October 10, 2010

Kaleasha's life story

I have another life story for you, this one from Kaleasha. When I asked her about her use of the word "homosexual", as opposed to for instance crossdreamer, she gave me the following reply:

"I use the word homosexual freely because at the time I first accepted my feelings that was the only way I could describe them to people. And even though people are not understanding of homosexuality, they understand it a lot more than autogynephilia or transsexuality."

Here is Kaleasha's story:

Hi I am now in my early thirties. I am masculine and have seriously dated two women in
my life.

But ever since the age of 13 I have been attracted to men. I would feel really guilty about this and I would not tell anyone. I was only attracted to older men so I never had the fear of being exposed, because I would not approach another male classmate.

One of the first men I experienced sexual desires for was this guy at a festival that had his shirt off. His chest and his muscles impressed me. Now, what makes my experience so unique is that I did not consider myself gay. Because I found women to be the most beautiful things on the planet. Sometimes I would see a pretty female and just stare at her beauty for hours. I could easily talk to my friends and peers about women and direct them to look at the cutie that was coming down the street.

While outside no one would ever see me look or smile at a guy. Only thing that I sometimes did if a guy sexually aroused me, I might start to walk a little funny but I would try my best to straighten up.

Now when I was home and got horny I would masturbate. But, unlike most guys I never just jerked off. In fact I still cannot masturbate with a hard penis. I would think of my self as a women and my penis as a vagina. And I’d fantasize about me being one whorish slut for some man. No matter how hard I tried to think of women sexually I never could.

In high school I would play sports and lift weights. By the time I graduated I was physically the strongest person at my school.

Through out my high school years I would classify myself as homophobic. When I was 19 I started to notice more gays, and transgender in the city. This gave me the idea that there was nothing wrong about being gay and perhaps I could let my real self come out one day. So, started to act a little girlish around my family and friends to see what their response was going to be.

Surprisingly, as long as I did not over do it or was playful, people still remained friendly. I discussed my feelings with a female classmate and she told me I was definitely gay. I was still in denial and I would try to give a bunch of reasons why I wasn’t. This friend was very important in my search for identity.

I decided then that I should eventually tell one of my best friends of 8 years that I was gay. I started by telling him that I wanted to dress a girl. He began to laugh. I said I knew this was going to happen. He stopped laughing and asked why? I then told him that Iiked men. He then stated that I he would still be my friend.

A month later I saw him and his girl going to the movies. I talked to them for a little bit and I asked him when was the next time he wanted to hang out. When I got home my brother told me that this friend just called.

When I called him back he began to holler at me asking me what was wrong with me. I said what are you talking about? He said all of this hanging out and that I was changing. I did not argue back because I did not know what it was all about. I just went to the bathroom and tried my best not to cry. I still tried to remain friends with him and I would periodically call him but things were never the same.

From that point on I was extremely careful on who I revealed my sexual orientation to. Never revealing it at work, or school, or to people that I knew were straight.

Two years later I decided or finally got the courage to come out to the gay community. I decided to go to a gay, bi, trans, or questioning support group. The first few weeks I just talked a little but eventually I opened up. Still I never felt comfortable enough to act like a girl or explicitly talk about sex there. However, I did connect with a few people and I could divulge my sexual desires.

I can remember one friend particularly. He was effeminate but he shared similar values as me. So we would hangout but rarely talk about sex. One day we finally got on the subject about when he found out that he was gay. He said he always knew. But he only fantasizes about heterosexual sex.

I asked him was he the girl in the fantasies. He affirmed this. He was embarrassed so I did not discuss it anymore, but I said yes finally someone who thinks like I do.

Because of time differences and work I stopped hanging out in the gayborhood. As the years went on I started to try to become straight. I dated women and could now even fantasize about having sex with them. But dating women is a lot harder than I imagined.

For one, I did not have anyone to teach me or show me how to make dating successful. I am very passive around women that I date. One woman told me that she was not going to date me anymore because she did not like that I would ask for her permission to touch or kiss her.

Eventually, I had sex with two women. My last partner was really good in bed. I would have stayed with her but she had her tubes tied and I want children.

I am still searching for a wife but all of a sudden these feelings of transgenderism and homosexuality are coming back big time. My homosexual desires are fantasies that I don’t have to act on because they consist of me being a woman (vagina and all).

I am too nervous and scared to dress up like a woman especially going outside like that. One fear is that I might get addicted to looking like a woman and never want to revert back to being a man.

There are tremendous advantages physically, economically, and psychologically in being a man. Therefore, I do not want to give that up. Yet and still I find my self-acting like a girl around the house and admiring transsexuals that have the courage to be girls.

Please feel free to post any comments or suggestions

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