail to see however, how you can get from experiencing a failure to meet societal expectations to desiring to be the other gender.

It seems to me that there is a causality gap between one and the other. Both appear to be separate streams of development one nurture the other nature.

The nurture aspect though would work on both the through nature already pre-organized TG as well as those that are predisposed to one or the other poles of the gender continuum. It shapes the emotional and spiritual structures of the individual only and any penchant for crossdressing or TG activities is dragged along so to speak.

Kathryn

tg_captioner said...

I can sorta relate to this story:

1. I've ruptured my ball once (I was maybe 10-11). I slid down the Bannister on our stairs, and couldn't stop, and ended up hitting the wooden ball at the end. Didn't cause damage, but hurt for hours.

2. Around the same time (it's hard to pinpoint age), for about 2 weeks I had a ball infection. I wouldn't say it "hurt" if I was sitting, but walking felt really funny. Not like it was missing, but like a toddler was sitting on them all the time. I remember still having to go to school after about a week home sick, and having to explain to my schoolmates in a G-rated fashion what was wrong with me (which was a bit embarrasing).

3. Also during a doctor visit to diagnose this infection (and get medicine to cure it), the doctor did a thorough investigation. I remember him squeezing and twisting my balls to feel for (I assume cancer or something?). It was painful enough in what he was doing, and then add to it the pain I already had. I also remember the doctor having very very cold hands (he was in his 60's so he had bad circulation), which was shocking.

4. To add insult to injury, the doctor had also discovered (because parents don't check for that sorta thing) that I had one undescended ball. IE there is a ball inside me that isn't external, or possibly I never grew one. I never bothered getting checked because it's never really been an issue.

So combine all that, and you can imagine why I too don't have much love for my own genitals. Also, because of my childhood experiences, I HATE HATE HATE having my balls touched. My wife has gotten me to loosen up to a point (usually very light rubbing), but when I see pornos and girls literally sucking the ball into their mouths, it makes me cringe.

Li'l Sissy Stevie said...

When I was in grammar school, the teacher would sometimes give us a writing exercise that went something like this: “Johnny was going home from school one day and skinned his knee. Write a story about how this happened using a stick, a rabbit and a hairbrush in your story.” I hated that exercise. What I didn't know at the time was that she was preparing us for the soft sciences. All of anthropology, history, psychology, sociology and etc. is based on this exercise. You simply take an outcome and explain it by using the known facts to concoct a plausible story around it. Is it “Truth!” Probably not, because it's unlikely you have all the facts or even understand the true nature of the outcome you're trying to explain. In fact, no matter what the outcome was, the same set of facts could more or less be arranged to explain it. The more facts you can weave into the story, the more plausible it can be. Having your penis injured when you were young could explain your AGP or it could explain why another guy became a Special Ops soldier, or another guy became a serial rapist. When I look back over my life, I see many events ( I never injured my penis) that might explain the way I am today. But they could also explain many different potential outcomes. It's very difficult to know what is a cause and what is a catalyst, what accelerates a process and what retards it. In the end, all we have is a story. It's comforting, for some reason, to have a good, solid, plausible story. But I not so sure we can ever know the Truth.

ilas said...

Well said Li'l Sissy Stevie!

I am of course aware of that possibility.

However I am trying to figure out what I am, how I became what I am and why I became what I am. The only thing I can do is look back and take into account everything I can remember from my past.

At least this is the way it works for me.

I do find comfort in thinking up fitting theories and the way I live is: when it feels right, it probably is right (for me).

But in the end...you will never know for sure. It does make excellent conversation though :-)

Anonymous said...

I am more or less like you !

But you tell that you don't dress like a woman and like to attract men in the street. I like to wear stockings and sexy women clothes a look at women in the street. I don't care about men. I like to charm people but don't dress to attact men when I am a man.

That makes me feel that you might be gay and that you don't accept it.

Thinking that you are a woman allows you to have gay sex without the shame of feeling gay.

How were your parents about sex and gay people

ilas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ilas said...

No, I have thought about me being gay and have come to the conclusion that I am not.

This is not denial. I am just not attracted to men.

Would I have been a woman, then men would look at me with interest. As I am not a woman the only way for me to get noticed in this way is by gay men. Straight men wouldn't look at me like that and gay men do.

So it has nothing to do with the men per se, but more with the feeling I get when being looked at with interest. This is one way for me to feel like a woman.

This is the way it works for me. Or so I have myself believe at the moment. I may be wrong, but that is why I wrote this text and started my blog in the first place. To find out about myself.

