October 7, 2010

The October Fantasia Fair, Massachussetts

Miqqi Alicia Gilbert, the professor behind the study of crossdressers and transgender people I mentioned in a previous post, has sent me an invitation for those of you who should happen to be in the neighborhood of Provincetown, Massachussetts, the US of A, on October 16 to 23.

Gilbert tells me that the Fantasy Fairs is part conference, part social gathering: a "full immersion experience":

"There are workshops in the morning and afternoon, a Keynote speaker following lunch, and special events each evening. You'll learn from community leaders, helping professionals, and your peers in formal and informal situations. You will be fascinated by the topics, which range from gender theory to hair removal to wig care to speaking in a feminine voice...

"Couples find support, friendship and caring, and enjoy the opportunity to participate in workshops that explore and recognize the ups and downs of a relationship with a transgender partner.

"In addition to lunches that are provided each day in some of Cape Cod's best restaurants, there are two formal banquets, a
fashion show, a cabaret/talent show, receptions and special events — all to entertain you while helping to develop the whole individual."

Click here for the latest Fantasia Fair newsletter, which has info on the event.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jack Molay said...

To anonymous,

I have removed your comment. Please contact me at jack.molay@gmail.com for an explanation for why I have done so and a discussion on how we can go on from here.

Jack

Anonymous said...

Do you have suicidal thoughts ?

I have some because of my situation.

Jack Molay said...

I have had thoughts like that - many times. However, I am in the fortunate situation that I have a family and a professional network that keep me engaged and on track.

Writing this blog has helped me a lot, as well. It may not look like a diary, but it has some of the same effects for me.

Even if I have really dark days, even now, there is too much love and excitement around for me to quit.

That is not the case for all crossdreamers, I see that. The pain and suffering caused by being unable to become what you are supposed to be may be can be intense and hard to carry on your own.

The good thing about the Internet is that it is possible to find friends and people to discuss this with, so I am glad that you present your ideas and thoughts here. You are brave forwarding politically incorrectly ideas in the way you do. I know that that requires a lot of courage, even if you are covered by anonymity.

But if you are struggling hard with suicidal thoughts, please contact some kind of professional doctor, therapist or spiritual adviser!

You need someone to talk to in person; someone who can listen without being judgmental. You need a place where you can vent your longings, your sorrow and your anger so that you can get a new perspective on things.

Even if it may not look that way now, it is also possible to find love as a crossdreamer. It is definitely possible to integrate crossdreaming into a life worth living.

Open minded therapists do exist. Look for a sexologist or a psychologist or psychiatrist covering transgender issues.

I can be a friend, but I am not a therapist, and I am not certified to give medical advice.

I do encourage you to contact me at my email address though: jack.molay@gmail.com . Make a new "fake" anonymous email account if needed. There are things that can be said in an email that does not fit well within the framework of a public forum.

You can also discuss your problems over at Laura's Playground : http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?

Jack Molay said...

Some suicide hot lines:

http://suicide.org/
http://www.hopeline.com/

The US GLBT community has hotlines for transgendered people in need of help:

http://www.glnh.org/index2.html

If you live outside the US, search the net for similar sites.

Everyone can use Laura's chat room:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your good advices.

I saw a psychologist for about 1 year and have been seeing a shrink who is also psychanalyst and sexologue for 2 years.

I have no job for x years, no more girlfriend for about 1 year (the last one was saying that I was gay and didn't try to understand me, the previous one understood me but vanished from my life).

I also live with my parents, my mother knows that I like to dress, she doesn't want me to do this, she regulary makes some nasty comments about this, tells that I am a pervert, that I must stop...she hide the key of my room so I can not even dress in my room without the fear of beeing catched in underwear with a dildo. I don't meeti men in hotels for sex anymore because when I go out with a bag, she asks what I am carrying, where I am going and she tells that I went into my "fag club", and so one... When I met 2 girls this years, slept at her house and when I came back home, my mother told me that I shouldn't sleep outside, that I would bring her AIDS...

So I am somewhat trapped in my fantasies, in my life, in my room.

Life has no sense. I am in the same situation as an hetersexual man who would be banned from meeting women !

I can not get of my libido, neither on me in DRAG, nor on girls.

No many girls want to date a guy who doesn't work and live with his parents. If I ad that I like to dress and meet men, that I might be borderline...you understand that I have no hope to meet a girl I like.

So no love, no sex, no job, no flat, no friends.

How not to think about suicide (once in a while) in my situation ?

Anonymous said...

I went on your support website !

And have been BANNED !

Wanna know what happened ?

They were telling me = "you can change your life, the fact, the fact that you are not happy doesn't mean that you will never be, don't let other decide for you...".

So something very general that is not helpful.

Then I started to explain my case to make the understand WHY I am not happy = I loves girls but needed to dressed and have sex with men or at least like a girl and so on...

I asked th person who I was talking to : "do you know a girl that could accept a man like me " ?

The person replied : "I don't put my nose in other's people sex life".

I first thought that she didn't want to hear about my sexual stuff.

On second thoughts I understood that she didn't know what girls liked and so couldn't tell me uf a girl could accept it.

But she end up telling me : "I don't want to hear about YOU sex life".

Someone supposed to help on a TRANSGENDER chat doesnt want to hear about sexual fantasies !!!!!!

That's the most stupid thing I have EVER heard. Don't you agree?

Not even taking in account that I told her that I was in France and that she gave me a list of therapists specialized in gender issus who are in US, UK, Germany and Austalia...very helpful list !


What is you opinion Jack ?

Jack Molay said...

Suicide is never a good option, for two very good reasons:

You lose any chance of getting it right. Very often a chance meeting with one person alone can change your life to the better. If you are dead you will never meet that person.