Ivano said...

ilas,
"So it has nothing to do with the men per se, but more with the feeling I get when being looked at with interest."
If you are not attracted to men but still like to be sexual with them, there are 2 possibilities:

Is the feeling of pleasure you get in seeing how the man reacts or desires you (I mean, something connected to the man's erotic behavior or his gaze manner which is a fetish of some gay and bisexual guys), or is it more related to yourself and your womanhood which you feel validated during such an instance of being gazed at by a man? I mean, which is more prominent force here- the man or the woman inside you, which makes you horny at that time?

Ivano said...

I mean, which is more prominent force here- the gazing man outside or the woman inside you, which makes you horny at that time?

Anonymous said...

Why do you want to be looked by men and not by women ?

Cheryl Sussex said...

At 17 I suffered from a twisted testicle. It resulted in a lot of pain and a humiliating trip to the doctors with my mum. I was rushed into casualty and had them untwisted and stitched to the sides of my scrotum. I remember a very pretty nurse picking up my penis with her ball point pen to examine me. At the time I thought it was my body rejecting itself because the testicles should not have been there.

ilas said...

@Ivano

It is, as you said indeed more related to myself and my womanhood which I feel validated during such an instance of being gazed at by a man.

I never said it made me horny though. I said it made me feel wanted and pretty (which to me are more feminine feelings).

ilas said...

@ Anonymous,

I never said I didn't want to be looked at by girls. In fact I like being looked at by girls and I look at girls myself a lot.

That is my masculine side.

My feminine side likes to be looked at by men and girls. But when men look it feels more validating because I can imagine them looking at the woman inside me.

It's complicated.

Anonymous said...

Why just looking then ?

Why not have sex with men ?

You would feel female much more if you have sex with men while dressed on drag than if men llok at you when you are dressed in man.

You like when men look at you while you are a man, correct ?

Anonymous said...

. As I am not a woman the only way for me to get noticed in this way is by gay men. Straight men wouldn't look at me like that and gay men do

= You only talked about MEN and worse, GAY MEN.

While you could be dressed in drag and looked by none real gay men, by men who look at girls and not at men and so feel like a girl more than when gay men look at you in man.

Does it make sense ?

I think that you are like me = narcissist who likes to be the star

And has women are the star because most people look more at women and because YOU look at women and so you think that all people are like you ans look at girls, you think that beeing a woman is the best way to be the star and so you imagine that you are a girl.


You may also be bordeline and because of that have sexual troubles.


You didn't tell me about your parents. What do they think about gay men and sexu in general ?

Anonymous said...

When men look at you, thinking that they see you as woman is a non sense as you look like a man and as they are gay men.

The last thing they see in you is a woman !!!!!!

To be seen a a girl you need to be looked at by non gay men and so look like a girl and so dress like a sexy bitch.

Anonymous said...

But for a mysterious reason, you refuse to be a DRAG while you like to think that you area girl.

why don't you wear female sexy clothes ?

ilas said...

Dear Anonymous,

I thank you for your comments and interest, but I fear that no matter how I explain it you will just not understand.

I do think it would help if you would think a bit more out of your own box though :-)

Take care
ilas

Anonymous said...

You mean that I am stupid as I can not understand when you explain something ?

Why telling your life here if you can not argue more than 2 messages when people ask valid question and propose some theories ?

Read your messages, read mines and you will see that my questions are valid and logical.

For exemple, you refuse to reply to my question on your parents

You think that parents don't count and that a stupid accident on your balls count more ? What kid has never had a ball problem ?

You clearly tell that :

- you not only like but search for men's look when you are a man (sounds pretty gay at first sight all the more since you don't consider yourself as a woman like transexual people and don't look like a woman when these mens look at you, but still you hope that they see the woman in you)

- you NEVER dress in women's clothes (rather strange for someone who wants to be seen like a woman, as clothes covers 80% of the body, isn't it ?)

You tell me that you did think about beeing gay. May be you should do more than think and start an analysis. If you come to the conclusion that you were not, it necessary means that your conclusion is good ?!!

I have been an autogynephile for more than 15 years and I have thought much about myselves and gender and sexual issues so if you think that I can not help you to better understand what you are, who could ?

So my questions are :

1) How were your parents on sexual topics ? Gay and gender issue ?

2) Why do you never dress like a woman ? I know that some people can have fantacies about the body and not clothes but still they sometimes dress to have the illusion that they have the body of a female.

3) Have you seen a shrink ? Are you a narcissist or bordeline ? You can not not consider these 2 disorders when you like to be looked at, admired to the point to look for gay men's look while you are not gay.

Anonymous said...

Let's see if I uderstand and sum up what I see on your blog =

You tell that :

1) your main fantacy is to have a women's BODY and you don't seem to care about the other form of AG fantacies which are clothes (wearing sexy clothes mainly), social role and behaviour (for exemple sewing, cooking), biology (periods or having a baby)

2) you are 100% not gay (means not even bisexual as actually you like girls and only girls, not even 1% of gay feelings in you)

2) you like and search for the look of ALL people (men, women, gay, not gay) but the look of gay men is the most furfilling

3) when gay men look at you, you imagine that they see you as a female

4) you never wore women' clothes and never had sex with a man

Please tell me if is summed up corretly your situation because you expose it completely nowhere on your blog.

Anonymous said...

Indeed, I talk to ILAS and not to the creator or the blog who explains clearly in detail his fantacies.

ILAS doesn't explain his fantacies and tells that people can not understand...

Or course, if you don't explain, nobody can guess !

Anonymous said...

The topic about balls makes me think about some stuff about me :

1) the forskin of my penis was stuck, I had to see a doc when I was may be 10. I remember a women and a man pulling my skin to allow the penis to be free. It was hurting and I had a pain for several days. But the worst was that I didn't go to school that day and I was afraid to explain why I wasn't there if a teacher was asking me. I was ashamed to tell "I had a problem with my penis". But of course, nobody asked as I only missed 1 day.

2) 1 yeat later, a teacher humiliated me in front of the classeroom by asking me to come next to her and by asking me me "why do you tease this girl, do you really think that you are superior to her because of the few cm you have between the legs". I don't remember what I was doing but I remember that I had a feeling of injustice because to me I didn't do anything wrong.

3) The skin of my penis is very fragile and I never touch the top of my penis directly. I always touch it through the forskin. So I don't like so much blowjob because it is somewhat tiggling.

These are my experiences with my own penis.

ilas said...
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ilas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ilas said...

@ Anonymous,

It was not my intention to offend you in any way. If it seemed like that, then I apologise.
Anyway, seen that you are so adamant in having your questions answered...here goes:

Answers to your questions from October 1, 2010 5:49 PM:

- No, I didn't say (or mean) that you are stupid. Those are your words not mine. There is no need to be so defensive.

- I am "telling my life here" to get some stuff out of my head, to understand myself better and to get an intelligent discussion with other people about this. However, to me your line of questioning feels aggressive and assumptious and it feels like you are pushing your own ideas about this and think that I am the same way. This is not so.

- I do not refuse to reply to your question about my parents (another assumption), I just haven’t done so yet.

- I never said I though that my parents don’t count (another assumption), in fact I know that parents play a huge part in someone’s life. To answer your question about this: I have very loving parents that are very open about everything including sex and gender orientation. So there.

- You calling my traumatizing accident in my youth stupid is just plain aggressive hurtful and uncivilized.

- “What kid never had a ball problem?” Is just another assumption on your part.

ilas said...

@ Anonymous,

It was not my intention to offend you in any way. If it seemed like that, then I apologise.
Anyway, seen that you are so adamant in having your questions answered...here goes:

Answers to your questions from October 1, 2010 5:49 PM:

- No, I didn't say (or mean) that you are stupid. Those are your words not mine. There is no need to be so defensive.

- I am "telling my life here" to get some stuff out of my head, to understand myself better and to get an intelligent discussion with other people about this. However, to me your line of questioning feels aggressive and assumptious and it feels like you are pushing your own ideas about this and think that I am the same way. This is not so.

- I do not refuse to reply to your question about my parents (another assumption), I just haven’t done so yet.

- I never said I though that my parents don’t count (another assumption), in fact I know that parents play a huge part in someone’s life. To answer your question about this: I have very loving parents that are very open about everything including sex and gender orientation. So there.

- You calling my traumatizing accident in my youth stupid is just plain aggressive hurtful and uncivilized.

- “What kid never had a ball problem?” Is just another assumption on your part.

ilas said...

- I never said I “searched for men’s look”, I said I like it when a man looks at me with a sexual interest. And as a straight man would never do this I settle for the gay man doing this.
I see how this could confuse you, as it did to me once too.

- You say I don’t consider myself a woman like transsexual people do. This is again another assumption, two in fact. One you assume that I am not like that, and two you pretend to know how all other trans people feel.

- It is not about them seeing a woman in me. It is about me being able to fantasise being looked at by men as a woman. The men are just faceless props that help me feel like a woman.

- I indeed do not dress in women’s clothes because I think I look silly in them. This is because I look like a man dressed in women’s clothes (I have tried this once or twice) and to me that is just not satisfying. I can perfectly fantasise about being a woman without having to look at myself in their clothes.