Through personal change you may also change your view of your life situation and gain the strength needed to change what can be changed and live with what cannot.

I have had friends who have contemplated suicide and who years later have lived fulfilling lives, never thinking about suicide again.

I am sorry about your reception at the help line. There are unfortunately too many people who think you can keep sexuality apart from rest of our lives, also in transgender circles. Could you tell me which one it was?

Anyone who knows of a good therapist in France?

Anonymous said...

I spoke first to Mischa, she asked me why I was coming, I went into another room, she followed me and insisted to know why I was there.

I felt somewhat harassed and I reply that I was not good...

She gave me some very stereotypical replies = you can be happy one day, you will fin who you are...and so on. Reply that she could gave to anyone who doesn't feel good, without even asking why he was not good.

I asked if she was a girl, she reply YES while she was a transexual.

And I didn't want to talk to a transexual because I know that most of time they tend to encourage people to be transexual by telling how good it is. I don't need someone who is deeper than me in fantasies but rather someone who is in reality and who will tell me "you are a man, dressing is just a fantacy, don't go further or you will lose yourself and damage your body"

But I went on talking to her, then she vanished suddently. Another person then entered in the chat without telling who he was, I don't remember the name. It was a girl's name. Annabel may be. Or Anna something. She kicked me out because I told that if she didn't want to hear about sex, she shouldn't be on a transgender chat as transgenderism is linked to sex and fantacies. You can not deal it as if it was none sexual.

I came back, told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore and that she should forget me. Then i was banned. Strange suppport to someone who tells that he want to die and that he may be bordeline.

I am surprised to see that MANY people involved in dressing do as if it was NOT sexual AT ALL.

Worse, they don't support to associate it to sex. As if they were more uptight than normal straight people who don't dress.

That's very strange. Isn't it ?

I fit nowhere. Not even with people who are transexuals because they are too much in their fantasy of beeing a girl and it gets on my nerve and can not hemp from telling them that they are not girl but transexuals. They could not be girls. But they don't have to be girls. They can be transexual, nothing wrong into it.

I don't plane to kill myself in the next weeks. It s rather a long term plane. If things don't go better within a few years.

But even if I meet someone (which is quite possible as I am attractive and smart), the relationship will be problematic because of my dream to be a girl in bed. I can have sex and have pleasure with a girl at the begining. I even stop dressing. But after a few months, I come back to my fantasy.

I read online that libido was on ouselves and on others. That both exist in the same time and that when you have more libido in at one side, you have less on the other side. And this is exactly what I live =

No relationship with a girl => 95% of my libido is on me in girl, 5% is on girls I hope to charm online.

Relationship with a girl => my libido can be at 80% on the girl for a while and then goes back on me and a part stays on the girl but I need to dress to be able to keep my libido on her.


Some days, I tell that my situation is a burden. That life is impossible.

Some days, I tell that it may be a chance because I can live 2 lives, man and woman and so meet the ANIMA of Jung and be a whole person
and not a 1/2 person like people who play male or female role only.

I think that the place should be to find a job, move out from my parents and become more adult. Then try to figure out how want to live, more in male or female role.

Actually, I am afraid of what I will become if I am free. eeing with my parents if a protection against my sexual drive.

Alone, I might end up a prostitute or a total sex addict who will organised his life around sex.

I don't want to be a sex crazed poddle who takes stupid risks for sex.

Does it make sense ?

Jack Molay said...

"I think that the place should be to find a job, move out from my parents and become more adult. Then try to figure out how want to live, more in male or female role."

I don't know how old you are, but if you are over 18 years old that is probably a good idea, especially because your mother does not seem to understand what you are going through.

I would not be too harsh on her regarding her lack of understanding, though. I mean, very few people know about crossdreaming or even crossdressing, so it is probably naive to expect them to embrace this in one stride. Hopefully there will be a day when that becomes easier.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because no one seemed to be willing to talk about crossdreaming, crossdressing and sexual fantasies.

This also applies to transgender people and many of their defenders in the medical field. They have made this myth of the perfect transsexual: a male bodied person who wants to become a woman without any type of sexual desire at all.

I believe this ideal was made in the 1960's when many inside the medical establishment still believed that proper women had a much lower libido than men. This was based on the idea that "the weaker sex" was weaker in all respects, also as regards sexual desire.

A real woman would not have strong desires like the ones you are reporting. M2F crossdreamers who wanted to transition therefore learned to hide their feelings and play the role of asexual housewives.

This is all crap. I don't believe for a minute that women are less libidinous than men, and as you can see from my recent post on F2M crossdreamers there are a lot of women who have fantasies like you have, although in the opposite direction. They want to have sex as men. This would not be possible if women had a lower libido.

We need to talk about this, even if it embarrasses many, including crossdreamers and crossdressers. You are definitely not alone.

You say: "And I didn't want to talk to a transexual because I know that most of time they tend to encourage people to be transexual by telling how good it is. I don't need someone who is deeper than me in fantasies but rather someone who is in reality..."

That is far too harsh, and if you told her so, that may explain why you were thrown out. Telling a transwoman that she has transition because she is not in touch with reality is insulting.

There may be men who transition because of sexual desire alone, and that may be a bad idea. But I am convinced that most transsexuals do this out of a deep felt need to become what they truly are. That also applies to the ones who have been crossdreamers.

Your feminization fantasies could also be based in a strong female gender identity. Or maybe not. That is one of the many things you have to find out. And for that to happen, you have to stay alive. I am therefore very happy that you have decided to stay with us for the time being!

Join the Crossdream Life Forum!