- I never said I want to be seen as a woman either. I merely said I like to feel like a woman.
Sure I want to BE one too, but that is just not going to happen now is it. So I have to make due with what I got and can.

- You assume (again) that my conclusion about not being gay is invalid. Believe me I am not gay. I am not attracted to men in the slightest. I just use them to make me feel like a woman (on the inside).

- I have also not said (or thought) that you cannot help me. I learn from a lot of people. I just don’t think your points and line of thinking for that matter are in line with my own and how I feel.

- No I have not seen a shrink, nor do I believe I need one.

- No. I am not a narcissist, nor am I borderline. These “disorders” do not necessarily have to be connected to being AGP, gay or whatever. More assumptions.

ilas said...

Answers to your questions from October 1, 2010 6:13 PM:

1 – Correct. But again you want to put every AGP person in the same “box” and are assuming things again.

2 – Correct. The only gay feelings I have inside are directed to girls when I think of myself as a girl.

3 – Correct, but I do not search for it.

4 – No, I do not imagine they see me as a woman (that would be silly). I tend to feel more as a woman because a man is looking at me with a sexual interest.

5 – I never said I never wore women’s clothes. In fact I did as I have written in my article. And I have also never said that I have not had sex with men. In fact I have had sex with two men and I have also mentioned this in the article. And no, this does not necessarily make me gay because I was not attracted to them but only used them as “faceless dildo’s” to benefit my own fantasies.


I hope this clears things up for you Anonymous.

Again I do not intend to offend you, but I do feel that when you had paid more attention when you read my article, a lot of your answers would have already been answered. I also feel that you should assume a lot less and think outside your own box a bit more.

Not everyone is the same and not everyone is like you. The AGP “umbrella” is pretty big (and growing) and there is a place for all of us beneath it.

Have a nice day!

Jack Molay said...

There is one topic that pops up over and over again, and that is the idea about being gay. A common understanding is that if you have any fantasies about being taken by a man, you have to be gay.

That is understandable, as we cannot expect most people to have a deep understanding of the crossdreamer psyche. Heck, we are struggling hard to understand this ourselves.

Still, it helps to keep the following two aspects of sexuality apart:

1. Gender identification (who you want to be in your fantasy, including a man or a woman)

2. Sexual orientation (who you are attracted to, i.e. the kind of body type and psyche you are attracted to, including male or female)

Most crossdreamers are attracted to women. I.e. they are attracted to the female body, and fall in love with women. However, since they dream of being women, they also often fantasize about being the receiving part in intercourse, and in that context they may dream about being taken by a man. This does not mean that they are attracted to men in general or that they are gay.

Secondly, we must also be open to the possibility that many crossdreamers are bisexual, even if they primarily fall in love with women. Being bisexual is not the same as being gay.

xxNPxx said...

Interesting thread. Interesting discussion.

Well I just wanted to throw my bit in as well.

First of all I've never had any serious pain with my penis or testicles (thankfully). I have no reason, need, or want to simply lop it off. And I'm not sure I really would want to if I had an opportunity to trade it in for a vagina.

I've considered myself, not really male for quite some time. I figured I had a feminine side because I had some traits that were more feminine then anything else. Basically my mind feels as if it's both sexes, trapped in side of a body, regardless of gender.

I do remember in the first grade, being called on for a an assignment were we talk about what we liked. The boys talked about one thing, and the girls talked about another. I told my teacher, I would like to do this, and that, but if I was a girl I would like to do something else instead. No real humiliation from it but still, it's interesting.

I did have an interesting orgasm experience though. Instead of learning to masturbate by grabbing my penis I had an prostate orgasm first. While doing home work I moved my chair with wheels forward while still sitting. It felt funny and slightly good. I never noticed it before and did the same motion again. It felt good. I kept doing it until I realized I could grind my ass into the chair and get a bit of pleasure. Eventually I would do it faster and then I would orgasm, having my first orgasm ever. I tried it again the next day, grabbing the chair and pulling it towards my ass even more. I thought it was erotic to watch my bare ass orgasm while I was humping the chair.

Eventually I did some anal play, and found a pair of panties my mom had. Fast forward nearly 5 years and after discovering porn, I realized that porn femdom porn was the biggest turn on ever. Then I found feminization which was an even bigger turn on.

A lot of what has lead me to where I am has been internal and uncontrollable. Nurture has only shown me how far I can take it, and how I can enjoy myself in new ways. I don't think I would have changed all that much if I was in a different environment.

Anonymous said...

I didn'nt see any article from Ilas. First I thought that Ilas was the owner of the blog but afterwards catch that he was not.

I know the difference between sexual orientation and sexual identity. But as you stressed it somewhere in your blog, there is a link as a DRAG who was not gay when he was a man will tend to become "gay" and have sex with men once in DRAG withoyt feeling gay and knowing that he is a man and not a woman.

I understand it even better that I live it !!!!

In fact, Drag tend to conform to gender role untill having a female orientation once in DRAG.

But you know that many people can be gay and ine the same time refuse to face this reality. That one can have no feelings for men and be gay. He just is not capable to support the idea of beeing gay.

Telling "I am not gay at ALL" sounds like someone gay who tried hard to convince himself that he os not gay as all people are more or less gay.

Anonymous said...

About first orgasm on purpose (I may have had some when sleeping) =

I tried to play the role of the man who is on the girl and moved my body on the floor.

I end up ejacuating. I probably like it as a short time later I found out that it was easier to touch the penis with the hand and move the hand than moving the whole body !!

Conclusion = I wasn't touching my penis so much otherwise I would have masturbated directly with the hand.

I also remind having found porno magazine in which some pics of a dick covered with sperm next to a pussy was displayed.

Probably that I also saw a pic of penetration as I remember well my feeling = I felt DISGUSTED by the white sperm and thought that the inside of the pussy pit the sperm on the dick, that somewhat the girl was full of white liquid inside her body and that a man who puts his dick a in woman end up with a dirty dick.

May be it explain why I don't like so much to penetrate.

I may have seen this before my first ejaculation as I was surprised by the white liquid.

ilas said...

@ xxNPxx,

thank you for telling us about your experiences xxNPxx. Talking about it can really help. It did for me anyway.

By the way...talking about porn...I have recently written an article about that on my own blog (crossdreaming-ilas.blogspot.com). I am not saying that it applies directly to you of course, but you may find it interesting (?).

ilas

ilas said...

@ Anonymous (October 3, 2010 11:50 PM).

As you know by now, this is not my blog. I do however have my own blog and it can be found here:

crossdreaming-ilas.blogspot.com

xxNPxx said...

@ilas

I'll check your site out. Seems interesting.

Sam Z said...

I might have told this a lot of times, but my "crossdreaming" began the next day i had an erection issue and homosexual OCD, during which time i tried to think gross thoughts about other men and being a male to reduce unwanted sexual thoughts. But it lead to AGP and overglorifying feminity or females. I had no issues during my childhood and i think i was just an ordinary, yet sensitive boy. I got picked a lot and i always found other men scary for being stronger than me. But i never had any cross-gender fantasies during my childhood or teens. But i had some submissive and homosexual fantasies as a male, yet those males were usually faceless. My sexual fantasies were almost all the time straight.

So yes, i strongly believe nurture and development affects us very much! At least how we view ourselves.

Jessie said...

I have to chime in on the small penis comments, as I have both a rather small penis and a rather breastly looking chest for a "male". As a crossdreamer I actually really like both qualities, but it took quite a while for me to discover myself as a crossdreamer (transvestite fetish according to my old therapist), and wasn't okay or comfortable with either until then. In settings where I had to shower with men (e.g. a gym) I got comments rarely, but when I did get them it was very disturbing to me; in fact I reacted by laughing with them at me and just tried to ignore it and limit my exposure to other males. I still don't having to be subjected to males that may or may not have something to say about my rather unusual appearance if looking at what you think is a 100% male in the shower room, and do avoid it if I can. I can take the remarks, but don't like wondering when or if someone may say something.

Oddly, to me at least, I do like receiving feed back from women who acknowledge my appearance, but most go in the other direction and try to comfort me by telling me my penis isn't too small. The male breasts only come up when I bring it up with my wife, but she knows that I would actually like them to be a little bigger and am perfectly fine with how I look as is she. That kind of goes for my penis size as I actually would prefer if it were a little smaller as it lends to a more androgynous appearance than I have now; but would like to match how I feel about myself. I don't push either issue with talk of cosmetic surgery or anything of that nature, as if my breasts got any bigger I would go from question mark (formerly fat is what most think) to 'those are breasts, not pects. With the penis size I'm fortunate it isn't any smaller than it is, and despite the look that I would love, it would be too small to satisfy my wife as it already pops out enough to be distracting at times. Honestly, she says it isn't too small, but I know it is and that if it were a little bigger that intimacy would be more satisfying for her. We have ways of more than making up for it, but I'm just sharing from A to Z for the benefit of readers who have similar questions.

Thanks for the opportunity to bare my chest, pardon the pun, and thanks for all you do!

Jessie

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